Help- daughter “disengaged with learning”

[Desperatetomotivate]

NC as outing. Daughter in in head 6, she has quite a complex mix of kids in her year. Lots of extra learning needs and children with social care support. Daughter is not in this group, she has fantastic social skills. I should add she does not have a mobile phone, don’t want to drip feed and it be suggested as a social bullying issue, she will get one at her 11th birthday, lots of bullying at her school cos of these devices so resisting giving her one as worried about adding to her stress.
Anyway since last year she has become completely disengaged with learning, I have tried to motivate her but I will admit I find this frustrating and am not brilliant at teaching. She went to school during the pandemic as am a key worker. Last night she got up from bed and was just crying, she didn’t know why. Spoke to her teacher and her teacher thinks it’s linked to her getting extra maths support and knowing she is behind.

Can anyone help me with ideas of how I can support her to get more engaged and improve her learning? Willing to consider all and any suggestions. Have spent an hours drive crying about how I’ve failed her as a parent and now worried she will go to secondary school being totally low and wanting to never go. Background I am a SP who moved to WFH in 2019 but do go out a few days a month for working. Dad is involved but mainly 3 times a week doing days out. I will consider all options like KUMON, tutors anything, please help!

Have you thought about getting her someone impartial to speak to, a safe place to vent her feelings?

Don’t feel bad OP, you’re not failing your DD as a mother, you are facing a challenging time in your DDs childhood. This happens and your love for her really shines through. So, wipe away those tears, because you can help your DD. There will be lots of good suggestions on here for you.

One thing I would suggest having your DD assessed for is ADHD. As you’ve described three symptoms of ADHD in girls:

• You’ve said she’s disengaged with learning, with no motivation and is behind in maths, this suggests an inability to concentrate/focus. Girls are more likely to have the inattentive type of ADHD instead of the high energy/impulsive type of ADHD
• You’ve said she has fantastic social skills- this is a very common way for girls with ADHD to mask and compensate for ADHD. They work on being calm and entertaining to their friends- which are usually few in number but close to them.
• You’ve said she’s woken up crying, but not knowing why. Emotional dysregulation is a key symptom of ADHD in girls.

Girls with ADHD are more likely to be victims of bullying in school…and you’re a bit more concerned than the average parent would be, probably because your gut instinct is that your DD is at higher risk for bullying and perhaps even less able to cope with the distress and hurt if it were to happen to her.

If it is ADHD, it is very easily helped with medication and an EHCP support plan with the school. Your DD is actually on the young side for a girl being identified with ADHD, girls with ADHD often fall through the cracks and most are not diagnosed until adulthood. So please don’t feel you should have done anything sooner (if it is ADHD).

So, this is one avenue of investigation I would pursue, I am sure others will pick up on other ideas so you can hopefully get to the bottom of what going on with your DD and get her the help and support she needs.

Wanted to edit and correct, Dad is involved 3 times a month.

@Discovereads that’s a interesting suggestion as this never occurred to me. I will look into this.

@MolliciousIntent Just trying to think about who that might be, her dad might be an idea?

I was thinking more along the lines of a counsellor or therapist, someone who she'll feel no pressure to please.

I see, that’s a brilliant suggestion. It’s hard when we have to accept no matter how much we love them we aren’t always the right person to talk to.