I think I broke my toddler

[Mamabear04]

This is probably going to be a bit of a long post but my head is so messed up I'm just not sure what's going on and would really like if someone could help me to see clearly about what's going on and what to do.

So firstly I'd like to point out that I had a baby 8 weeks ago so obviously DD (2.10yo) is going through some big emotions. I get that and I've been trying to help her as best I can. She's always been a really good toddler, very gentle and tries hard to do the right thing. The first 4 weeks of DS arrival she didn't pay him much attention and was pretty happy seeing as she got so much 1 on 1 time with her Dad and also with me because DS sleeps so well. She has always been very gentle with DS and has started to show an interest, helping to change nappies, holding his hand, going to check on him, trying to distract him from crying.
Around week 6 she started to show big emotions, more tantrums etc think she realised she had to share her parents. Week 7 was much better and I could see glimmers of what our new normal might look like but OH MY GOODNESS week 8?!!! It's like one afternoon she turned and has become possessed ever since! Like straight out of the blue after having a full week of my beautiful LO back. It's like something has just snapped and she has been purposefully being naughty and seems to be really angry at me. She had her first full on tantrum out in public at the supermarket which she has never done with me before (has with DH once or twice). Full on screaming (that high pitched scream they do) rolling about on the floor kicking etc. I tried to stand her up and she started shouting "ouch ouch ouch" even though I was being gentle and then I had to carry her out the shop with everyone looking. I was so embarrassed. What's worse is it came out of nowhere (we were actually having a nice time together) and then I said now we will pay for the shopping and go to the cafe for something to eat because she was hungry. And literally that's what set her off! The day ended up with my having to put her to bed early because she just kept getting into a state!

Since that incident she has just been constantly trying to push my buttons. For the past 2 days has hit her head on purpose (not hard but still) when angry to get attention I'm assuming? She got angry at me this morning for eating my breakfast instead of playing with her. She gets SO angry if I take a break from playing her repetitive games despite trying to spend all the 1 on 1 time I can with her. I feel like I'm actually going mad from playing toddler games!

She's not at nursery yet but I do take her to a couple of mum and toddler groups in the hope it will make going to nursery a bit easier by getting her used to the busy environment. Yesterday she was very clingy when we went in and came and sat with me. DS needed fed but she was very good and brought books and jigsaws so I could play with her while I fed him. The other mums helped her get a snack and then she came and sat with me to eat it instead of the other kids. Once I finished feeding I put DS in the sling and made an effort to go and play with her a little but she just kept running away from me and ignoring me when I spoke to her. I saw that things were going south so asked her if she wanted to stay for the songs at the end or go home and she asked to go home. As soon as we got out the door she had a tantrum because she didn't want to hold my hand in the car park. Today at another toddler group she ran off and didn't want know me. I sucked it up because really this is the goal as she has been very timid up until this point but she just seemed angry. She seemed to have been angry since she got up and had already had 2 tantrums that morning- once because I ate my breakfast and the second time because she didn't want to go to toddler group (but we went so neither of us went mad being cooped up in the house). Halfway through she took her shoes and socks off and I told her that she needed to put them back on which she did but then deliberately took them off again for what seemed to be so she could deliberately have a tantrum. We ended up having to leave again before the end. The whole day has pretty much been her trying to find things to deliberately have a tantrum about.

I try so hard to have one on one time with her but it just seems never enough and the more I do for her the more she craves it and won't let DH help. On the other hand there's times she'll refuse to cuddle me when we're sitting on sofa watching TV but then of course won't be happy if the baby wakes up and I have to go and get him. She'll ask that DH does it even though he is working from home etc which of course he can't. I just feel so messed up in my head, I try to help her but then it's like she's punishing me (which she probably is for having another baby).

I'm also finding it really tough with her at the moment. It's like her attention span has decreased considerably. She will chop and change between toys and want to do everything at once. She won't sit down to eat and is up and down 3773994 times during a meal or a snack. She can't seem to even watch TV for very long before she's up and down from the sofa but complains when I switch the tv off if she's not watching it. At toddler group she won't sit like the other kids and eat her snack. Again she'll but up and down all the time if I don't sit next to her. At the songs T the end she won't sit in the circle like the other kids but instead runs laps around the hall. It's so embarrassing and I find it hard to control her. It drives me nuts, I don't know what to do about it.

Part of me thinks it would help getting out the house more but I'm still recovering from a difficult birth. I don't feel confident taking her out because I can't run yet so worried about if she gets out of control then I can't physically deal with it. I also don't feel confident to drive as my head still feels spacey. Maybe she's bored of being in the house (I know I am) but what else can I do? I try to get out with her at least in the morning but come the afternoon af 3pm it's like she gives up trying and bad behaviour until bed. At the end of the day I'm glad she's gone to sleep and I feel so very sad about that because I love her and I miss my sweet little girl. I'm actually so upset about it all and I feel like I've broken her and the thought of not having her back is too much.

What am I supposed to do? My head is so messed up and I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. I just don't know how to handle this and ontop of looking after the baby. Please someone help me!

Oh you poor love! This is a relationship, it's not a problem you can fix. Everything takes time. Relax, keep showing her love and it'll all pull together eventually.

Two months in, they start to realise the change is permanent and it's a bit heartbreaking for them, they have big feelings and she's showing you hers. Try to make space for her to share her feelings instead of clamping down and making out that being upset in unacceptable.

In practical terms, nursery is a good idea as they get to go to a baby free place and let of steam, plus you're more able to manage behaviour when you're not in it 24/7.

I also found that getting out for air and exercise helped a fair bit, running around works off the be stress a bit.

It won't last forever!

@Dogtooth how am I supposed to make any more space for her feelings without letting her get away with murder?

I also can't take her out to run her around because physically I can't do it at the moment. I really wish I could take her to the park but its not an option at the moment.

I plan to put her in nursery when i get the free hours in January. I also read its not good to make huge changes 3 months after a new sibling. I don't want her to think I'm punishing her or rejecting her now DS is here. My mum does look after her 2 days a week and when she gets upset she asks to go to her house but I think that's because she gets to do what she wants there....

Hiya OP, hope I didn't cause annoyance rather than helping! By making space I suppose I mean in the crying, sorry for yourself part of a tantrum rather than the angry misbehaving part. I used to talk to DD about how it must be hard to get used to changes and it's a bit new for all of us etc. In the misbehaving bit you have to be firm!

I get you on the physical bit. Would a little trampoline in the garden help, or have you seen exercise videos like Cosmic Kids yoga on Youtube? Or doing a little assault course in the living room, jumping from cushion to cushion etc?

I think it also helps if possible to have a bit of a routine, so play - snack - bit of telly - activity of some sort - lunch - quiet time etc. Including a bit where she reliably gets 121 with you, maybe when DH comes home or just before bed?

What I was trying to get across is that it's an emotional situation that changes, a bit like after a break up - it seems impossible until one day it isn't. I do remember the days of a tantrumming toddler and a newborn and it was very hard, but we got through. Not sure if that's much help.

It's so so hard, I'm experiencing similar with my DD (almost 3), we have a 2 month old. It's absolutely survival mode over here and has been for the last 10 weeks.

There are some really good Instagram pages that I follow, and podcasts, that give great perspective on this type of situation. Look up Dr Becky and her podcast Good Inside.

Similar to what PP said, there might not be a "solution", your toddler may continue to push buttons for some time because a) toddler brain and b) big feelings about new sibling.

My most common phrase these days is "we had a hard time today. I love you so much and I know we're going to figure it out together."

Sometimes there's an "I'm sorry for yelling." if I lost my cool.

I think we just have to keep boundaries firmly without guilt, while also pouring into their love/power/attention cup whenever we can and just hang in there and continue to keep the relationship strong. I've taken to lying in bed with DD at bedtime (while DH watches the baby) and playing a game called "my magical place" where we each invent a magical place and say what we can see, hear, smell, taste and touch there. She loves it! I often ask what makes the characters she invents feel sad/mad/happy and it provides great insight into her emotional state (e.g. she has said "the dinosaurs feel sad when their mummy goes away and can't play"). It's our special time with lots of cuddles, relationship repair and calm fun.

It's still impossibly hard but eventually our babies will be less all-encompassing.

@Dogtooth not at all! Sorry if I came across that way, it was more frustration about how do I do it and not knowing how! Probably should have gone to bed earlier! That's really good advice re more structure to the day when we're in the house. I've just found it so hard juggling DD with zero attention span at the moment and the baby since he's not in a nap routine yet. My head is also all over the place but I will definitely give this some more attention. I've tried talking to her about how it's hard having a baby but she won't really talk about it. We also have a trampoline in the back garden and she usually absolutely loves it but recently won't go on, probably because I can't jump with her and she gets bored. She just doesn't seem herself at all in that respect. It's so sad....

@Endlesslaundry123 I'll look up that podcast thanks. Nice to know that someone else is feeling similar emotions and going through the same thing. I'm going to try your idea of "my magical place." That's so inventive and clever of you. DD loves playing with little animal figures and loves to role play with them but nothing insightful has come out of it even, mostly just things she's picked up from puffin rock or hey duggee...

I think I also got DD a few dolls and we'd play mummies a bit, it helped her process it all. And I made a big fuss of occasionally putting DD's needs first (eg 'No baby, you've got to wait this time because my big girl needs a drink' etc) and spelling out why the baby was needy (they can't move around or talk, but soon he will be able to, until then we have to help him).

Does she nap? Can you say it's quiet time for 20 mins with a timer set and she needs to stay in her room for a while with books or whatever, might help with stroppy afternoons? Sometimes they don't exactly need to sleep but having a break helps with overstimulation.

It's so tough, but will get better. I don't really have much advice but wonder if you can let things like her taking socks and shoes off at the group go? If you ignore it maybe it won't become a thing, I say this because mine will often take her shoes off at groups and I let her do it for a few weeks and then she stopped. Also with holding hands in the car park I used to tie a ribbon to the pushchair and she would hold onto her special ribbon whilst we walked. Also basics like asking her to do special big sister jobs choosing a nappy or a sleep suit etc for the baby to wear might help?

Oh and also with mine I find the afternoons can be emotional, the best thing for mine is some messy play. Yes there's a lot of mess to clean up but nothing engages them better

You have had some really good advice already. However, just check that no new foods have come her way recently. These might include, sweets, chocolate and even more dairy than she used to have. These things can have a gremlin effect.