When does it get easier

[Krimson]

I am mum to a four month old who on paper is the perfect baby apart from slightly disrupted sleep. But my god I find motherhood hard. The sheer relentless, 24 hour nature and no switching off. I've cried tears today yet I still have to carry on. I feel like I wish my time away for when he is older and I can sleep more, lie in bed and he is more independent. Some days I just want to walk out the door and not come back and give him to someone else.

I do all the right things, go to baby groups, regular support from partner, time to myself and visits from health visitors. But its not enough, I have no joy in my life and desperately want my old life back

I hear you!

It does get easier. It is relentless. I feel your pain even though mine are now 18 +

I went back to work to get a break ! You lose all sense of yourself. But they get older and easier.

Hang in there.

It will get easier!
I must admit I loved the baby phase, but yes, it's life changing and there is no way out. Personally I found hardest the toddler years, but now he's almost 4 life is getting easier by the day. I never thought I would have time for myself ever again, but for the first time in years I manage to wear polish on my nails most weeks and I even reading books!

Do you have family around you can give the baby to for few hours a couple of times a week to have a break? Or will you consider sending him to a nursery even for few short sessions?

About three years old IME.
I lasted four months (five with DC 2) and went back to work pt. Immediately felt 100% better. 20 years on never a single regret.

I've worked in childcare for a number of years and have 3 children (2 adult) in my experience it goes like this -

Worst-
13-16
16-18
11-13
2-3
0-2
4-5
5-10
Best

Thank you, I do get support from family and get time to myself but I'm always anxious as I know it's temporary. It's just the feeling of exhaustion I want to go away.

I feel sad too as i always wanted a big family but know I couldn't go through this again. Time isn't on my side either as I'm 35 and even if I wanted another one in a few years I'd feel it would be too late and my parents would be early 70s and too old to help out. Then I feel sad my baby will be an only child. Just a big mixture of emotions

Are you taking care of yourself OP?

I have a 5mo and feel your pain. The exhaustion is overwhelming but I've found the days when I make sure I eat enough, stay hydrated, get fresh air, and interact with other adults, are much better. The time goes quicker too (because gosh the days can be long with a young baby).

Also having a partner who is hands on at the weekend really helps with the mental load, and gives me something to hold onto during the week if I'm having a particularly hard time.

But its not enough, I have no joy in my life and desperately want my old life back

I felt like this a lot in the first year, especially the first 6 months. I thought the promise of motherhood had been one huge lie. All I can say is, its totally fine now. In fact, it’s much better than fine. It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly, my mindset has turned from one of despair, to acceptance to enjoyment. Going back to work part time and DS becoming a toddler (so both circa 1 year old) have probably been the biggest turning points. I think toddlers get a bad rep - I really flipping love mine and I’ll be so sad when it’s over. I find him exponentially easier than when he was a baby.

Should add, DS is only 2.5, so it really hasn’t been that long since the days when all I felt was despair. Wouldn’t be much use me saying to you that I enjoy it now he’s 40 or something!

It sounds to me that its not so much the workload (given how well baby sleeps etc) but the shock to the system of having a baby.

The life adjustment stuff will sort itself out as it becomes your new normal.

In terms of workload, I found it got harder before it got easier (toddlers give you no breathing space at all) but most aspects got easier from 3+.

It just changes tbh. They go through waves of difficulty, and it doesn't stay the same for long. One week food throwing will drive you to despair, the next week that might be fine, but they suddenly start waking more. Then that solves but they've worked out how to take their nappy off after a poo... And some of those challenges youll find harder than others, and sometimes youll get lots at once, and other times things will feel calm for a few weeks.

You'll find your groove!

Thank you all, it does help to know it gets easier though when I'm in the thick of it now it feels like this stage will go on forever. I didn't expect to feel more exhausted and anxious four months in and thought by now I'd be much more used to my new life.

When my lo got to 7/8 months, she was just such a babe that I loved being with her and it made everything so much nicer. Before that I was totally where you are. I also went back to work at the same time as my partner took split leave with me, and it really helped us

I've got a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old. I actually think this phase that you and I are both in - sort of halfway through mat leave - is the worst bit. You have been sleep deprived for ages, the novelty of not working has worn off and it's lather rinse repeat the same shit day in day out for not very much reward. If you're lucky the baby will smile at you.

However .... it gets better, as everyone else has said. I found 12-18 months with my first baby absolutely magical and now she's 3.5 it's getting noticeably easier each week.

It's a season in our lives and it passes quicker than you think. Don't beat yourself up for not enjoying it. Motherhood is often only just tolerable and pushes you to your limits mentally. One day you'll stride out of the house with just a handbag, you'll drink a coffee in peace, you'll sleep through the night every night. Keep the faith x

It gets better when you go back to work! Get your partner to take SPL and get yourself back to your normal life a little bit.

In my opinion it got a tiny bit easier at 3 months, then a bit easier again at weaning/6months, then a lot easier when walking at 1ish (I’d also settled back at work) then now he’s 18months old and honestly it’s tiring but I bloody love it. I can deal with the tantrums as he sleeps well and I get time away from him at work so it’s less relentless. He also just has one decent nap at lunch now so it’s easier to plan the day and I get some time to myself when I am with him.
i honestly could of written your post when he was 4 months, I was done with parenting! It’ll get much easier. If you’re craving independence I’d just slowly work on nap routine as time goes on, it’ll give you some set chunks of time to recharge. And don’t try and get stuff done during naps, I made that mistake early on!

You are in the worst bit. I hated nearly every moment of having a baby but at 4 months they have an awful sleep regression too and it's the absolute pits. I gets a tiny bit easier every day from now on. The trend is upwards, I promise! 10 months wS when I started to get more back from her and things got a lot brighter. Going back to work was fantastic for me and I should have done it sooner instead of waiting a year because I felt I had to. My daughter is now 2.5 and way easier than when she was a baby. It's getting better all the time too, although we will never have another!

Getting out of the house together as much as we can has always been a big help too. Occupies both of us and cheers us up.

It can take some time adjusting to your new life. Some time between 6 and 12 months things should start feeling normal as you settle into it more. The early years has many ups and downs though. There will be phases you will love and phases you will hate over the next 4 years. I’m in the thick of having a 16 month old and a 3 year old and sometimes I can’t wait until they’re both school age and other days where I don’t want them to grow at all. I also have a 19 year old so I’ve been through every single childhood year before.

Motherhood is a rollercoaster for sure and a huge life change but you will get used to it and it will feel like normal life again eventually.

My lg is coming up to 8 months old and I'm starting to feel an 'easing'. Sleeping a bit better since weaning started, not being so sick, starting to learn to crawl and babble more. More interesting and interested in everything. Second child so I know things will get easier and harder in seasons. Was really tough the first time around tho - but honestly it will keep changing, and sometimes it will be easier and sometimes it will be harder. Hang in there, you are doing great x

You have repeatedly mentioned feeling anxious, are you having any mental health support/treatment to help with this? Constant anxiety really tires out your body and if you're in fight or flight all the time with adrenaline pumping...you will feel soooo tired. I know, I've been there, recently had a course of NHS CBT which has helped loads. I do still feel tired as I have two young kids and the baby wakes very early in the morning and often still wakes in the night, and I often have to work or do housework until late at night BUT I am definitely much less tired since my anxiety has lessened.

Also echoing those saying toddlers are more fun and easier than babies. My eldest is still a tricky child tbh - she's 4 - but she just cried all the time as a baby which was so stressful and difficult. I started feeling better when I returned to work at 9 months as a few others have said and I felt she became more enjoyable and less difficult around the same time. My second is 10 mo and I will be returning to work in a few weeks, and though he's not been too difficult a baby, still feel likewise around the 9 month mark he has become easier and more fun.

For me I really turned a corner at 10 months (when sleep improved). Hang in there, it's hard