4 year old a nightmare at bed time

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I am one worn out mum. My 4 year old is really difficult at bed times. For context, me and his dad split when he was 1, spends 5 nights a night with me and the other two at his dads. At his dads, he has absolutely no problems at bed time. But with me, he is dreadful. I've always had a pretty strict bedtime routine from him being weeks old. Bath, story, cuddle, bed. The problem has been ongoing for a good 9 months now, he was previously going to bed with no problems. Nothing major has changed in that time (other than him starting school last week) and I'm just exhausted and I don't know what to do anymore.

He'll get in bed and immediately start to get upset. Then he usually starts asking for his daddy. I tried the whole FaceTiming daddy at bedtime thing which calmed him down initially but then as soon as he hung up he'd cry again. So that's a no go. Then he tells me he doesn't like his bedroom. Then he'll tell me he's scared of the dark - thought I'd fixed that by having fairy lights in his room but that still doesn't work. Then every single time I try and leave the room its always 'wait! I need a drink' or 'wait! I need my 5837583th wee!'. And if I say no to these demands (after him already having had a wee and a water bottle at his bedside) he will throw a full blown tantrum. I really am losing it, I'm at the end of my tether and tonight I'm writing this out of mum guilt because I've ended up shouting at him and now I feel so horrible. I really don't know what to do. I feel inadequate as a mother as he never does this for his dad, his dad has always been the 'preferred parent' since we split, but I always put that down to the fact that on the two days he's with his dad it's filled with fun stuff, whereas with me I often can't afford to take him out to all the places his dad does, I can't always play with him every time he asks because I'll be doing housework or dinner for instance. I guess I'm rambling now but please, any advice would be gratefully received. I am really really down about it.

I feel for you -- bedtime battles and previously independent sleepers becoming more needy is frustrating!

My DD became scared of her bedroom after a nightmare about a week after her baby brother came home from the hospital. She had previously been an excellent independent sleeper. I just decided I would use bedtime as connection time with her and started lying in bed with her for a little chat and until she falls asleep. She doesn't fight bedtime anymore because she's really excited for cuddles and chat. I used to be all about independent sleep but honestly she's asleep sooner this way and it's been great for our connection (especially with new baby now taking up so much of my time). We play a game called "my magical place" where we take turns inventing a magical place and say what we can see, hear, smell, taste and feel in the magical place (,e.g. my magical place is in the sea, there are green and yellow fish. I can smell the pizza the fish like to eat and taste cookies that the fish bakery is making... it's all very silly and fun). Then I sing her a song and it's eyes closed sleep time.

It's actually a great game for learning their emotional state too because if I ask "what makes the fish angry/happy/sad" she'll often say things that are enlightening "the fish are sad when their mummy goes to work" etc.

I figure she'll be bigger very soon and won't want cuddles from mummy anymore so I might as well enjoy it while I can!

I do hold very firm boundaries around this time -- once the game is done it's song and quiet time to fall asleep. She knows I won't chat anymore after that and if she pushes the issue she'll have to fall asleep on her own as it appears me being there is too much of a distraction.

Finally, listen to this podcast if you're inclined -- many great ideas... open.spotify.com/episode/3iv5DEydmcQE07BjAHV2hn?si=AwlnL9I4S_q8yUkVQqwe4A&utm_source=copy-link

Can't you stay with him til he's asleep?
I do that and I get the "I'm hungry" (banana), "im thirsty" (water) time wasting and I keep the answers to that by the bed but once that's done, I close my eyes and say I'm going to my quiet place now and when you're quiet and still I'll tell you a story. She messes about for a minute but I remain quiet with my eyes closed. Then she says she's ready, I tell a story (without a book) and within minutes, she's asleep. Then I leave and get on with my evening. Whole things will probably be quicker that way. Could you try?
Bad behaviour is a symptom of some other cause, he's probably just needy for you at the moment.

Sounds like he's made it part of his routine to get in bed and get upset to get attention. I understand he's going through big changes and must be unsettled but all this needing a drink and a wee.. I think he's trying it on. If he has a tantrum that is okay, he is safe in his bed, and if you ignore that he will learn that he doesn't get his own way by doing so.
(I get that this is easier said than done!)

Please don't take it personally, sometimes kids act naughty with the parent they feel safest with because he knows you'll love him unconditionally no matter what.

Practically, I recommend a weighted blanket for nightmares, it helped my dd stop her night terrors. They are good for anxiety.

There was a show on years ago called House of tiny tearaways with Dr Tanya Byron - you can watch it on YouTube. It's brilliant, it's got lots of advice and tips for parents about bedtime.

And sorry but I wouldn't stay with him until he's asleep, that's just not practical for you and not good for him.

Also, and I'm sure you've already done this, ask him if he's worried about anything at school.
It's such a big change, it's probably making him stressed.
I hope things settle down soon x

My DC is a similar age. Also scared of bedtime atm and will only sleep with someone next to them. They have a lot going on at the moment... left nursery, just started school and new baby sibling arriving soon. I just go with it now and lie next to DC until they fall asleep. We have a chat about DC's day - it's usually the one time DC will actually talk to me about their day at nursery/ school - and then I put an audio book on until DC falls asleep. It usually only takes 5-10 minutes. I figure DC probably needs a bit of extra support right now and hopefully things will settle down again in a bit.

I think your DC is telling you he needs you. We still stay with our 6 yo until he's asleep most nights because he doesn't like to be alone. We don't allow snacks or any larking about, I just lay on the floor next to his bed until he drifts off. I don't think it indulgent, I'd rather see him happy and well slept.

My ds - also 4 - started doing similar over the summer. We tried listening to stories, but he wouldn't sleep whilst they were on.

What eventually worked was listening to children's meditation. There are loads of free podcasts. I think the stories were too stimulating and he always wanted to know what happened in the end. The podcasts are dull as ditchwater, and send him off pretty quickly.