Daughter says she thinks I dont love her

[Queebie]

Just looking for advice / tips please. When I’m cuddling my 7 year old daughter at night she says she doesn’t believe that I love her and she believes that I love her siblings more. She says she can’t understand why I would love her because she isn’t brilliant like them. I try to reassure her but I need tips on how to build her self esteem.
thank you

Bless her.

Can you tell her that they think she's brilliant too?
That she's absolutely brilliant at being her?
That you wouldn't want Two DD2s, you want a DD1 and a DD2.

Perhaps tell her that just like she loves and is amazed by her sibling, you are amazed by her.

Tell her that you'd love to explain it to her, but there aren't words enough to describe how much you love her so you'll just have to smother her in kisses instead.

I always thought my mum loved my cousin more than me because I know she loves her very much. My way of thinking was that you only had so much love to share out between people so if you loved one person loads, you had less for the other people. But love isn’t like that. When I had my DS, I was amazed every evening when I put him to bed, I felt like my heart would burst with love and that I couldn’t love him any more than I did right at that moment, but sure enough, when I awoke the following morning I felt although my love for him had grown! Love is amazing. Our children are amazing. Your DD may not have the same attributes as her siblings but she has her own, unique attributes and personality and they’re why you love her and what makes her your special girl!

Urgh I remember feeling like this so, so acutely. If I were you I would try and be as honest with yourself as you possibly can be, even if it makes you uncomfortable, and take a really close look at how you treat and act around your children.

I spent years telling my mother that I felt like she loved my sister more, and she spent years telling me she didn't, and it wasn't until we were adults that she finally accepted that although she loved us both the same, she was more comfortable with my sister and understood her better. If she'd had that awareness when I was 9, my whole life might have been very different.

Molliciiusintent what would have made this better for you? What can I do to put this right? I adore her x

Love isn't something you can put on a scale from big to small, it's more like music or colour where each relationship is different but never detract from each other

What your daughter is telling you is she feels insecure and isn't happy with the exact relationship you have

Try to go for an angle of "never mind anyone else, what do you want more of in our relationship" rather than inadvertently giving airtime to the idea of love being a quantity.
I think you are getting locked in the wrong conversation a little and need to break out g

Good luck it does sound tough and scary in many ways.

What stands out to me is she feels love is based on what you do, so you need to be clever/funny/talented. I think you need to explain to her that
A) She is brilliant
B) Your love for her is not dependent on this. You love her and her siblings unconditionally

She won't ever feel secure in your love if she thinks it is linked to her abilities in some way, as this means she could lose your love if she messes up.

I would think about the language you use. I often say for example 'I love you, my beautiful boy'. This could be interpreted as 'I love you BECAUSE you are beautiful', which makes it conditional.

Thank you. This is really helpful

Obviously you love her, but if you're completely honest, do you treat her the same as her siblings? Does the world treat her the same as her siblings? Is she picking up on unbalanced treatment elsewhere and projecting it onto you?

In my case, my mum adored me, but we were very different personalities and she really didn't "get" me. Conversely, she and my sister were peas in a pod and although I wasn't treated badly or unfairly, it was as plain as day to me that she had a very different level of connection to my sister. My little brain interpreted that as less love.

My 7 year old does this and honestly I think it’s developmental and not related to how you treat your kids differently or not. She’s beginning to feel big feelings and she’s testing you to make sure she can rely on you. Just be consistent and empathise with how she feels and she’ll get over it eventually.