Return to work / childcare / am I being unrealistic?

[Blossom1993]

NC as don’t want to link to previous posts. Just want a sounding board as to whether I’m being realistic or not. Or someone to help give my head a wobble. Or maybe come up with something I haven’t thought of!

Currently on maternity leave. Before having my baby I commuted into London which was basically at least 2 hours each way. Salary would be considered low for London, but it’s high for where I live so I was still financially better off despite my huge commute costs. Job is relatively senior but is not a “big” job.

DH and my plan for childcare had been to each drop a few hours, probably to 35/36, compressed into four days. This would then each give us a day with the baby. The remaining 3 days would be covered by grandparents and nursery. Pick ups and drop off split 50:50. DH won’t have any problem having a flexible working application accepted for compressed hours as it’s the norm where he works.

However like all good plans this has gone a bit awry.

I went into work for a KIT day a few weeks ago and went out for a coffee with my line manager.
She asked me whether I'd thought through what I wanted to do hours wise when I return. Having shared my proposal, she doesn't think it will be accepted, but said to apply and see. I was a bit shocked as I worked long hours pre baby - I could easily have done 75% of my hours in three days.

DH has now backtracked on this plan, as due to things coming up this year at work he thinks a 4 day compressed week will be too much for him. He wants to do a 9 day fortnight instead.
Great for him in that he’ll still have time with our son, but it won’t help our childcare arrangements / costs as if I can’t get compressed hours DS will have to be in nursery 4 days per week so we’ll be paying for that day even if he’s at home with DH.

I’m now trying to figure out a Plan B for me where I can see as much of my son as humanly possible. I’m thinking about proposing as an alternative I do two long days, one normal day and two half days. It won’t help us in terms of childcare costs as the nursery DS is attending does not offer half day slots, but at least on the two half days I could pick him up around lunchtime. Though I feel by the time we get home most of the day will be gone anyway for meeting up with friends or anything else.

DP has to go to the office two days per week. I theoretically should be work from home the majority of the time, but my employer has a vague home working policy since the pandemic which reserves the right to ask us to come in. That’s another thing that’s worrying me. My daily commute costs are very high, plus I’m not sure how I’d juggle or budget that with working irregular hours across the week and the logistics of nursery. Childcare costs will be split between us fifty fifty but DH’s commuting costs are very low as he works locally, and has the option to drive.

To make matters more complicated, the nursery we are sending her to is a twenty minute drive. I don’t drive for health reasons so the on the days when I’m doing picks ups or drop offs I’ll be cycling to and from.

Help!!

Is there an option to get a new job which is closer to home? Sounds like if you have to go the office there is no way you can do pick ups / drop offs.

As parents we always make it work no matter what. I made plans and then had to change them as either they weren’t working or life changed.
It does all sound very complicated. Did your boss offer any alternative that they thought would be accepted? Were your reasons valid and that the business needs would still be met?
I personally find a day off is much better than a half day because otherwise I can’t switch off or I work longer than I should. But my friend prefers two half days because she has tasks to do every day and her nursery is only a 2 minute drive away.

It's really stressful isn't it! The only thing I want to say is that although I am fortunate to be able to do 4 days, I don't really make much of the extra day off and I wouldn't hugely mind working five "standard" days. I think that if you get up with them on a morning and the do tea time/bed time, in my experience, you still get plenty of time with them. I guess what might be more complicated for you is the commuting and travelling to nursery times might eat into that. You do just make it work though and I enjoy going to work and wouldn't want to work less. In terms of budgeting, I appreciate everyone is different but DH and I do share commuting/travel costs as they are a necessity not a luxury.

I think it's great that you and DH are splitting stuff 50/50, but maybe you've taken it a little too literally? If DH drives and is driving to work locally and you don't drive and may need to commute, surely it makes sense for him to do the majority of drop off/pick ups? You can pick up the slack somewhere else. It feels like in your efforts to be equitable you've lost sight of what is actually the best solution for you all as a family.

I'd also question you paying 50/50 rather than having a joint pot and paying from that, but that's probably another thread.

It sounds like you need to be looking for another job.

Do you have any alternative childcare possibilities? A local childminder? A different nursery? Grandparents doing an extra day? Could you also work a nine day fortnight, if they won't accept a four day week? Could you get some guaranteed days to work from home? Push your employer a little. They're not creating a very family friendly work environment by the sound of it.

DH won’t have any problem having a flexible working application accepted for compressed hours as it’s the norm where he works.

He needs to stick to his agreement to compress his hours and have one regular day at home. It’s perhaps not ideal for him that he’ll have to do this, but working parents lives are rarely ideal. He cannot backtrack as he is putting everyone else under undue pressure just to make his life a little easier. If it is indeed too much for him then you can all reassess and add an extra day at nursery if necessary. But he should stick to his agreement now, because it’s unfair of him not to try.

Similarly, why are you not sharing all finances and having a joint pot of money? That would take care of the inequality around commuting costs. All money in one pot, then agree how much to have as discretionary spending each in your own accounts.

Lastly, if the nursery is a 20-minute drive then you cycling for pick-up and drop off is unrealistic. Look for closer childcare. If you can’t - if you are very rural - then DH needs to do almost all the taking/collecting. This may affect his ability to compress his hours so perhaps your compromise is that he sticks to 9-day fortnight but does all the childcare travelling.

Do not propose anything other than your 4-day compressed hours week. What you need to do is show that you understand the business concerns and have a plan to mitigate any problems they might cite. There’s very few places that can adequately demonstrate that a 4-day week is disadvantageous to them. Press your manager on why they think it’s not feasible.

How are you even going to do a drop off or pick up with such a long commute? Particularly given its 20 mins away I just don’t see how it’s workable? Does it close at 6? So you need to be home for about 5:30 to get your bike and head on to nursery? So you need to leave work an hour or two before then which isn’t a full day never mind a long day.

Why are you even thinking drop offs and pick ups are fully shared when your DH works locally? It makes more sense for him to do most of them.

Hang in there for compressed hours and don't offer an alternative. Then consider other options if you don't get it.

DH needs to compromise somewhere. Either he sticks to 4 days as planned, or he does 5 days. 9 days just means he gets a day off without the baby once a fortnight while you pay for childcare unnecessarily- surely he can see that's not a sensible financial solution? Or how about if you went for 9 days too - you may be more likely to get that - and baby is in childcare 4 days a week?

Agree with pp that if you're commuting and DH isn't, he should be doing more of the drop offs and pick ups.

Don't try to "maximise time with your child" (as you say in your OP) at the expense of your own mental health. Find a solution that works for you as a family, not one that involves you running around like a crazy person. Leave the mum guilt at the door!

I’d pick a nursery that is closer if you don’t drive, or that you can commute to by bus when required. A route where you have to cycle I think is not practical, if the weather is not great or you have to collect your child early because of being unwell coupled with poor weather is not great. If you can do it by bus when required or your partner can do all of these times it’s less of an issue.

You can't let your DH backtrack and then make it your problem to fix. What's his plan B? Why are you doing all the work here?

I think you'd be absolutely crazy to carry on with a 4 hour a day commute for an average salary, you'll really be missing thr baby and be desperate to get home.
I'd find something local or wfh as a first step.

From your work point of view, if you always worked long hours then they may well refuse a flexible working arrangement - regardless of your contracted hours you'll only be working 80 percent of the hours you used to, and likely less as four long days plus a commute would mean not seeing your DC.

Your DH doesn't get to renege on his part of the deal. Yup, it's going to be difficult, two working parents and small children always is. He also needs to be doing the vast majority of nursery runs.

It does all sound very difficult, I hope you find your way without too much difficulty.

Four hours a day of commuting is going to make life very hard. Even on your half days you won't have much time surely? No way would I want to be working every day driving for four hours, with a young baby in the mix.

I think I'd be looking for another job that is more flexible and either you or DH discussing someone going properly part time.

Can you not also ask for a nine day fortnight opposite dh with you both having every other Friday off. That’ll save you a day a week fees and might be
more acceptable to your work.

Well it's not a long time in life to do nursery runs but school is worse! It sounds like dh working locally and driving can do all the pick up and drop offs, you can do a 4 day week and great if he can do a 9 day fortnight but as that's irregular I reckon you don't bother with that unless a grandparents can pick up the slack.

4 days a week nursery is expensive but worth it for the stability. If you can afford it between you do that.

Meanwhile just ask for PT at work. I think what they might be rejecting is compressed hours. It's not fair to get paid FT but not do FT if everyone else did the same the business would take a hit. I feel your pain. I can easily do 5 days worth of hours in the 4 I get paid for. Everyone can see its unfair but equally I get space in my life that my 5 day a week coworkers don't get. Long term my career has flourished regardless and whilst the nursery years were hard I now get paid more than I did back then and no longer have nursery costs.

Childcare is so difficult. I am currently on Mat leave and will be going back to work next year. Having previously used nurseries I have been looking into having a Nanny. Is this something you could consider as their hours worked are more variable than fixed nursery days.
I have commuted into London in previous roles but only for a couple of months and it's absolutely horrendous when you have a small person at home. I'm not sure what time you will be home, but considering how early young kids go bed (plus the usual dinner, house work, getting ready for the next day etc) I found I wasn't really there but only on the weekends. When I then had errands to run etc, chores to do and try do something fun and get some sleep! I would personally consider a closer to home job where life would be so much easier and get to see your child if you don't get the 4 days a week agreed.

I don't think your dh (or for you) can afford to backtrack tbh. I worked in London with a long commute. People say you make it work but I couldn't. My work refused pt hours, I had to leave that job found another one but when school started I just could not make it work anymore.

You do also need to think about schools. Does your intended school have wrap around and how would drop offs and pick ups work because school is much much more difficult. Don't make the mistake I did and think school is ages away, it comes around quick and if you end up having to move jobs well worth thinking about that before you move so you get a job that will work in the long term, same idea for your dh tbh.

It's great that you and DH are sharing the load but fair doesn't always mean equal!

For us we both work a 9 day fortnight which means we don't have super long days and will see the kids normally even if it's just for bath time. DC in nursery 4 days and we alternate Fridays. I earn substantially more so pay more of the nursery fees but our commutes are the same so drop off/pick up 50/50. But my job things tend to pop up which can make it difficult to leave on time so I generally do more drop off and him more pick up when we are both in the office. If someone is WFH they do both.

You need a bit of certainty in the plan. Whilst things happen (illness etc.) Work out what an ideal/normal week looks like.

I would apply to your work with the hours that you want and a strong case of why it is good for you and the business. If they reject it then get a clear justification of why and work on negotiating from there. Don't go in for less than your ideal from the start.

Think about the long term in regards to both your family and your career. Is another DC on the cards? How close are you to schools? Would going part time impact your career (or DHs?)

We have two DC in nursery which is expensive but we are riding it out as my job is important to me and neither of us could just walk back into our roles if we took a break.

I will say I am better at setting boundaries at work since having kids. This is not to say I do less work but I am definitely more focussed while I am there and will leave non urgent stuff if it's got to pick up time. I do know some other working mums who have gone down to four days a week and do regret it slightly as they feel they are doing five days work and getting paid for four. My advice would be compressed hours or three days part time as that seems to be the threshold were people actually think of you as part time and adjust the work load accordingly!

Could you both do a 9 day fortnight?

Also totally dependent on your DC but picking up at lunchtime doesn't really allow for much time with my DC. My eldest still naps in the afternoon so it would be pick up, nap for a couple of hours and then play time, tea, bath etc. Especially going into the winter getting dark early.