Struggling FTM

[Fingerscrossedfor2021HK]

I am a FTM to a very much wanted little boy. He is 8 weeks old and I am really struggling.

We are exclusively pumping because he can’t latch (have spent thousands on lactation consultants, physio and osteo for him, have tried every syringe feeding, supplemental nursing systems, every nursing position, nipple shields etc etc and no joy). He is difficult to bottle feed (very very slow) and also when I feed him he tries to get my boob - I always offer but he never manages to latch and we both end up crying. I am trying to stop offering him the boob as I think this is just making things worse.

I think the feeding issues have really stripped away a lot of my joy - I spend all day alone with the baby, either pumping, bottle feeding him (can take 90 mins) or trying to get him to nap. I have no time to do anything else. I feel like a terrible mother and like I can’t do anything right. I have oversupply of milk and have already had mastitis once. I desperately want to stop the pumping once we get to 12 weeks but various doctors have made me feel guilty for this.

I am in a country with no support network (we just moved here) and feel so alone. The baby groups that I have been to are full of happily breastfeeding moms while I am trying to bottle feed a screaming baby or else have to leave to pump.

I should be happy - I have a beautiful healthy baby (after years of infertility and a miscarriage) but I spend my days fighting back tears and almost wishing the months away to when he will be bigger.

I am not really sure why I’m posting. I guess I am hoping that someone will be along to tell me that it does get easier or that i should give myself permission to switch to formula. My rational brain knows that formula is totally fine - in fact I have always been a massive advocate of fed is best.

Basically I am a mess and hoping for an anonymous handhold!

Why don’t you try formula and see how it goes ? Honestly if breastfeeding is making you feel like this, don’t do it. You will never get this time back with your baby so do what makes things easier for you! My baby has always been formula fed and is perfectly happy healthy 10 month old.

That sounds horrid OP! I've been in a similar position to you, I do/did 50/50 formula/breastmilk but I had to stop pumping because it was killing me both physically and mentally. Your baby needs a mother, not just breastmilk! 🤎

Please please try some formula today.
You can relax then knowing that you gave breastfeeding your very best shot.

Lots of people you know, successful, happy people were formula fed.
Your baby will relax and so will you.

Come off social media and don’t Google anything.
There’s always an agenda.

All that matters is that baby thrives with a happy mother.
Do not feel guilty at all.
Take care of yourself x

My little one is a similar age and I’ve also found BF hard but this sounds like next level hard, you’re a superhero. Credit to you for keeping going this long. It would be completely understandable for you to switch to formula at this point - it sounds like you’ve tried everything and your babe has had 2 months of breastmilk, which is still great. What’s more important now is that you’re happy, able to cope and to give yourself a break! A happy mama is way more important for your little one than breastmilk! You should absolutely give yourself permission.

You’ve done so well to get to this point but don’t continue if it’s making you miserable, I’m sure your baby would prefer a happy Mum. My DD is 10w now and I also found breastfeeding super hard (she had undiagnosed tongue tie). I quickly realised I couldn’t cope with triple feeding or exclusive pumping so she had been on formula with a little bit of breastmilk (expressed and direct from source). I am genuinely happy she has had some breastmilk although I’m still 50/50 on whether the stress and time pumping was worth it. Give yourself a break and enjoy cuddles with your baby. For the bottle feeding maybe try a different sized teat or type of bottle or ask the health visitor for advice?

Also it’s totally wrong for the doctors to make you feel guilty. Although breastmilk might be great the health benefits over formula are actually very minimal in developed countries.

I could have written this post when my daughter was the same age - she was injured at birth which meant she struggled to latch and I spent time and money on cranial osteopathy and lactation consultants/breastfeeding experts while exclusively pumping. It was hell. I remember sitting crying over a breast pump while watching my beautiful daughter playing on the floor and I just thought what am I doing?! I put the breast pump away, switched to formula and never looked back. We were both happier and my daughter was absolutely fine on formula. You've done amazingly well, give yourself a break and trust me the guilt goes away very quickly!

Start formula today! The hardest is to make the decision and once it is done you won't regret. Don't even justify yourself to people, your baby your choice.

First few weeks of a baby are incredibly hard so it's ok to wish them away, I have three children and still not a fan of the newborn phase, soon things will get easier! X

I'm assuming with lots of money spent on lactation consultants they've said if your baby has a tongue tie or not? You didn't mention in your post, as sometimes that can also affect bottle feeding as latch so rubbish.
Also what teat size are you using? As if too small in attempt to keep them interesting in breast flow then that will make them have to work even harder and make even bottle feeds take ages!

Thank you all for the kind responses.

@Ihatewinding yes he had a tongue tie at birth which was fixed day 2 (has been reassessed by specialist and it hasn’t reattached). He also had a fairly traumatic emergency c section birth and had some neck issues as a result (since addressed) which I think didn’t help matters as the poor little mite was probably in pain when trying to latch.

We have recently moved up a teat size against advice from the midwives who said he is still too small for the 1 month plus teat - I disagreed and he is slightly better at drinking but still takes an hour to feed. I wouldn’t mind the little and often feeds if I was either breastfeeding directly or giving formula it’s just so all-consuming trying to fit the pumping in around his tapas-style eating preference!

I think for my own sanity I will start to reduce the pumping. I suspect that the tapering will probably take us a few weeks given my oversupply issues and tendency to engorgement / mastitis so we should get to about 4 months between the tapering and my freezer stash.

Does it matter what type of formula I give him? None of the doctors or MW will recommend a brand (they all keep
telling me to keep pumping and keep trying to get him to latch - not helpful)… I am leaning towards Hipp based on little more than it being organic but any recommendations would be gratefully received.

Again - thanks for all your kind words. I really really needed to see it in black and white that I am not a selfish cow (pun intended) for giving up the pumping xx

@MrsSamR oh god the tears I have shed while pumping. Am surprised the milk isn’t salty…

@Mamoun good to hear I am not alone in not enjoying this stage and even better to hear it gets easier!

You've done amazing to keep up the pumping so far tbh! I caved within 2 weeks as I found it too much attempting triple feeding and I wasn't getting time to actually bond with my baby. Pumping and stressing about it takes such a toll on your mental health.

It's been 8 weeks so I'm not sure he will latch if not doing so by this point. If you've got oversupply then you can at least know it's not because there's nothing there to suck.

My baby ended up having a dairy intolerance as well and we tried lots of formulas before getting that diagnosis, but she was less distressed by Hipp comfort so I would assume Hipp in general is easier to digest and so a good choice?

Hopefully, whatever you decide, you will start to have a more enjoyable time with your son, especially after such a rough start

Please don't struggle on BF as it really isn't worth it. I could of written your post and felt such guilt/a failure at giving up. Fast forward 18 years and ds is taller than me hardly ever ill and a strapping lad so it obviously didn't do him any long term harm not being bf what would of done him harm would of been having a dm who wasn't happy and was exhausted.
Enjoy these precious times as before you know it they are grown up.

You've done incredibly well to have got this far (when many others would have switched sooner), but I agree with others that it sounds like it'll be in yours and your baby's best interests to switch to formula now.

Breastfeeding is a great thing, but there are so many other aspects to being a good mum.

I was like this with my first and felt incredible guilt for a long time. But she thrived on formula and I was so much happier mentally. There is absolutely no difference between her and other children her age and they now all have the same beige diet!
You have nothing to feel guilty for and should be proud of how hard you have tried. Re. The teats, my second was the same and was on fast flow really quickly, you know your baby. All formula is the same, I would get the one easiest to find in any shops in case you need it!
Good luck.

I just picked Aptimal as it seemed widely available and comes in different forms (powder, 70 mL disposable bottles, and 200 ml cartons of readymade). It can be convenient to pick a formula that comes as a ready made version to use when out and about -easier than faffing around with powder. You can probably use a different brand if need be as they are all the same from a nuitritional standpoint.

Could your LO have tongue tie ?

We went for Hipp Organic - legally they all have to be basically the same but like you the word 'organic' made me think it was somehow better! As a PP said it's handy to pick a formula that has a premade version for when you're out and about as it makes it soooo much easier! My daughter wasn't fussy and would have it room temperature out of the bottle too so was super handy.

I lasted all of 4 weeks pumping for my first and less than 3 with my second - mine were both mainly formula fed right from the beginning. I have strong and healthy 22 and 14 year olds. I was a happy and well rested mum and I definitely made the right choice not to persevere with breastfeeding. But then I had a sensible midwife who advised me to do it. It was only me who was creating the guilt.

Thank you again for the advice / support. I (naively) wasn’t expecting things to be this difficult as none of my friends seem to have struggled (or maybe just didn’t talk about it).

Doesn’t help that my DH works crazy long hours and often doesn’t see the baby during daylight hours Monday to Friday. Then at weekends I have been stuck in the house due to the pumping while he goes out to run errands. He has never done a full day with the baby so doing one feed / a couple of diaper changes / the odd bath makes it seem to him like it’s all so easy…

Still, trying to look positive and look forward to the end of the pumping - no more giant swollen agonized boobs; no more massaging blocked ducts while sobbing in the shower and NO MORE EVIL BREAST PUMP!!!!

If you have still frozen supplies, could you have done me time during the weekend ?

My youngest was like that. She was rubbish at feeding regardless if breast or bottle. It cld take an hour to get her to take an ounce of milk. It's tough so if formula wld help give u have more time and rest go for it. Do not feel guilty, u tried for longer than most would.
It does get easier, he will start taking more but if anything like mine it's slow progress. She's nearly 3 now and still doesn't eat a lot but ironically now enjoys a cup of milk!