Help with 3yo behaviour

[pancakes222]

Please help with ideas of how to discipline my 3 year old. I appreciate these are probably just usual 3 year old problems but feel completely out of control and I'm losing any sense of my parenting morals in desperation. I know that my behaviour towards the kids is exacerbating the problem but I can't see the wood for the trees.

Issues we have are just the complete not listening, not stopping if we say stop whether that's to stop where he's going or stop a behaviour. He is also getting more and more violent and constantly hitting or biting his big sister. He has a thing for pirates and so anything he gets hold of becomes a sword for hitting. If he doesn't get his own way he will scream or just do it anyway. He's starting biting at preschool too.

I have tried sitting with him and explaining things calmly with him. I have tried counting to 3. We have resorted to putting in the corner which I didn't previously like the idea of. I just end up shouting and it gets louder and louder until I am screaming at the top of my voice which leaves me ashamed and guilty. When we talk things through he seems to understand and apologies but things never change.

I hate being the way I am with him. In the bath tonight he kept throwing water over his sister with her crying and I asked him not to saying look how upset shes getting/you wouldn't like this and he didn't stop so I end up getting louder and louder and eventually just took the bucket out his hand and threw it across the room in anger. This is not a good role model.

My frustration and anger is getting the better of me and I can hear my 7 year old mimicking me in the way shes now shouting at him. It's just all going wrong and I'm not enjoying them anymore.

Please help me reset and find a better way to manage them

It's so difficult having to learn what will work for your son. The journey through that process can feel like failure!! But you will eventually get there. I had quite a journey with my son too but for him I've found natural consequences work best. So the bath scenario would be play nicely in the bath or you will have to get out. I usually give a final warning in a question like would you like to get out the bath? Then they say no and you say play nicely. If they don't then you follow through and take them out. The same with if he is hitting using anything, you either play with that nicely or I will have to take it away to keep everyone safe.

I don't try to talk it through or teach in the moment because he most definitely is not listening and taking it in and I just get more frustrated and feel like I need to take it up a level to get him to listen. Instead I just say we will talk about this later. When later comes (when everyone is regulated) I talk about what happened, what he thinks should happen instead, what we can do to make this situation better. If it's a repeated issue (like the other day he knows he needs to stop when I say but he didn't and went out of sight) then I will again tell him I need to think about this and talk with you later. Because in the moment I can feel a lot of anger inside and it's not a good time for me to teach! When I'm calmed down if I can't think of a natural consequence I will ask him what he thinks should happen. He's 4 and he decided he shouldn't have TV the rest of the day and shouldn't play out with his friends. I told him that's a good idea and he can try again tomorrow to be able to do those things.

I've found any punishments like sitting in corner/step etc just don't work for my son. He just tries to move away repeatedly laughing. It's exhausting trying to keep him there and he doesn't learn a thing because he's having a great time.

Forgive yourself for the past shouting, realise it's not working and try and work to realise your own triggers. I've realised when I'm angry my teeth clench so I try to calm down when I recognise that happening. It's hard. Really hard. I still make mistakes but I'm trying and I think that's what matters.

Firstly, you want to change the vibe in the house/your relationship so make an effort to always praise more than you punish/criticise. If behaviour is bad this can mean you need to praise constantly and for ridiculous things. But EVERY time he does listen or he is being calm or kind or playing well or does anything helpful heap the praise on. So, with the bath example if there was 20 seconds of.nice okay before he started throwing water at his sister, you go straight for 'oh well done DS on you're playing so nicely, I love the way you're using the bucket to our the water, good job. Maybe we can wash the bath toys'. Praise and engage with him whenever possible.

Also, try and phrase things positively rather than negatively (this is really hard to do!), so with the bath example it would be 'DS, put the bucket down please' or 'DS, pour the water this way please'. Instead of constantly telling him what NOT to do, tell him what he SHOULD do instead.

With the negative behaviour, stay calm, keep attention to a minimum, give clear consequences (natural consequences are best where possible) and follow through swifty and reliably. With the bath example it would go:

DS put the bucket down please.

DS if you pour the water onto DD again I'm going to have to take the bucket away OR DS pour the water this way or I'll take.you of the bath.

As soon as he does it again the bucket is removed OR he is removed.

You give one warning and then act immediately.

Thank you both. That's a really good reminder to try and teach when calm and I will definitely try and make sure I act on what I say and be more positive.

Thank you

I agree it's a warning then action.

If you feel your going to loose your blob, walk away.
Granted you can't from the bathroom but you would remove him from the situation and take a deep breath.

My 3 yo can be challenging some days and I've found if I'm abit stern with him and put a serious voice on when saying no don't do that he stops. He then actually asks for a cuddle which I think is his way of saying sorry.

It does get easier, I think 3 is prime age for testing parents.

Regarding the biting at school, is he doing this in temper? Are they giving you support to handle it?