Angry 3 year old

[Charlotte0603]

Am finding my DS3 very challenging and I am exhausted from the constant battling with both my son and then the consequent arguments it tends to cause between me and my DH. Am after some practical advice.

He is a month from turning 4 and attends preschool 3 times a week. He is a very funny and often kind little boy but he is becoming more and more angry and aggressive. If he doesn’t get his own way he lashes out, usually by physically hurting, screaming, shouting, throwing things or delicately trying to break things. He’s also started very recently become quite threatening, for example if you don’t let me have that biscuit I will kick you.

I’ve tried the usual time outs and he just doesn’t seem to care, he will spend the entire 3 minutes screaming and shouting or ripping wallpaper off the wall.

My DH and I have differing parenting styles, He will describe himself as old school and has no issues with smacking him but I don’t agree with it. But I feel like I am fighting a losing battle as my DH will now keep saying clearly what you’re doing isn’t working.

Hes fairly good at preschool we’ve had 3 issues in a year, all incidents of not wanting to share and lashing out. Preschool have said no real concerns, I’ve asked for advice from them but nothings been forthcoming. I have now chased up as he is in a new year group.

where do I go for help? Is the health visitor an option? I don’t want to look like a failure and a bad mum but I really am struggling and it’s making me very emotional. This then leads to arguments where my husband says I take critique to my parenting too personally. But they’re my children (I have DD9 too) of course I’m going to take it personally.

I know I’m not alone in having these sort of issues, but i feel so lonely.

If you do that again, in going to smack you.

If you don’t let me have that biscuit I will kick you.

Where do you think he's learning it from?

The problem isn't your child, it's your husband.

Well the smacking needs to stop right now tbh.
He's learning the consequences from his dad very sadly.

You need to be very firm when you say no and telling him no.

Put him in time out and walk away. Remove things he can break, granted not wallpaper but anywhere else you can do it?

Give me a biscuit or I'll kick you, no John you can have one after dinner and walk away.

Smacking "works" because the child is terrified. And confused because they are being punished for what their parent just did the same.

What you're doing will never "work" in the same way - it will take time to teach a child to express their emotions in a non physical way, this is a developmental process.

Your husband needs to do some reading and some self reflection.

Ps time outs will not work they will make it worse - have a read up about it

This. Violence breeds violence.

Conflicting parenting styles leads to confusion in the child. They don't know what on Earth the rules are. Confusion leads to frustration and frustration leads to this lashing out. He doesn't know what the boundaries are because he's receiving different messages from the both of you. Agree with others that husband is the problem not your little boy x

Thank you so much for the replies, I really appreciate it.

I’m going to read up on time out situation, as I know a lot of people personally who have had success from it, although I appreciate that not all children respond the same

.@rattleskittle what would you do instead of time out?

I am going to move forward making the boundaries very clear and trying to be as firm as possible, and following through with consequences.

@newtolineofduty exactly this! I’ve tried discussing this with DH and things for both of us change for a few weeks with DH being calmer and me being more consistent and then things ultimately slide with DH going back to having little to no patience and then DS goes backwards too and I then end up overcompensating and being too lenient for make up for DH being the other way. I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious circle and don’t know how to stop it.

Smacking / threatening etc doesn’t work, there’s loads of studies and science around it. Your husband needs to do some parenting research. He’s just continuing historic parenting techniques which have resulted in an adult population riddled with anxiety. Time outs aren’t ideal either. Imagine coming home from work after a shit day and lashing out at the people you love the most and them sending you away to be by yourself, when really all you want is a hug or for someone to sit with you and tell you it’ll be ok.

Children respond much better to boundaries, consistency and collaboration. Follow Big Little Feelings on instagram, it really does works. We have a 3 year old and he’s not perfect but there are no chinks in the armour with DH and I, he knows where he stands at all times and it’s always calm and consistent.

He’s 3 and has no control over how he feels and how that manifests itself in his behaviour. He’s probably acutely aware that you and DH parent differently and it’s confusing for him.

it’s so tough OP when the other parents has differing views! And 3 is a tricky age already!

@Charlotte0603 yes I totally understand and it so easily happens, and I guess no couple or individual is ever 100% consistent-you're only human! I think it's a case of sitting down and agreeing on the basics first, in terms of what you definitely will not tolerate, and what strategies you'll use when those things happen and then take it from there x you just need to be 'consistent enough' hun xxx

Your DH is smacking him, therefore he's learning the language and that smacking is what gets you what you want. Stop your DH smacking him!

My son is 3 and if he says something mean, recently it's been "I don't like you" or "go away" I say "if you say that to me again I will switch off your cartoons/take your lolly away/take your toy away"
And he has started learning consequences from that.

He's definitely picking stuff like this up from other kids in preschool and it's horrible :(

Soooo a trusted adult in a 3yo life gets him to comply by threatening and hitting.

Gee whizz.

I wonder why the 3yo threatens and hits....

Yeah a grown man smacking a tiny 3 year old child is a huge issue and needs to stop immediately. I would actually leave my husband if he did this to one of our dc.

Try reading up on gentle parenting, the way your ds is behaving is not unusual but the way you both deal with it consistently will help him to learn that it isn’t acceptable.

It's quite a typical phase and tends to even itself out once they have actually turned four, certainly by 4.5.

Smacking is likely to make it worse because, yes, he's doing what he's seen modelled - thinking this is the way to make something happen when you want it and somebody is being uncooperative. Model something calmer and less threatening, and he will start to use those skills too.

There is a great book called How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, that has multiple great techniques to use instead of punishment and threats.

Health visitor might be able to refer you both for a Triple P Positive Parenting course, which might be useful as it will be a united consistent approach? It's not like you have to ONLY use that approach from now on, but it should give you some useful tools that you can learn together.

Although smacking isn't good, there are likely some positives from your husband's approach e.g. clear warning and follow through, and there are likely some positives from your "softer" approach such as understanding and seeing your son's POV, but if you go more lenient to "compensate" and your husband goes stricter to "compensate" for you, that isn't helpful overall as you end up with a really unbalanced parenting approach overall, which can end up being scary and confusing for your son. Try to lean in and learn from each other, though I think I would probably be hardline about no smacking too D:

Not a DH problem, an aggressive 3 yo problem. If he doesn't respond to a 3 minute time out and causes damage in the time out. You tell him to stop. If he doesn't you make him do another 3 minutes. If he doesn't stop move him where there is no wallpaper and another 3 minutes. People don't seem to realise the time out doesn't work if he continues to cause damage in the time out. He sits quietly for 3 minutes. If he doesn't you give him another 3 minutes. You don't have to leave him alone, just make it clear you are the one in charge, not him.

And smacking stops. You must be on the same page. You are too lax and he is too harsh. Middle ground

So sorry OP, he sounds like a real horror!
You need to step up, and your husband step back, so you meet each other in the middle RE discipline.

That sounds tough OP 💐

Is your DS any better behaved for your DH?

What do you do when he threatens to kick you or is tearing wallpaper off the walls?

@Canany1cme

When he threatens me I will ignore it or tell him it’s not nice and to stop. If this doesn’t work he’ll lose privileges such as no screen time or playing on the trampoline.

He’s also started this week a new gymnastics class, so I am hoping that this will help with him being calm and listening. I’m also thinking it’s a good thing to encourage his good behaviour with something to look forward to and the possibility of removing it if his behaviour is very poor.

No, I wouldn’t say he behaves any better for my DH than me.

I am really grateful for all of the responses, it’s tough to hear people saying your child is a “real horror” but I guess I did ask for people advice and opinions come with that. He’s not “horrible” all of the time, actually in some ways he much more loving and affectionate than his big sister. I never thought having a little boy would be so different from a girl, but in my experience it’s a totally different kettle of fish!

Establish boundaries and rules with your OH. You both need to follow the same ones or your child will be mightily confused.

Bad behaviour needs consequences that matter to the child and that they can understand- eg it needs to happen straight away and be something that will make them stop and think. For example - loss of screen time, taking toys away, sent to room or whatever works. If they start damaging things, take them away. Take everything away if they won't stop. Try to stay calm and not react yourself (very hard I know!!!). I used to have a toy prison up high - and they could earn them back through good behaviour.

You need to reinforce good behaviour - reward charts, stickers, praise, treats etc. sometimes it's better just to ignore bad behaviour and focus on good so they learn to get attention in a good way.

Smacking is very out of fashion and for good reasons. Ask OH how he would feel if he saw another adult beat his child. It should be the absolute last resort and imo only if the child is being violent to you. Eg. If my child was repeatedly and deliberately violently kicking the back of my seat in the car and had been warned to stop and still refused, then I might give a tap on the legs. A lot would say never.......

@catsnore thank you so much for this reply, this is what I was after, some solid practical advice.

I will be sitting down with my DH and showing him these responses later.

When he threatens me I will ignore it or tell him it’s not nice and to stop. If this doesn’t work he’ll lose privileges such as no screen time or playing on the trampoline.

And what do you do when your husband threatens and then hits your child?

Does he lose his privileges?