Social services and partner

[Schfizzle]

I have 3 children 2 with an ex and 1 with my current partner. My relationship with my ex has not been good and it's seen my daughter move in with her dad last year it was a long time coming my ex convinced her she should live with him and to be honest she is happy and thriving. My son is 10 and lives with me and sees his dad regularly every now and again he gets upset about the situation and wants to see his dad more. My son is so happy here with us and is also thriving but then every so often we hit a bump in the road with his dad. I admittedly have not held his name in high regard for the last few years we have been separated for 7 years and things are not improving. Anyway my partner treats my son very well and trys to instill good morals and life lessons. There was a verbal"spat" last year between my ex and partner my partner said he'd kill my ex if anything happened to me or baby shower this was the first and only situation like this. ( I know terrible however in context I was heavily pregnant and had high blood pressure previous baby born ore term due to this so all round a stressful time) my ex reported this to social services but they were happy that no intervention was necessary. Fast forward a year and my partner and son had a play fight where my son was playing behind the sofa and my partner on the sofa made a sexist comment to me granted he was wrong but nothing to demeaning my son said "don't speak to my mum like that" and he slapped my partner playfully and my partner did the same but accidentally hurt him. The school found out and social services again were informed but they were satisfied with the context behind the event. To this week my son is really upset about not seeing his dad and has come home in a really sad and negative mood which has an impact on the whole house. My partner and son had an argument about my son's phone not working properly ( a phone my partner gave to my son) in the argument my partner called my son ungrateful and selfish. And now this afternoon I had a call from the school saying they were concerned about my son been upset about the argument they said they will be reporting it to social services. The situation has highlighted my own flaws, if I had communicated with my ex better recently my son wouldn't be anxious about coming home ie times and days. So I know I have a part to play in the situation but I am so nervous about social services actually getting involved this time! My partner really hates the negativity my ex causes in our house and I realise I need to change my actions to improve this. I speak negativly of my ex and his actions. Anyone from social services that could maybe tell me what the process will be? I haven't yet had the phone call from social services but I'm geussing it will be tomorrow. My partner and son get on so well but my partner forgets he is only 10 so isn't as mature as he expects. Any advice or anyone being through something similar.

I don't have any specific experience of this but what I would think is best is to be honest. Just tell them what happened during the phone situation. They want to know if your son is safe so tell them what happened.

What did you do when he slapped your son? Playfully or not (which I doubt, because a child was pulling him up on speaking to his mother like shit), it shouldn’t have happened and in general it takes a lot for a child to speak up in defence of a parent, so - does your partner make misogynistic comments to you on a regular basis?

After three referrals to social services due to your partners behaviour are you not questioning whether this man is really a good person to have in your children’s lives?

‘Anyway my partner treats my son very well and trys to instill good morals and life lessons’

He threatened to kill his dad, he physically hurt him, he made sexist comments towards you in front of your son and now he thinks your son is ungrateful and selfish because he isn’t working properly. Protect your son.

• his phone isn’t working properly

Of course him hurting him wasn't accidental. Your partner hit your son because your son stood up for you.

Why can't your son see his dad?

Your current partner is a dick. Your poor son, stuck there being mistreated while you insist all is well.

Your husband doesn’t get on ‘ really well’ with your son- he hits him hard when ‘playing’, argues with him and ‘persuaded’ your daughter to fuck off out of his house to her dad’s. You talk negatively about your ex in front of the kids. Lots to work on if you don’t want SS involvement.

What did you do when the grown- man- husband hit the 10yo too hard? SS probably want to see if you can protect your children. I wonder if DH wants your son to move in with his Dad too?

“My partner really hates the negativity my ex causes in our house and I realise I need to change my actions to improve this.”

read that again. Does it sound to you like you think you need to change your behaviour because of what your ex does or doesn’t do, and because your partner chooses to be negative about your ex? Because they are both grown-up men and you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around their feelings.

I think social services being involved sounds like a good thing, your partner seems to be causing a lot of issues within the family.

SS will not be at all impressed if you minimise your partner's behaviour in the same way that you have on here.

They will want to be sure that you will put your son's wellbeing and safety first - not coming out with things like "Well he only slapped him because..."

Your boyfriend is violent towards your son and to other people. He’s disrespectful to you.

Why can’t you see this?

How does "I have not held his name in high regard" actually play out in practice, op? Your 10 year old has had seven years of living with you while you slag off his Dad.
No wonder he gets upset. And a stepdad who mistreats him, to add to the fun. What a toxic mess. Shameful.

I don't know why I quoted your post @Verbena87 Sorry!

Op are you afraid of your current partner? I think ss becoming involved might be very helpful to you.
Are you ok with your partner hitting your son?

I have lived as a single parent to a 10 year old son for the past 6 years .
As single parents we are vaulnerable to ‘wolves in sheeps clothing ‘. It happens fast ,meet a charming man and allow him in to your home and family and the over stepping of boundaries begins…it fast turns in to total control .Any partner you meet as a single parent will not have the same feelings of unconditional love that you do for your son,this takes time and work and even then there are no garuntees…a lot of step parents that come in to a ‘ready made’ family will have feelings of resentment towards a child that is not their own and after a while ,if this is the case,this will start to show….and it NEVER gets better,only steadily worse.I’m not for one moment suggesting that you can’t meet a new partner who will one day be a loveing fantastic step parent and I have friends who have achieved this well,but there is high risk of abuse to a child by a new partner that comes in to the home…we see it all the time .By what you have written ,your partner is emotionally abusive to your son …and as for the slap,wake up now

Here we go again and again with people these days who constantly keep having children and not really being properly there for them. Why is it so dam difficult for parents just to put their kids first?!!! This man you are seeing is an absolute and utter ass. Raise your standards please! Yes more and more men are just below standard but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Do better. Put your children first. I agree with other comments here he sounds awful and disrespectful, stop making excuses for him it’s not ok.

Your poor son.

I think you should be honest with SS - sounds like your partner is a wrong un and that you need some support

Why isn’t your son seeing his dad?

Im also really concerned that you admit to speaking negatively about his dad and it sounds like your partner is just as bad. Add that to your partner hurting your son, and your son clearly being miserable with how things are, and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he also ended up living with his dad if things carry on like this.