Shy toddler

[Chiwi]

I'm struggling to know what is normal with my 2 year old (she is 2yrs 8 months so closer to 3 really).
For context; she is my first, now has a baby brother, she was a lockdown baby, she was a super early talker, but otherwise 'normal' milestone wise, she hasn't been to nursery, starting preschool imminently (I'm paying for the sessions prior to her 3 Yr funding as I'm worried about her socially).
I can have a fairly decent conversation with her, which I know is possible for some kids her age but not all. She talks all the time at home, non.stop!
She has become, in the last 6 months, increasingly shy but in her little personality this comes across to others as grumpy or rude. I'm doing my best to provide appropriate social experiences for her. If an unfamiliar adult talks to her she point blank ignores, sometimes will develop an angry face and look at the floor. I know this is because she is worried.

She also walks away from other children if they approach her or try to talk to her. When she warms up to older children or adults she is mostly fine, she very ocassionally will play with a quiet girl of the same age but takes hours to warm up. She is consistently fairly difficult with my mum, doesn't seem to like her, will ignore her or be a bit grumpy around her. My mum's not a natural with kids and due to lockdown and distance she hasn't really built a bond with her, I think my mum is difficult to get along with generally and that she expects my daughter to instantly love her because she's her grandparent. Also I think because her speech is good my mum expects too much from her understanding and behaviour wise.

Day to day with me she is bright, chatty, funny. I love her company, she can play by herself but does like attention from me. She isn't particularly hard work, follows instructions well and doesn't really have tantrums, she does get grumpy but can usually communicate why and will just huff if she doesn't get her own way.

I don't really know what I'm after except I guess is this normal and just her personality or something she will grow out of? I'm so sad about the prospect of her growing up without close friends.

She seems very different to other children her age (I don't have tons of experience with her age though) my friends kids of the same age are more socially confident perhaps. My mum keeps telling me the ignoring and the grumpiness is not normal and says I let her get away with ignoring people when they talk to her. But in my mind she is 2 and nervous, telling her off is hardly going to help. Am I wrong? Perhaps there is a problem I'm missing. Any thoughts?

Look up selective mutism... it may to you early to tell but def keep in mind for when she gets older...

My LO is 1 and a half so his speech isn't quite there yet but he is also very shy, refuses to speak to adults, takes ageeeees to warm up to other children. We have a very big extended family who if he sees regularly he is ok with but if he hasn't seen them for a week its back to square one. I try to take him to baby groups but if there are other adults near by he won't leave my side. It makes me so worried for when he starts preschool!

My boy has just turned 2 and is quite shy but very boisterous and chatty at home.

The more he sees family, particularly his cousins (circa 10/12yo) he comes out of his shell. He loves playing with them and following them around.

If she has not been cared for by someone else much, before she starts nursery could you perhaps get a fun babysitter to spend some time with her? Just to get her used to being away from you and coming out of her shell with someone? Will be a bit more low pressure than nursery as this was very daunting for my son.

Hey OP I'm no expert but I have two kids (one of whom is currently 2) and both have been or are quite shy at 2. I really don't think it's that unusual.

As you say, with your mum, she's being expected to have a bond with someone, an adult, she doesn't really know very well. And it's also pretty common for 2yos to not be wildly enthusiastic about other kids their age. I've seen toddlers literally refuse to go on seesaws at the playground because there's- shock horror- another kid on there!

When she starts at nursery and gets to the age where they all generally start enjoying playing with other kids- IME more like 3 and over- you'll probably start to see a difference. My daughter certainly blossomed at that point and even though I think her basic temperament is fairly reserved she is actually very sociable once she warms up. I can tell you though that social skills vary wildly even at the age she's now at (5/6). Some of her peers are very reluctant to speak to adults and pretty shy still.

I'm just remembering that when our DD was 2 I took her to see some old friends who she didn't know, in a house she'd never been in before. She literally wouldn't leave my lap, and my mates thought she was the quietest shyest kid ever. Fast forward the following year when she was just 4 and she barrelled in there and played enthusiastically with their kids and seemed like a totally different child! I really think you need to give them time and they'll come into their own.

My ds was really shy at that age with both adults and kids he didn’t know. He’s now 4 and still shy with strangers, but he made some lovely friends at nursery and has completely blossomed. It’s amazing for me to see him with his little friends now. Not all kids/people are going to be loud and confident - I’m not and DH isn’t - a different personality type doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

I have a child the same age. She is very chatty and extrovert at home, assertive in setting out how we should play, confident with adults she knows. She goes to nursery 3 days a week and is a bit more shy there - often looks to her keyworker for reassurance etc. And if I take her to an unfamiliar class or playgroup she will cling on to me as if she could never, ever let go and barely speak to anyone. So your experience doesn’t sound that unusual to me (and your mum’s expectations sound off).

When my little girl is huddling up in an unfamiliar place, I just say something like “oh I can see you are feeling a bit shy at the moment, we all feel shy sometimes. Let me know if you’d like to go and play, we can go together”. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I don’t want her to feel that being shy is a negative or she needs to change.

Thank you for all your replies. I read the first last night which terrified me and I logged out (my 8 month old is going through a sleep regression so I'm sleep deprived and not rational in the evenings).

I'm totally fine with her not being an extrovert, if she's shy and quiet with a few good friends that's all good in my book. I want her to be happy. Her dad was a shy kid, I very much wasn't.

She is starting preschool 3 hours a week soon, just 1 morning, and we've been together and next week I leave her for 1 hour on her own. She did talk to her key worker on our visit, but no one else. I do feel reassured that this is probably just her personality and not necessarily a problem, like I said, if she grows out of it or doesn't I just want her to be happy.

My mum and a few other had just made me doubt myself.

Hi OP

Could have written this myself about my mum and her relationship with my DD who is 2!

I think preschool will help her massively and you are doing the right thing - exposure to different social situations is good and sometimes its ok for her to be in an uncomfortable situation because that is how she will learn.

I myself find myself comparing my DD to other boisterous children but I know she is sensitive and kind and funny and hopefully isnt going to grow up as an annoying in your face person...!

My DS is just turned 3 and I recognise a lot of what you've said. I do think it's a personality thing. My DH and I are both introverts and pretty quiet people so it's not a surprise that he's like that too. I just keep trying to build his confidence and also not tell him off if he's quiet/doesn't say anything in some circumstances.

Mine are 2 years 9 months and they'll talk to bloody anyone. Except they don't talk much in identifiable words, and even they have turned skirt clutchy around certain people, hiding behind me then pushing me at the stranger so they can get closer. I just tend to pick them up, say "say Hi to Bob", and hold them so they're reassured. If they don't answer (or given they'll answer in Twin not English) I apologise and say they're a bit shy. I wouldn't over think it beyond that.

My DS is 4.5 and just started school. I could have written this. He is super shy/nervous around people even those that he knows. He’s completely comfortable in our home as he should be but when out and about if another child was to come up to him in a park he wouldn’t like it and I’d say that’s only improved in the last 6 months?
He attended nursery since 2 years old to try and socialise him and that was his safe place. The staff assured me he was super chatty there etc but whenever I picked him up he would never once say goodbye to the staff never ever no matter how much I tried.

starting school has set him back again in terms of being shy and nervous but I’m hoping it’ll settle. I just think he’s never going to be the kid at the front of the class etc and I’m okay with that. I have worried a lot about it In the past but in all honesty me and his dad are not very loud confident people and never have been so I’m sure it follows suit.

hopefully nursery will help her out a little but I would try not to worry 🙂

My nearly 3 year old is similar, always been shy and doesn't like new people. She has never ever in her life smiled at a stranger -- she will just stare at them in consternation so. However once she warms up she's got great social skills. She's been at nursery for a year now and she's very popular because she doesn't get in other kid's faces or boss them around. She's confident enough to do her own thing and that has made her a bit of a leader in the class. Keep encouraging her to listen to her feelings land be herself. She doesn't need to change for anyone and she'll surely warm up and make friends once she's in a regular group environment. On her own terms.

Sorry for all the typos!

I think 1 morning a week for a shy toddler is a bad idea tbh OP, when I worked at a nursery we wouldn't allow it as it just doesn't give them chance to settle properly or make friends when there is so long between sessions. I'd up it to at least two if not 3 - although maybe money doesn't allow?

I strongly agree with this, two or three sessions would be better for her in terms of getting to know the staff and children well and feeling comfortable enough to chat and join in.

Yeah I wanted 2 mornings but they only had space for 1 until December then its 3 in January. Its not my ideal but having been to the place and met the staff they've assured me it will be fine this way.
She is going to do Tuesday mornings there and then Wednesday mornings at nanny and grandads (in laws), who she knows well but I do think a regular time there will be good for her. But I do take on board what you're saying about 1 morning.