Post natal anxiety

[Disgruntledpelicanlady]

Not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting here - possibly looking for advice, possibly just venting I guess.

DD was born 8 weeks ago. She was 5 weeks early and an emergency c section due to missed severe pre eclampsia (Community midwifery team had repeatedly dismissed my concerns and it wasn't picked up until I was seriously ill and hospitalised). She struggled with her breathing and spent time in NICU on cpap and oxygen but only a few days. I was unable to see her for the first day as I was too ill and deemed not medically stable enough to leave the ward to visit her. After that I was on the postnatal ward and she was in NICU but I was able to visit her several times a day. Two days after we were discharged home she was readmitted with jaundice and feeding difficulties/weight loss. She was then admitted again at 3 weeks old due to an infection.

She is doing fine now (although remains small for her age - 0.2nd centile) and I am absolutely adoring everything about mum life. I was concerned about bonding with her after our tricky start but no issues and I adore her.

However I'm now massively struggling with anxiety around her. I'm fully aware it sounds mad (and is) but I feel that something bad is going to happen to her. She's too perfect and too nice and I wont be able to keep her. I've become obsessed with sids. I watch her breathe in her sleep and spend my time reading personal experiences of loss and research papers. It's not that I'm worried she'll die, it's that I feel like I just know it's going to happen. Today I have been crying and distraught that she's going to die.

Additionally I'm also finding myself obsessing about my own health and worrying about leaving her without a mum. I'm also having graphic nightmares where bad things happen to her e.g. being dropped down the stairs and being able to see in detail all the injuries caused by this.

I have a history of panic attacks and diagnosed OCD but until now this has all been well managed with coping strategies from previous therapy and low dose medication.

I am honestly so happy and content and I think that's where this is stemming from - it all feels too good to be true.

Practically I'm trying to take steps to manage this:

• contacted gp and waiting for phone call tomorrow

-purchased sleep breathing monitor to collect tomorrow (I know this won't help the anxiety but I'm hoping short term it'll help the sids concern)

• I have an appointment next week to debreif/reflect on the birth. (Our hospital offers this to all parents after difficult births)
• keeping busy and making the most of social/family support

Is there anything else I can do?
I don't want to let this ruin such a precious time.

Congratulations on your baby!

This does sound like post natal anxiety to me - huge well done for identifying that something is going on with your thought patterns and that it's affecting you. Perhaps it is related to your OCD as you suggest.

Brilliant you've already contacted your GP as it is absolutely treatable. Something I wish I'd realised sooner many years ago when I experienced similar. Medication and talking therapies can both help.

The only things I can think of to suggest are 1. Keep telling the truth. To your doctor to those around you and here if that helps. 2. Be kind to yourself. Take off the pressure of "ruining" this stage. You've been through such a lot, and you don't need to be perfect or smiling all the time to be an amazing mum. An amazing mum is one who takes care of themself too.

It helped me to know that there's a lot that's rational about the anxiety (it's evolutionary to want your baby safe) and hormones are part of it too, which can fade in time. But when it's affecting you to this degree you're absolutely right to speak up and get help.

Just wanted to offer you a big hug and solidarity. I have a lifelong anxiety disorder and it ramped up just as you are describing both during pregnancy and after all 3 of my births. I know exactly what you mean about 'knowing' with absolute certainty that something awful will happen and I spent hours and hours hunched over my laptop researching postpartum cancers, fatal genetic disorders, stillbirth, SIDS etc etc., even 'the big one' earthquakes (not in UK...). I remember my son failing his newborn hearing test. I managed to google myself to a news article that then convinced me this meant he was destined to die of SIDS. It is horrendous. And all of that is WITHOUT the traumatic birth experience you went through. It sounds like you are getting the right supports in place. For me, upping my antidepressants was key, and not allowing myself to be isolated for a long time e.g. getting out to baby groups or to the store, just to interact with other adults and distract myself from the anxiety spiral.

Perhaps your experience of being dismissed about your pre eclampsia concerns has fuelled your anxiety as well. Central to a lot of my health anxiety about myself or my children is realization that health professionals aren't always right. I find myself being hypervigilant to perceived threats, and this is always made worse when I have been through something stressful.

@namechange100kQ , those postpartum hormones are brutal.

I don't have special advise other than what your doing already.

I just want to say your not alone, my boy was born at 32+5 and spent 28 days in NICU. He's almost 9 months and I still worry constantly about his health.

@Disgruntledpelicanlady How did the call with the GP go?

Thank you for all the replies.
I think the fact I was repeatedly told I was OK when I was raising concern about the pre eclampsia symptoms has definitely contributed to my anxiety.

Gp decided I didn't need a phone call after all and sent me a 1 sentence email saying to double my dose of current medication. I would have much rather had an actual discussion and not sure I want to double the dose as there are a lot of unknowns around the medication and how much is transferred in breast milk and the effects of this. I feel like upping it would be counter productive as it would increase my anxiety around her health even further.

I have managed to arrange an appointment for Thursday with a local charity that provides family support and counselling after scbu stays

Well done and I'm sorry the GP didn't speak to you. I realise it all takes energy (particularly as getting hold of GPs has generally got harder), but if I can push again it could be worth it - by my reckoning you could be eligible to get support from the perinatal mental health team and I think waiting lists etc are usually lower with them than the general service. Good luck OP and keep speaking up.