Struggling with age appropriate replies

[wowmummy]

Hi all

So a bit of background
My mum proclaims herself to being Mammar of year, devoting on her grandchildren night and day. Which is not the case. Despite living 2 minutes away we never get a visit or rarely a FaceTime.

Anyway she makes promises like taking my son into her work place etc and she hasn't

Since he's started back at school it's I don't like year 1 every morning but after a wings he goes to get dressed. He then asks every morning if we are going to Mammar house, if Mammar is coming to see us. My responses so far have been...
'Not today it's Friday and we are having pizza for tea - family ritual for us to have a pizza party on Fridays'
'I think she might be going to work today actually'
'No we can't as Mammar hasn't invited us round today'

Anyway my friend is heavily pregnant and her mum has started picking her boys up from school and yesterday DS said I wish my Mammar would pick me up from school. Actually broke my heart 😥 this is something my mum would NEVER do. Picking up from school is for parents to do is what my mum says.

So this morning because it's not a school day I was hoping he wouldn't say anything but now not only has he asked he's also asked how long it takes for Mammar to get here.

I'm not angry at him at all. I want to sit and cry for him but I just don't know what I'm saying is for the best and if he's understanding. Will he stop asking?

We don't really go round there house now as they kind of said we take packed lunches for us and 'not to expect tea' in a round about way. I'm sure they would dispute this but it was kind of intended if you know what I mean. Otherwise why mention it? So we feel awkward. They don't come here as they say our house is too small. Our settee isn't big enough.

My sister sees them on a Thursday so my mum (sister still lives with her) will hear all about them then so she knows there updates etc from her

I can't speak to my mum about it either as I'm worried she'll make plans and not stick to them (like before) and/or she throws it in my face she looks after them when I need it - twice this year and how they've borrowed us money. The kind of people who do things who want you to be eternally grateful and then when they don't like something throw it back in your face to shut you up and squash you as you can't argue the fact back.

What else can I say to him?

Thankyou xxx

I think it’s ok to say something like-

grannie is quite busy and when she has time she will come and see us.

and just repeat it.

why can’t you take your son round to see her?

We feel awkward with taking round packed lunches etc so don't bother really. Feel a bit stupid taking our own tea round like bags of chicken breast 🙈 like we don't expect them to give us tea but if they want us to be there for tea we have to take our own

I dunno if the kids will ever see it as abnormal if we did. It only became a thing since they had them a weekend because of a non child wedding

Thankyou as well I will use that line

She sounds like massively hard work but if you want to maintain a relationship with her then it sounds like you will have to make all the effort.

If she only lives 2 minutes away why do you need to visit at meal times? Can't you just pop in for an hour in the morning or afternoon? Surely that would remove a layer of complication?

Does your DS have another set of grandparents?

There are plenty of children who don't see their grandparents every week and whose grandparents don't pick them up from school.

I wonder why he wants to see her so badly when she seems to be giving so little back.

I did wonder whether to go around mealtimes - I just didn't know if that was enough time with them? If they would be funny with us?

They do have another set but it's a building relationship. DH hasn't had contact with his mum for about 17 years and it's slow and gradual

I think it's because she spoils him and promises all these things. He is the favourite and gets all the attention. He has to share it here with his twin sisters. My mum has no interest in the twins. Like the day she said she would take him to work he woke up the next day and got ready and my mum said oh I didn't mean today another day. Kids don't forget things as easily as you think do they?

The hard work thing just makes me feel CBA

First and foremost @wowmummy YOU need to grieve for the relationship with your mother that you’ll never have

shes not a great mother and a piss poor gm too for that matter. Tell ds his gm is busy but when she’s free you’ll arrange things

I still remember my ds complaining about year 1 - after reception it comes as quite a shock to some as they’re expected to do work and not just play all day.

he’ll get used to it. The situation with your mother is aggravating all of this. Have you had therapy? Could this be of help to you?

They do have a play area in yr1 but from what he's told me it's very much work 'challenge time'

I can't fathom my mum. Last Christmas we felt like we people pleased allll the time. We felt unwanted at places and this year booked Xmas eve, Xmas day, boxing day away. A cottage with a big hot tub that the kids will love. Just us 5. My mum screamed at me, kidnapping my children. They'd rather be with her. Her grandchildren are being ripped away from her and how would I like it. She wished I hadnt told her until the night before so she can enjoy the year 2022, now she's dreading Christmas and hates the year. She didn't eat/sleep for 3 days to try and get herself in hospital and then tried to get covid so she could 'grant me a wish of dying' I was speechless and told DH to tell her to stop ringing I can't speak to her. I wanted to say let's plan a big new year celebration together but didn't get chance. She's now booked with my sister and dad to go to Tenerife from the 21st-28th December

Is that love though?

I'd love to know what I have done to warrant a relationship like this. I need to speak to DH alone lol he always listens and knows what to say.

I think I will just have to keep saying it that's she's busy and then he might stop asking 🤷🏼‍♀️ I've explained that we can't invite ourselves around other peoples houses so he knows that. Funnily enough the girls never ask. That tells you something

Your mother is a narcissist

everything has to be all about her. She creates drama/issues whatever you do. You’re the bad guy. That’s the role she’s created for you.

your kids are vulnerable to her because they can be roped into this dynamic and turned against you.

I think your h will confirm that this is unacceptable behaviour, you were definitely and purposely made to feel unwelcome last year- you know this - she wants you to react so that she can justify throwing yet another fit.

Do your thing. Do the best for your h and dc. That’s it. Let her rant and rave. If challenged TELL her you’re made to feel like a burden and quite frankly it’s not a nice atmosphere for you, your h or your kids so you’ve made other plans. You’re pleasing yourselves as clearly you can’t seem to please her, she lets you down, let’s your kids down and enough is enough.

fuck her tbh. She’s absolutely no loss.

She plays favourites with your kids too. That’s hugely damaging. You have ONE job - to raise and protect them.

I can kind of get the kids being vulnerable to it. I can imagine it.

Whatever I do I am a bad mother. She checks if the kids are wearing vests etc I am so smug as when needed they do. When my daughters hair is styled she will comment on how I must have made them cry. When people say how lovely my children are I also say my husband is 50% them as well - in light hearted conversation and my mum will say and I'm the grandparents so you can see their good looks.

You've hit the nail on the head that I am always the bad guy. My sister is 26 and wanted to try a big rollercoaster so I went to Alton towers with her and my mums message was 'what I had MADE her do'

When I said I just want to 'do us' this Christmas she said how selfish I was and how much they've done for us money wise etc (that good old fashioned throw it back in your face) when my dad asked when we were leaving, do we have a time we are going at Christmas we were told 'it wasn't like that, after all he's done for you'

She will only contact me if she wants something and now I've started keeping my distance look what's happened - no contact from her!

After the most stressful day yesterday two women in tesco said how nice the children are and lucky to have a mum like me. I'm going to try to believe it

Well this morning he didn't ask (touchwood) 🙏

In the nicest way of course and it saved my heart from breaking for him