Fed up of 17 month old

[Pearl2468]

I am absolutely fed up of my 17 month old daughter. She is gorgeous to look at, and cute. But that’s about it. I simply do not enjoy being in her company. I’m constantly on edge because of whining or crying flare ups that start first thing in the morning. I’m particularly on edge in public as she will cry and moan in cafes unless I give her my phone for her to watch children’s programmes. In parks she is all over the place, doing dangerous things and trying to engage children who are cold and disinterested. I found this latter character trait particularly odd. She will often scream if I try to put her in the pushchair, and moan if I try to change her nappy or outfit. She will do risky and dangerous things and then scream if I try to move her out of harm’s way, elbowing me hard in the chest. I spend my life carrying her away from danger. It’s physically exhausting. We’ll have brief nice moments when she plays nicely with another child in the park. When it’s time to go, the screaming and elbowing begins. Nothing is good enough for her and it’s causing me anxiety as every other second, she’s moaning and crying. The sound of her is maddening. I just want to zip her mouth shut. We have so few moments together where I actually feel happy. I’m usually just anxiously waiting for either the next risky manoeuvre that could cause her harm, or the next whining / moaning / screaming session. I’m fed up. Totally fed up of her whinging, open-mouthed, screaming face. She sleeps in the bed with me and seems able to sense when I’m gone as she wakes up not long after I walk out. So I’m like some kind of prisoner. I really can’t stand her. My life revolves around pacifying her - mediating her moods. My life centres on carefully not doing anything to cause one of her outbursts. She was an easy and lovely newborn. I don’t know how it came to this. I just don’t like her personality. I don’t know what to do

You sound like you are desperately in need of a break OP, toddlers are incredibly hard work. 💐
Do you have family who could take her for a day so you can have a break from your DD?
At the least, can you start to move her into her own room so that you can have some time to yourself?

go back to work and put her in nursery? She’s just a baby still, most of this will pass, it’s her age rather than her personality

Toddlers are hard work.

Can you go to work and put her in nursery or with a childminder?

It's age, not personality. You don't like toddlers and that's ok, lots of people don't.

Tbh you sound like you're really struggling with your mental health in addition to he behaviour so I would think about talking to your GP, maybe talking to a therapist of that's an option for you.

If there is anyway you can put her in childcare I would do it, for as much time as possible to give both you and her a break.

Do you have a DP? Are they contributing adequately?

Awwww OP. I remember days like this. DD is now 3, and much easier. 17 months ish is hard as they’re mobile but have no real receptive language, they have the movement to do the things they want to do but not the understanding or speech to know that it’s dangerous. If it helps, by 2 they usually have the degree of understanding that the ‘whys’ start to sink in.

Take the day off tomorrow - does she like TV? Will she watch cartoons? If so just let her do that while you relax and just let your mind wander for a bit. If not, do you have a playpen? Buy some cheap props from Amazon that you can whip out in desperate moments - crayons, colouring books, even just weird sensory things like pipe cleaners. Don’t be afraid to leave the room for ten minutes if the whinging is getting to you. It will pass, I promise.

Sounds like some time apart would do you both good. Is nursery an option for a few days a week?

I find it incredible that ‘put her in nursery’ is the answer from so many.

To find your own child so annoying you can’t stand to be near her, yet expect poorly paid carers, who neither know nor love her, to have more patience and understanding is baffling to me.…….

So much judging but no suggestion? Funny that.

I kind of agree tbh. People who start threads like this are always indulged but actually, it's no secret that kids are hard, relentless work. It's not 'normal' to hate your own though. As for solutions, maybe talk to a doctor?

Really? What's your advice then? I'd say it was pretty obvious that the OP is at breaking point and needs a break from her DC. Childcare then becomes the obvious choice.

The reason the nursery staff or a childminder or a nanny would have more understanding and patience is because....wait for it....that's literally their job. They're dealing with toddlers who do dangerous stuff and whine when told not to day in and day out. It's what they've trained to do. It what they've chosen to do.

Are you baffled that parents who can't educate their own few children themselves send their child to school to be taught by underpaid teachers, in an underpaid system, in a group of 30 other kids?

I think you'd feel better about things if you lowered your expectations a bit. It's absolutely normal for a 17 month old to explore and climb and do stuff that's risky. Sitting in cafes with a 17-month old is unlikely to be a relaxing way to spend your time. I would only ever do that if the person I was meeting would engage with DD or, if it was just DD and me, I would expect to engage with her the whole time.

I know that it's hard when it feels like you're having to constantly stop them doing something they shouldn't. You could give yourself a bit of a break from that by taking her to places where there's far less to go wrong. Are there any open spaces around you that don't have playground equipment where you could take a ball and she could have a run around?

Regarding sleeping, however hard it will be, I'd really recommend that you get her sleeping in her own room. You need a break. Once you get over the hurdle of her learning to sleep alone, you might find she sleeps longer and in a deeper sleep which might help to improve her temperament and better rest for you will definitely help you to cope with parenting.

I know health visitors get a bad rap but they are there to support parents with kids under 5. If you happen to have a good health visitor there are things they can do to help you.

Also look at Home Start who are a charity that help to support parents.

That age is hard, they have no concept of danger- it’s not a personal wind up to you, their brains simply can’t process it. But because don’t say much either, it can feel like a battle at times. I promise it does get easier and it’s not necessarily specific to your child’s personality, rather than the stage they are at. I found having lots of factual information about their brain and stage of development really helpful, as well as practical tips for what to do (Try dr Becky good inside, curious parenting, little big feelings and Anna Mathur on Instagram as a starting point).

At that age, a big game changer for me was when I learned to tell them what to do as opposed to what not to do eg “walk, DC”rather than “don’t run, DC”, “close the fridge, fridge closed” vs “don’t open the fridge” really helped avoiding some of the outbursts (and the frustration of you feeling like you’re always being ignored). There’s a whole page of suggestions like this in the book the Montessori toddler (I’m sure you could get a copy from a library).

Do you have a partner/family/friend/babysitter you could call on to help for a couple of hours so you can do something for you away from DC?

Are you a single parent? You sound like you need some time apart from her. Is there anyone who can take her, even just for an hour? She sounds like a normal 17 month old, they don’t like to sit still in cafes and they have no sense of danger at the park. They grow out of it. But you need to have the mental energy to get through it. Did you have PND after she was born?

She's a toddler, doing what all toddlers do - they're all assholes.
Kindly, I think you need to speak to your GP, as some of what you've written is concerning.

You need to see your GP.

you need to see if friends/family will give you a break or pay for some childcare.

Toddlers can be very frustrating, but the way you write about her is worrying. You need help.

She sounds totally normal but you sound as if you are struggling more than is typical.

Have you had low moods since your baby was born? Is it possible you could be experiencing something like PND?
I would definitely speak to your HV or GP to see if you could have something to help your mood.

I think you need to speak to someone about your mental health, rather than demonising a baby.

I have to thank you all for your perspectives. I was always hesitant about nursery until, at least, she could talk. Although she drives me mad, I love her and I’m protective - perhaps to a fault. I went through these responses today and we went to the park and I just left her to roam free as I normally do, but this time, I did so without interrupting her. I simply followed her around, and engaged with her if she pointed at something (fir example, ‘yes there’s a pigeon - he’s flown away now’). I am now seeing that, left to her own devices, she is less risky than I imagined. There were many opportunities for danger and accidents, but it seems I need to give her more credit as she kept herself safe and reached for my hand when she needed help. This differed from my previous approach which was to rather grab her hand, pre-empting an accident. I really need to let her lead the way more as today was a lot better and our relationship felt healthier. I wonder if my being over-cautious was stifling her, and the cause of our previous rapid declines. Today, there were no outbursts in the park and she climbed into her pushchair after a while - I was really happy that she was able to communicate that she had had enough and wanted to go home.

Wonderful advice about affirmative instruction (‘do this’ instead of ‘don’t do this’). I was aware of this approach and implemented it previously, but as she became more wilful and started running ad climbing, I have been increasingly going back to reprimanding and over-use of the word ‘no’. I need to reset and go back to how I used to tackle her mischievous behaviour.

ultimately I agree that I need some kind of childcare. Perhaps the nanny option will suit me better. I’ll explore it as I do really need some support.

That’s fantastic OP. Long may it continue. There’s definitely a ‘knack’ to getting toddlers to behave which is hard to perfect when you feel so stressed.

The most important advice I was ever given is be consistent.
If you say no to something stick to it.
If you give in the child learns it’s worth persisting with unacceptable behaviour as they get what they want in the end.

Distraction is a good technique to employ too.

Toddlers can be very trying- good luck.

I'm a childminder.
I currently care for two 17 months old...believe me I have endless patience with them, and I care for them no matter what their mood or behaviour is.
Your comment is very insulting to childcare professionals.

Hi - "helicopter" parenting does more harm than good tbh
Please do get some help...childcare.co.uk is a fantastic website with childcare professionals on there that will give you some support at this time.
I look after all ages as a childminder, this age is quite tricky x
But you sound like a great mum...I'm a mum too except my baby is 17...trust me it's the hardest job you'll ever do!
Sending love xx

I think childcare is an excellent option. Go for a childminder in a smaller setting. It sounds like your daughter would love to spend some time with other children. It would be great for both of you.

Thanks for the update OP, really pleased to hear you had a better day. Sometimes it’s just so all-encompassing, you just need a reminder of stuff you already know, but can’t remember through the tiredness and stress! All the best 💐

Lovely update! Good luck and I hope you can find childcare that suits.