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Original poster

9 month old has never slept through the night and we are losing will to live

96 replies

SLEEPDEPRIVEDHELP · 12/09/2022 22:08

Hello,

We have a beautiful baby and love him dearly (we're two women FYI and I'm not the birth parent, my partner is still breastfeeding) - but he has never successfully slept through the night in 9 whole months and it feels like no matter what we do, we can't seem to get him to.

We're at breaking point - and it's really affecting our lives and my ability to work.

We used a sleep trainer but to no avail - we've even tried cry it out and he just will not stop crying and go back to sleep. We've tried introducing comforters. Essentially only way he'll kind of sleep through the night in a way that causes least disruption for us is for my partner to breastfeed basically all night.

Here's how a typical night goes:

Bedtime 7 or so: goes to sleep pretty easily, but will start waking and need soothing back to sleep from about 45 minutes in to his sleep and then can expect maybe 2 hours uninterrupted sleep if we're lucky. Then constantly waking from midnight.

During a particularly busy period at work for me, we fell into a pattern of my partner/birth mother breastfeeding him during the night just so we could get some sleep and then I would take over from 6.30am/7am until I needed to leave for work so she could get some unbroken sleep.

We've me doing the nights so now he doesn't expect breastfeeding but still will not stay asleep or go back to sleep with either co-sleeping or extended periods of time soothing him back to sleep.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as we are walking zombies by this point.

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 12/09/2022 22:10

How much food is he getting through the day? Could it be hunger that wakening him up?

Doyoumind · 12/09/2022 22:15

Unfortunately I think you need to manage your expectations because it's not unusual for a breastfed child to still wake hungry at that age.

Original poster
SLEEPDEPRIVEDHELP · 12/09/2022 22:17

OK that actually makes me feel better because in so many of our baby groups other parents keep talking about how their babies sleep through since 6 months

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old 9-12 months old Babies & sleep Children's sleep
Original poster
SLEEPDEPRIVEDHELP · 12/09/2022 22:18

We thought this could be it, but he's getting 2 bottles plus breast on demand and solids. Do you think pausing any feeding in the night is a good idea?

OP posts:
bonnestar · 12/09/2022 22:19

How are his awake windows in the day? Sounds overtired

What sort of sleep training did you use? I had similar with my son (also two mums 😀) best thing we did was use sleep training. Pm me if you want and good luck !

Bellesboy1218 · 12/09/2022 22:19

Does little one have a dummy?

I breastfed and introduced a dummy at about 6 months because I was being woken throughout the night for feeds or comfort. The dummy allowed me to get some decent hours sleep in between feeds. I would also offer water sips to deter from offering boob all the time.

Co-sleeping worked well for us also x

beccahamlet · 12/09/2022 22:22

None of my breastfed babies slept through a single night until they were a year old. Come to think of it around the time they packed in the breast feeding. Sorry you're having a tough time.

AllBlocChain · 12/09/2022 22:24

Some babies sleep, some don’t. 9 months is very young and annoying normal. One of mine slept through at 6 months, the other one was a bit older… 🥲

DietCokeExtraIce · 12/09/2022 22:27

Our bf baby just suddenly started sleeping through at 10 months, didn't do anything differently. I think you might need to wait it out - sorry! It seems like all babies are different with this

bumbledeedum · 12/09/2022 22:30

Doyoumind · 12/09/2022 22:15

Unfortunately I think you need to manage your expectations because it's not unusual for a breastfed child to still wake hungry at that age.

This.

Completely normal for babies to still be waking. Some do sleep through but a lot don't.

nocoolnamesleft · 12/09/2022 22:31

My mum states that I was 5 years old before I slept through. This is not true. It's just that by then I could read, and owned a torch. You may be in for a long wait. (And no, I don't know how she didn't kill me)

mackthepony · 12/09/2022 22:32

What's his nap schedule during the day like?

Dummy?

I'd quit breastfeeding and give formula tbh

Or maybe cows milk

You must be knackered

CafeNervosa · 12/09/2022 22:32

That sounds really hard work. I’m sorry.

I just wanted to say that my breast fed eldest daughter didn’t sleep through the night until 15months. My youngest daughter just slept through for the first time last night and is 10months old - and I think that was because she spent all day outside yesterday. My friend has 12 month old twins who have also never slept through either…. So I think it’s normal for babies not to sleep through at 9 months.

but the waking sounds like a lot to cope with. I read the book ‘Precious Little Sleep’ which had helpful manageable tips that made a difference. I use a dummy with my 2nd and it’s made a lot of difference in self-soothing, and also a white noise machine.

hopefully things get better soon, but know that they will get better eventually!

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 12/09/2022 22:38

Bedsharing is the only way to cope. Ds first slept through at 11 months, but not consistently for a bit longer. He breastfed until 2 but I kept trying to make him sleep on his own.
Dd, I was convinced, slept through from 8 days but in hindsight I reckon she just helped herself to boob while I slept through it all because I just ignored the health visitors and bedshared from day 1.

Try a book like 'skin to skin' by Rachel fitz desorgher. It's makes baby behavior make so much more sense. Good luck!

Kudja · 12/09/2022 22:39

You have my utmost sympathy- and I do mean that. Mine still don’t sleep through the majority of nights and are now 5&7!. Cosleeping was good as it meant less disruption. It’s hard, but I found trying not to focus on how little sleep I had had, and just getting on with the day was the best way to cope. It was bad though - I do remember seriously googling if it is possible to die through lack of sleep (more than once).

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 12/09/2022 22:42

My 9 months old naps three times a day for thirty mins only.
We go to bed at 10p.m and he sleeps but wakes every 2/3 hours and I breastfeed him.

What you have described is totally normal!
My 3 yr old only started sleeping through a few months ago. Don't expect them to sleep through from any point as it may not happen for a while!

Kudja · 12/09/2022 22:42

Also, every time I felt I couldn’t go on, they would suddenly have a better night and I would be able to right myself again.

amd all those people who told me their children slept through now deny that they did!!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 12/09/2022 22:42

Oh and I am cosleeping with my boy. Babies want to be beside their mums and feed on and off. That's just being a baby!

SirVixofVixHall · 12/09/2022 22:43

Doyoumind · 12/09/2022 22:15

Unfortunately I think you need to manage your expectations because it's not unusual for a breastfed child to still wake hungry at that age.

This.
my eldest only starting sleeping through just before my second was born, so at about 2, my younger didn’t sleep through until she was four.
Your nightly routine sounds totally normal, sorry !
This is how babies are, there isn’t a magic solution. Kip when you can, at some point in the future you will start sleeping through, forgetting the nights of no sleep, and that is when you might think about a second…

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/09/2022 22:43

Lots of bottle fed babies don't sleep through the night either until well after a year old. I think you need to manage your expectations a bit, it's totally normal.

Monkeyrules · 12/09/2022 23:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I had the same with my son until he was a year old. I listened to the health visitor who said we must not sleep train. Me and my husband were so exhausted the health visitor wanted us to get a prescription for anti depressants.

In the end we did controlled crying, it took 6 weeks to get my son to sleep with support from millpond sleep training and cost around £350 although you could probably do this yourself for free.

I feel angry when I look back the pressure to live up the health visitors expectations. Online advice and people saying don't ever sleep train on forums made things so difficult especially as my son was born during covid and we had no support or anyone to take him so we could get a few hours sleep. We were so sleep deprived and he was too. He now sleeps really well and I am expecting another baby very soon. I will not be sleep training a newborn but when this one gets to six months I will think about it. If I were in your shoes I'd do it as I know how awful I felt with my son but just needed someone to say it is ok and your child will be fine 🙂

FrozenGhost · 12/09/2022 23:01

Gosh OP this sounds tough. Yes it's normal to not sleep through the night at this age, but ideally you'd be down to 1-2 quick wake ups, not what you describe.

Its not politically correct but in your dps position I'd consider stopping breast feeding. Bf is so wonderful but (personally to me) not so wonderful it's worth staying awake all night every night doing.

Monkeyrules · 12/09/2022 23:04

Sorry I missed that you've already tried controlled crying. I agree with frozen ghost. It only really worked for us once I'd given up breastfeeding.

FrozenGhost · 12/09/2022 23:05

Can you tell us a bit more about the type of sleep training you tried, what the sleep trainer said, and how cio went, how long you did it for, etc. Maybe someone will have some ideas for you.

SirVixofVixHall · 12/09/2022 23:10

Oh and I agree on co sleeping as suggested by pp. much easier.