Hi,
I was hoping to get some advice,
I was in an abusive relationship many years ago. I endured years of belittling, coercive control, financial control, isolation, threats, him attempting to seek custody of our first child when I tried to flee the situation. Long story short 7 years of abuse and control, 3 children later I said enough was enough. He told me he couldn’t leave as I was financially dependent on him - he had taken £15k out in my name. It was at the point he was saying ‘do you love me’ less than 2 minutes apart every moment we were together I was so degraded and worn down too. He wouldnt let me work anywhere but the family business. I wanted to be a nurse he told me I was too stupid and mental health was all lies it was people that didnt want to work so it was no career. I threw him out met someone else and followed my dreams did education from scratch and qualified.
However one eve a few months after we broke up my now husband was supposed to be coming over. He was running late. My ex had taken the kids out for dinner - I had let him have a very generous amount of contact. He had previously tried to force his hand down my trousers since the split so I was dubious about being alone around him. He had promised our eldest then 5 he would put him to bed, unbeknown to me. They arrived back and I wasn’t happy about this but I didnt want to disappoint my son and I said ok be quick take them up and I’ll sort anything out when you’re gone. He came downstairs I immediately went to lead him out when he grabbed me from behind pulled me to the sofa, forced down my bottoms and went to unbutton his jeans. I kicked him in the head and ran to the door opened it and he left immediately. My partner came home and I told him this. He was there the next morning when my ex came to take the children to school as usual. He hid upstairs and heard the conversation of him admitting his actions. He saw the kids once more which was a day when his girlfriend hadnt come to see him. He was frustrated and wanted to shoot off to the next county as he just had to be with her all the time. My eldest clung to his leg as he refused him a final hug. He became angry, picked my son up and flung him at my partner, my son was thrown in the air but luckily caught.
enough was enough we called the police. I told them everything. They arrested him and the next day after this I was granted a non molestation order. This was in regards to me not the children.
my eldest was very close to his dad and I said they could have contact as long as his girlfriend was present which was communicated by a third party. She said he no longer wanted contact and would be in contact when he did.
nearly a year passed and our youngest who was 11 months at the time of contact stopping, had no clue who he was, my middle son by this point I knew was Autistic which my ex said his child ‘wasn’t a spaz’ and my eldest was scared of him. When he stopped contact my solicitor wrote to him initially to say how important it was they kept routine. So back to being a year on I received a threatening letter from a ‘solicitor’ he knew but no letter head, I’m quite sure he produced this himself. This gave me 28 days to reinstate contact or he would take me to court. Funnily enough it arrived on day 28 due to postal delays. I explained to him this would need to be done through correct channels he said he was their dad he didn’t need to be watched. I explained the children didn’t want to see him so it would have to be through correct channels. He never followed this up
during his absence he continued bail for many months until the case was dropped due to lack of evidence therefore he wasn’t sent to court. However he had multiple arrests for domestic abuse and violence against me in the past.
for 7 years he has only sent a card on birthdays interaction wise. He has paid maintenance independently - although if this was through through CSA I would be getting more but I am happy with the amount we now get.
he has now messaged accusing me of stopping him seeing the children and saying I’m happy to take his money etc. i have tried for contact in the past and I have never said I don’t want there to be contact but I feel this needed supervision. At the time of the non mol childrens services said if there was contact still they would have had to step in. Although at that time they were satisfied the children were safe due to him stopping contact
this is over 7 years on now and although I have kept him up to date and only get ‘oh that’s good’ replies as such and informed him of school changes and sons diagnosis, he wants to see the children. He will not acknowledge our son has ASD with PDA traits (diagnosed). My son gets higher level of care DLA as meds close supervision as he runs off when he emotionally dysreguiates. He said he shouldnt have to go to court to see his own children and doesn’t want it over seen and if I deny that im stopping him from seeing his children
we don’t actually know this man anymore. Although in between I have been contacted by women that asked the truth as he has abused and controlled them. I only found out today - covertly, that he’s now married. I know where the family business is but we don’t even know where he lives! He expects to rock up and the kids just get in the car with him.
i am not willing to allow this I feel a contact centre would be needed although the children all say no, he said children under 10 aren’t allowed to make their own mind up regarding contact. This is tosh, in a family court at roughly 10 depending on maturity ect a child can have a say, but not final say. However he’s saying that as our youngest is 8 he should be forced to see him as he ‘pays’ for him.
i will not be letting him just turn up and take the children.
any advice is appreciated thank you x x