Feel like an awful parent

[FrizzledFrazzle]

Got caught in a downpour with my 11-week old DS today. He had already had enough of the pram.and was crying because he wanted me to pick him up - which I couldn't do because of the rain - he would have been soaked through in seconds.

Was waiting for a bus and picked him up to get on the bus - but my clothes were soaked through (my waterproof coat was only shower proof and I was drenched). By the time we were on the bus he was damp and still crying. He screamed inconsolably for the whole journey home (and he usually likes the bus) - probably about 25min. I tried rocking, singing, shhh-ing, gentle talking, his dummy, my pinky finger in his mouth ... Nothing helped for more than 30s. I had him wrapped in a shawl and my cardigan to stop him getting more cold, but even they were damp because the rain leaked into my backpack.

Got home and changed him into dry clothes and he was instantly fine, but I just felt shellshocked all afternoon. I feel awful that he was so unhappy for so long (and on a crowded bus). He used to be colicky in the evening and would scream for several hours with no break and that was awful too.

I've read all these gentle parenting things about how any form of sleep training is traumatising to your baby because they learn that you don't come when they are crying. Well what does that mean for my poor little boy crying on the bus?

You got wet
He cried
You got dry
He stopped crying
You both fine
Dont think about it any more
But
Buy a waterproof coat

Congratulations on your baby boy! You are being far too hard on yourself op. You sound like an excellent mother to me, albeit rather over-anxious. Have you been feeling more anxious since the birth? If so, maybe it would be worth having a chat with your HV or GP?

I want to give you a hug reading that! My boy is 12 weeks old and so I'm right here in the trenches with you. That sounds really horrible and stressful, but as a pp stated in quite a lovely poetic way above, it's over now and everyone is fine. Thank god. I'm sure no lasting harm was done 💐

There’s a huge difference between leaving a baby alone to cry OP (& I know that’s not the case with all sleep training) and him being a bit cold and miserable but close to you and being comforted for a short period of time. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

Babies sometimes cry and nothing we can do will soothe them. It’s stressful and makes you feel terrible but you were right there responding to himself. It’s done and tomorrow is a new day.

"Shell shocked"? Really? 🤔

Do you know what shell shock is?

It’s been a common metaphor for over a century. Don’t be an arse.

Awwww OP.
the love and concern pouring out of your post is palpable.
you didn’t leave your baby to get wet alone in the rain. You were there holding them as they were damp and a bit miserable.
the will be times that you cannot stop them crying or take away their pain. But you are there, you love them, kiss them and hold them. That was the perfect parenting response.
The trauma that they say can be inflicted by early sleep training is NOTHING like this.
Babies will cry. So do all children.
My son used to cry when he was overstimulated as a way of shutting down his senses somewhat.

it is such a rollercoaster after having a baby. I’ve only recently emerged. Look after your mental health. Can you talk to some other Mums?

OP, your DS had an hour or so of being mildly unhappy , but the crucial thing is that he knew his lovely mummy was there the whole time.

Remember that he only has one way of expressing displeasure at the moment so crying can just mean, ‘I’m not totally happy’.

He will be 💯 fine.

I had almost exactly this experience and it's so stressful I'm sorry you went through it. It will certainly not have done any damage and he was just communicating his displeasure and knew that you were there to hear it. Try not to worry!

Invest in a puddle suit and think no more of it, he will be absolutely fine x

It's a bit of an over reaction though. Who is "shell shocked" because their baby got wet and cried a lot?

Mum guilt is real. You did everything you could honestly I'd have probably cried on the bus so you did amazing. And you baby knew you were there when he needed you.

I once took my three month to a big shopping centre for his christening bits. He screamed the whole two hours we were there if he wasn't on my breast. And I had a friend there to help me. I was distraught with it. Got him home and he was absolutely fine. God knows what was up with him I can only think he was stimulated. Even though he was fine at the funfair we were at and a couple of parties he'd been to beforehand. I swear I couldn't think straight all evening after it and with the guilt my precious baby had been so upset.

Honestly the same could happen next week and your baby could not even care less.

Firstly, sleep training doesn't traumatise babies.

Secondly, you seem to be feeling very anxious, have you thought about having a quick chat with your HV?

I don't think there is any easy way to take babies on longish bus journeys or out and about in the rain. It sounds like a crappy time for you both but not that you failed as a parent, some things are just inevitably going to be unpleasant.

Op. Give him a year or so when he's walking and when the rain comes like that he will be running outside without a care !
Don't over think it your both fine xx

You were with him and comforting him. He didn't like it but he was still able to feel your presence, warmth, heartbeat etc. No harm done.

Oh bless you, there's a huge difference between being left alone and scared not knowing if your parents will ever return - and being a bit pissed off and not knowing why.

Do you keep a change of clothes in your nappy bag? I always had one for nappy explosions so if the bus was long enough could have got them into dry clothes (though sometimes it's totally easier to just get them home and settled rather than wrestle with clothes and them getting chilly, so don't feel bad!)

Mum guilt dies weird things to your brain, But the fact you feel so bad about this incident suggests he doesn't usually get this upset. Which suggests you are actually doing a great job. No harm done try and put it out of your mind.

@Fishpawsandchips Oh fgs I just KNEW there would be one poster who mentioned anxiety 🙄 ignore it OP you are a new mum and you do not have anxiety ffs

like everyone else has said, mum guilt is real! Just take a spare pare of clothes and extra muslins etc. that way if it happens again you can put the Muslin or blanket inbetween uou and the baby and still be able to hold your baby

I've read all these gentle parenting things about how any form of sleep training is traumatising to your baby because they learn that you don't come when they are crying. Well what does that mean for my poor little boy crying on the bus?
It's not remotely similar; you were there, and he knew you were there

Your baby won't remember it stop worrying it's pointless

I've read all these gentle parenting things about how any form of sleep training is traumatising to your baby because they learn that you don't come when they are crying. Well what does that mean for my poor little boy crying on the bus?

Nothing at all- you were there with him throughout. You weren't immediately able to fix the problem but at no point would he have felt abandoned or uncared for. You're over-worrying.

Thanks everyone.

Yeah, after sleeping on it, I can see I was overreacting a lot yesterday. It was pretty miserable having him screaming his head off for a whole bus journey but shit happens and he was fine, so no harm done.

I did have a change of clothes for him, but he'd already used some of them because of a poop explosion and the others were soggy because water got into the bag around the seams. I've even got some kind of waterproof suit for him - just didn't realize it would be needed already!

Regarding anxiety, I'm a bit anxious generally, but not usually excessively - eg I haven't decided to never get on a bus with him again! I think this idea about not letting/leaving your baby to cry got lodged in my head and I was getting really hung up about it.

Reflecting on things today, I think I'm feeling stressed and a bit overwhelmed about other stuff (impending house guests for 2 weeks followed by 2 week trip abroad to see in-laws, eek!) and rather than actually doing anything about that, I was channeling my anxiety into things I can blame myself for.

I'd also joined a gentle parenting Facebook group that was full of posts about needing to be a perfect parent to avoid literally traumatising your child. Which was not helpful and was definitely feeding the mum guilt. I've got rid of it now.

I think I just need to have a bit more confidence in myself - my son is fine, my parenting is fine, shit will happen and we will get through it. Even under the critical eye of my FiL.

And yes, I was using shell shocked as a figure of speech, not literally implying I had PTSD.

One of the memories I look back on fondly now, is when I trekked through torrential rain with my baby in a hiking rucksack on my back, to get to a baby-singing class I desperately wanted to go to, to break up the monotony of the long days of parenting.

When I darkened their doorway, we were both absolutely soaked, looking like we'd just wandered in from the wilderness - hair everywhere and dripping wet. Panting heavily. In a room full of immaculate mothers who had all stepped out of their air-conditioned cars under umbrellas to get to the building.

I look back at it now and laugh to myself - and I remember having had a great time at the class. I changed her into dry clothes and we sang lots of songs, and I remember feeling so brave and powerful that I had taken my baby out in the torrential downpour, to give her a nice class time and to improve my own mood.

Never let the weather put you off doing what you want to do!