Grandma safety worries

[Aurora225]

Hi everyone, I’m hoping you all might be able to tell me if you think I’m being silly or not. Im
a single mum to two kids- 8 with ASN and 15 months. I work part time and my mum is my childcare as my only other options are to quit my job or hire a nanny (which would make me worse off than not working). My hours don’t work with nurseries or childminders etc and they cannot be flexible unfortunately.

Anyway, my mums retired and has always volunteered to babysit while I work. She’s cold toward me, but loves her grandkids. She’s not always been great safety wise with them though. Today I was in the bathroom while she was getting them ready and I came out to find my one year old unsupervised in the living room- which is mostly babyproofed so not ideal but ok, but the door to the front hall was open and the baby gate on the stairs was open. So he had access to two flights of stairs. He’s only just started climbing onto the couch etc. and loves it! So I obviously think leaving him unsupervised for several minutes with access to two flights of stairs is dangerous. That’s why the baby gate is there.

I tried to be calm and explain how fast he is and that he is not safe to go up or down steps yet, especially unsupervised. My mum didn’t seem bothered. She said sorry but in a blasé kind of way.

This isn’t the first time she’s not been as careful as I’d like, but I know I am a little paranoid about the kids getting hurt because my 8yo got hurt once in someone else’s care and needed a hospital trip and it was awful. Bumps and scrapes are fine obviously, but if it’s something likely to need hospital treatment or worse then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to shut the gate behind her?

If you don’t trust your mother to keep your children safe for you to go to work you could pay for childcare or stop working until your youngest is in full time school. That’s it. There is no other option - unless you have someone else who you trust and who is willing to care for your children for free.

It sounds a bit oversensitive to me, sorry. I think if you're taking advantage of free childcare you need to relax a bit.

Well yea, but it’s not that simple. If I tell my mum
this then my whole family will probably never speak to me again. The kids already don’t have a dad in their lives, it would leave them with just me. It’s a big deal and I guess I was asking what others thought of the safety situation or if anyone had any advice with convincing my mum to take it seriously. It’s not about the money or scrounging for free childcare. It’s just a nanny is very expensive and almost impossible to get here, and other childcare options simply aren’t possible with my working hours and my daughters disability. I am looking for a new job, but I’m having to look outside my career and suitable pay/hours are hard to find.

The thing is, it is that simple, when you get right down to it. Either your children are safe with your mother, or they aren't. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and I'm not trying to stick the knife in, but I think you need to work out whether she's actually putting them in danger, in which case you need to stop using her as childcare, or if she just isn't doing things how you'd do them, in which case you need to recognise that she's doing you a huge favour, and relax a bit.

overall I think she does keep them safe, but things like this make me worried. If she had said omg i can’t believe I forgot to shut the gate it would have been different. Everyone makes mistakes and no harm was done, so owning it would have been fine. But it was the blasé attitude. Either she was masking because she was too anxious to express it, just doesn’t think she needs to apologise to me because I don’t matter enough, or she’s starting to lose it. She’s only 65 though.

shes such a worrier normally. I don’t understand why she was so ok with risking him
getting hurt.

I’m not taking advantage of her though and it’s definitely not free childcare. I look after her in lots of ways in return and she offered. When I had my second I suggested childcare to help her out and she got mad and said don’t dare. She wants to have a close relationship with her grandkids. It’s only one or two days a week during the day. She never does evenings etc. i never go anywhere other than work. I never ask her to do any extra.

Could you talk to her? Tell her that certain things are a must? Maybe put up reminders in case she forgets.

I get that her blasé attitude troubled you. I get the same from both my mum and my mil. It seems like they think that if they react in a serious manner to my concern it's the same as accepting blame. My mil has several times left sleeping tables on the floor and when I told her very seriously (but not rudely or angrily) that she needs to be careful to not let this happen again she just kept saying it won't happen because it can't happen because she is the most careful person in the world. If she'd just said, yes, I'll be very careful from now i'd have felt more reassured.