Hi, I don't really know where to start. I'm 42 and pregnant with my second child which was very much wanted and fought for (by me, husband wasn't sure but is very happy now I'm pregnant) and is an IVF pregnancy. My son is 5 and at school and was also ivf (they are from the same round).
I didn't properly go back to work in between as I work as a supply teacher and so can dip in and out. Before that my teaching career was in tatters after several bad experiences with head teachers.
We have no help or support. Both of my parents have died, my mum died the most recently, when I was around 34. She was my best friend, my campion and cheerleader. I rang her every day and I still am lonely without her and miss her so much.
My mother in law is weird, very dismissive of any of my mental health problems, dismissive when I had a huge PPH with the birth of my son. She's decided she's done in life really and just wants to sit at home, which is fine but it leaves me with no mum.
I've lost all of my friends, through moving around too much, through me moaning probably. I do have friends to meet from time to time but no one close.
Recently, with this pregnancy I had a few heavy bleeds (subchorionic haematoma) I was on bed rest for about 5 weeks. No one visited me. I told a mum friend I'd love a cuppa with her but she ignored it, in fact she's not once asked me how I am since the day I had a heavy bleed (before that she'd been quite supportive while I did ivf although I never put any pressure on her to do so).
I've reached out to a few people saying I'd love to meet up but they just made excuses or ignored it.
In summary, I'm lonely, desperately lonely. My career is just dead. I tried to start a freelancing business but so far I've only one client. I feel like a failure. That I drive people away. I'm exhausted, sad, I just hate the way I feel. The worse I feel the harder it is to start again or try with new friends.
I used to be outgoing, easily made friends, had loads going on, was ambitious but I'm just a washed up sad woman. Now I'm pregnant and so happy to be but I can't see how I'm going to get out of this feeling. I want some friends to drink wine with, to laugh about life, someone that gives a shit if I'm struggling.
I argue with my husband a lot too, we have no money and everything is just hard.
I can't see a way out. Thank you for reading, any advice would be gratefully accepted.