Very worried about aggressive toddler. Please help.

[Spicycurry]

My son is 21 months old. He started biting at nursery a few months ago. I always apologised and asked the nursery workers to pass on my apologies to the parents and asked if the other child was all right. I was reassured that it was normal, but it’s continued. It’s now been going on for the best part of four months.

He doesn’t really bite other toddlers when I’m with him but he does push and hit. What really concerns me is that he almost seems to seek revenge, I know it isn’t malicious as this age but if another child takes his toy and he reclaims it he will sometimes go after the other child to try to hit them. It makes any sort of meeting other mums so difficult.

He sometimes hits me and his dad when we do something he doesn’t like. We say no firmly but it makes no difference, he just ignores us and carries on.

I know people aren’t always kind about aggression in children. Other than this he’s a lovely boy - I know I haven’t really sold him here (!) but he’s so loving and affectionate and cuddly. But he isn’t like that around other children and it worries and upsets me a lot. Can anyone help?

This is totally normal toddler behaviour, they have no impulse control or understanding of their behaviour at that age. Keep saying no, model kind hands, move away if need be, distract with other things, he’ll get there as he develops the ability to control his brain and body better

Thanks @BuffaloCauliflower - that’s really reassuring.

Sometimes he’s fine. Other times he really isn’t. He is mostly okay in organised group settings but if we’re at the park and (say) another child is on a piece of equipment he wants to go in he tries to hit them. I don’t let him but it just makes it all so stressful.

Its really reassuring it’s normal, my worry is the other children don’t seem to behave like this.

Sharing is really hard for toddlers, they just don’t understand it and if they want something, they want it! We just have to keep modelling being kind, not forcing sharing and they’ll learn. Other children do do this, some more than others but it’s not in any way unusual or concerning what your son is doing.

Thanks @BuffaloCauliflower , you’re really helping put my mind at rest. My main worry is being ‘that’ child, him losing friends, silly I know.

It might be ‘normal’ but I don’t think it’s something to just ignore because they have ‘no impulse control’ - they need to learn impulse control and parents need to teach that. I would’ve come down on my child like a ton of bricks if they’d bitten or hit other children or us. Even at 2 years old. They need to know it’s completely unreasonable as early as possible otherwise when do you start to discipline them? By discipline I mean copious praise and love but grey rock when they misbehave. You may need to gently restrain his arms if he’s hitting too.

I agree it is normal.

There's some books, Google hands are not for hitting and biting books there's a dinosaur one and others depending on his interests it may help.

If he goes to hit your or his dad you say no we use kind/gentle hands and literally walk away.

For biting, I know it's awful, I've been on both ends of it. Have a look at sensory chew necklaces these could help take his frustration out on that instead.

In regards to sharing when your playing with him you can ask 'can mummy have a go' if he gives you, praise him - thanks for sharing with me John that's very kind of you. Have a go of the toy and then ask if he would like a go.

Its really reassuring it’s normal, my worry is the other children don’t seem to behave like this

Honestly they do, it's just not openly spoke about.

Totally normal. My son that age was awful and would punch other kids all the time, literally had to watch him like a hawk! Absolutely lovely now age 13 and is horrified when I tell him the stories!

I could have written this exact post.
I am a teacher and spent the 6 weeks off with my DS and noticed he only was rough or bit when he was tired - always within an hour of being due his nap or bedtime.
Have your nursery done any tracking of when the biting is happening? Mine offered to do this just before the 6 weeks holiday. Now we know what triggers it, I've found they are able to intervene and be aware.

I've found it so hard to deal with emotionally as I too don't want him to be 'that child' and have asked nursery for advice (I work in secondary and behaviour there seems so much more straight forward to me than toddlers!) Nursery suggested that they just repeat no biting/gentle hands etc. but they do also use the teeth are not for biting books. They did however repeatedly reassure me that this is common in boys especially and a number of children in the room did the same - I am not taking this as any sort of excuse, but emotionally has supported me in trying to work with my DS at this tricky age!

Thank you.

@UWhatNow - the problem is he doesn’t understand. I don’t let him hit other children and I do physically remove him but there have been a small number of occasions where I just haven’t been fast enough. I say ‘no, we don’t hit’ firmly but often I just seem to make it worse as he’s frustrated at being taken away from whatever it is he wants to have a go at.

He really isn’t like this all the time and 95% of the time he’s the most loving, smiley, cheery little boy who loves cuddles and kisses and is gentle with our cat. It’s frustration I guess. I’m going to Makaton classes with him, I hope this may help.

My son would run across a crowded room to push over a kid he’d never met before at that age. It hasn’t been an issue for 14 years now and I’m sure your son will grow out of it too. It feels awful at the time though, especially when no other children seem to be doing the same. I promise your son will grow out of this and hopefully very soon!

@ablisha - same! I do think with the biting it was ‘learned’ to an extent, he was bitten three times and then started biting. He’s never done it outside of nursery but he is so rough and pushy and snatchy. I worry so much about it because I know when I’ve been at the park or soft play with friends and another child has been unkind there are murmurings about it and unpleasant things said about the child and the parents and I’d hate for that to happen to us.

Thanks @TheProvincialLady and others, you are all helping reassure me he isn’t destined for a life of delinquency!

@Spicycurry I have thought this about other parents too however I'd like to think most would have been there in some respect (maybe not biting) before. My friends little one has pushed/been rough with my son but I know they're just learning and they don't yet grasp all boundaries.

My DS has only ever bitten at nursery or myself or my husband. I do find myself dreading the pick up in case he's done it again but they did suggest they could call me to tell me if that would ease my fear. I'd ask them to track the timings/events though, just to see if there's a pattern like my DS.

@UWhatNow grey rock 🤨 removing connection to control behaviour is absolutely not a developmentally appropriate tactic, nor is ‘coming down like a tonne of rocks’ over behaviour they’re not in control of. They can’t develop their brains faster because you get firmer/angrier with them, it’s no different to getting angry with a baby for not crawling sooner. They can’t do what they can’t do. Absolutely move them if they’re hurting themselves or others, distract them, reinforce what is acceptable behaviour but there’s a big difference between authoritative parenting and guidance, and authoritarian parenting and punishment

@UWhatNow this is definitely not what the nursery have suggested to me... 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'd be worried to be honest to restrain my child and that they learn that if you don't want something to happen, then you should use physical force.

@UWhatNow I would however move him away to ensure another child's safety if needed, but restrain seems very extreme.

Thanks again and @BuffaloCauliflowerthat was a very compassionate post.

I don’t know if it makes a difference but a lot of my friends have girls, and they don’t seem to have as much of a propensity for shoving and pushing and hitting!

Nah it’s personality not sex, they’re all different. Though my boy is trying very hard to be a stereotypical boy and prove me wrong on that one 😂

Completely normal. No point in ‘ton of bricks’ approach as they don’t yet understand cause and effect. Hang in there until 2 and a half when they start to understand. Until then manage environment - guide away ‘I can’t let you hurt x…’. Recognise triggers - hunger, tiredness etc. and ‘prepare for success’ ie for next few months try avoid such precipitants. Nursery also needs an age appropriate plan. once two and a half books suggested are helpful as is ‘when I feel angry’ by Cordelia Spelman and positive parenting around gentle hands so stickers and praise for gentleness. At one stage I even had a tiny sticker chart in my handbag so I could surreptitiously give them in the park for good behaviour.

also worth considering:
behaviour is communication
my son couldn’t tolerate nursery for a variety of reasons that he couldn’t yet explain. some of the biting/lashing out reflected that. Much better once I moved him to a childminder.

Well you’re all the experts then but my approach produced well behaved kids (three very different personalities) who I could take anywhere. When I say restrain - I mean holding their hand or stopping their arms - not a padded cell ffs! And I didn’t having terrible teens either. Now they are young adults they still choose to hang out with us so they are not scarred for life.. but hey what do I know 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would also check for triggers as suggested, and whilst he's in this stage spot/supervise him extremely closely if you do end up somewhere like a busy park, literally ready to block any hitting that might occur/remove him if it seems necessary. Rinse and repeat. It will be tiring but worth it. Consider avoiding trigger places for a while or go when it's quiet.

I'm not keen on the books tbh, kids don't learn this stuff from books, and they already know they're not to supposed to hit they just can't help it yet (so need help to stop - also teeth are indeed for biting, that's exactly what they're for, so doesn't even make sense!

I'm sure we're all allowed to parent differently.

I'm glad it worked out well 😊

Mine was a biter at that age and I was mortified. Like yours he was a loving little boy but just had this biting habit mainly at nursery. He did grow out of it before too long. Just to reassure you a bit - he grew up to be a much more civilised than average teenager and is now a very lovely university student!