How did you keep a healthy relationship during early parenthood?

[muminthesunshine]

Me and my boyf have our first babygirl due any day.

We have a strong, loving relationship but I am concerned about parenthood putting strain on us, as it has for so many of my friends.

I'm interested to know your top tips and experience of how you kept/ keep your relationship healthy and thriving in early parenthood?

Don't get into a tiredness competition, no one wins

You are both learning how to look after your child, you'll both make mistakes, your way isn't right, his way isn't right.

Maybe not so much in the early days, but certainly after a while you need equal (ish) leisure or down time. Do not spend your leisure time doing housework (I fell into the trap of this!)

You need your own separate box sets. No one is allowed to race through joint TV series just because they're up in the night. That way leads to divorce.

Following for tips!

Someone once said to me having a child is like throwing a grenade into a relationship, I think it's reassuring to know it puts a strain on all relationships, it's a huge transition.

I would say I have learnt it is important to TRY not to become resentful, or do a tit-for-tat thing, you're a team

Talk

Support each other

Try to make time for each other

I mean, just do the best you can. If you're in a good place now then that's a wonderful way to start the journey.

Agree to forget and let go any angry words/exchanges between the two of you when you're tired. It will happen, it's a given, but just agree not to take anything to heart and to move on after 👍🏼

@Iheartmykyndle This is amazing advice.... especially the one about competing with who's the most tired.... very wise words!!!

How old are your children? X

@RedRobyn2021 This is all so true. Thankyou!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

Me too! This topic plays on my mind...expecting our baby any day.

Not there yet but the words I've taken to heart is remember to face any problem as you and them against the problem, not you Vs them.

@GlitteryGreen I’m 6 months in and definitely feeling a bit of impact from lack of quality time together. You can feel like a tag team sometimes. If one of you is with the baby, the other is cleaning/cooking/showering/sleeping/working etc.

Get a cleaner if you can afford it! Time together, including parenting together, is more important than managing the cleaning yourselves.

Go over household duties and divvy it up in a way where everyone knows what is expected of them and so one doesn’t do more than the other. This avoids resentment in the long run. And lower your expectations when DH does it. Lol. Then when the kids are older you can offload them as chores.

Same with looking after DC. School runs, getting ready in the morning, bath time, bedtime, GP appointments, school shopping, etc. you should have a discussion on who can manage to do what so it’s fair.

Finances: Have separate bank accounts and one for joint expenses. Get a spreadsheet going and talk about your finances. Go over expenses, savings and financial goals. It’s best to be on the same page on this so you don’t fight about money.

If you can afford to outsource things so it makes life easier then do it: cleaner, takeaway every now and then, etc..

Make sure you have time for yourself and your DP as well.

Make time for date night. even if it’s after the DC go to bed and you are watching a movie on TV.

Make a pact to try and be forgiving towards one another when you are both lacking sleep and are irritable.

Work to make sure the communication is strong in your relationship. If issues arise, don't guess and don't assume. Just talk it out.

DH and i have been married 6 years and together for 8. We have 2 DC (4 and 1) and as much as we love them they do wear us out. Juggling marriage, careers, kids and personal goals is hard but it's worth it.

No competitive tiredness. Remember you’re a team, chose each other over anyone else and you’re adding a baby to your family, not forgetting everything else because you have a baby. Do nice things for each other. Don’t assume your way is the only way. Ask for what you need, don’t expect either one of you to be a mind reader. Resentment is the killer so try and avoid it.

FWIW I fell in love with DH all over again when we had DD, our marriage is even happier and stronger for having her and we haven’t had any shit times - she’s 3. We see bits of each other we love in her, we laugh every day, we each appreciate what the other brings to our family, I respect and admire him enormously as a father and he says he feels the same.

While it’s normal for things to take a while to settle in it’s not inevitable you’ll struggle either as parents or in your relationship. If you have decent communication you’ll be fine.

@PoTayToes80 We actually live in a 1-bed flat so a cleaner might be a bit overkill 😂....would totally still love one though.

Yes this is what I'm worried about, DP and I currently go out a lot and do a lot of things together - even just dinner out or cinema - and I'm definitely worried about how tied to home we're going to be.

Definitely echo a cleaner if it's possible, and don't slip into roles while on mat leave if you're not willing for them to become entrenched forever. This way resentment lies and that's a killer.

If possible each do some child care and some work, that way you understand the opposite perspective.

I went back to work when the DC were small and DH is a teacher so had them over the holidays and did most of the pick ups from childminder etc.

It really helped us appreciate the others perspective.

Also eat together in the evening if you can, that used to be our time together as a couple and was much needed.

And yes, as others have said give each other some slack and leave an argument if you can. Mostly when the DC are little it is tiredness causing the argument and not an actual real issue which needs to be resolved.

Good luck OP, having DC is great fun on the whole!

Have a couple's meeting once a week at a set time to check in with one another.

It will be hard, don't forget to listen to one another's perspective.