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Completely lost myself

1 reply

SBSparkles · 03/09/2022 16:38

Hi, I don't really know where to start. I'm 42 and pregnant with my second child which was very much wanted and fought for (by me, husband wasn't sure but is very happy now I'm pregnant) and is an IVF pregnancy. My son is 5 and at school and was also ivf (they are from the same round).

I didn't properly go back to work in between as I work as a supply teacher and so can dip in and out. Before that my teaching career was in tatters after several bad experiences with head teachers.

We have no help or support. Both of my parents have died, my mum died the most recently, when I was around 34. She was my best friend, my campion and cheerleader. I rang her every day and I still am lonely without her and miss her so much.

My mother in law is weird, very dismissive of any of my mental health problems, dismissive when I had a huge PPH with the birth of my son. She's decided she's done in life really and just wants to sit at home, which is fine but it leaves me with no mum.

I've lost all of my friends, through moving around too much, through me moaning probably. I do have friends to meet from time to time but no one close.

Recently, with this pregnancy I had a few heavy bleeds (subchorionic haematoma) I was on bed rest for about 5 weeks. No one visited me. I told a mum friend I'd love a cuppa with her but she ignored it, in fact she's not once asked me how I am since the day I had a heavy bleed (before that she'd been quite supportive while I did ivf although I never put any pressure on her to do so).

I've reached out to a few people saying I'd love to meet up but they just made excuses or ignored it.

In summary, I'm lonely, desperately lonely. My career is just dead. I tried to start a freelancing business but so far I've only one client. I feel like a failure. That I drive people away. I'm exhausted, sad, I just hate the way I feel. The worse I feel the harder it is to start again or try with new friends.

I used to be outgoing, easily made friends, had loads going on, was ambitious but I'm just a washed up sad woman. Now I'm pregnant and so happy to be but I can't see how I'm going to get out of this feeling. I want some friends to drink wine with, to laugh about life, someone that gives a shit if I'm struggling.

I argue with my husband a lot too, we have no money and everything is just hard.

I can't see a way out. Thank you for reading, any advice would be gratefully accepted.

OP posts:
stillsmilingtoday · 03/09/2022 17:06

Ohhhh I'm so sorry to hear it, couldn't read your post and run. Things will get better! Congratulations on your pregnancy, very exciting, but also perhaps all of the hormones probably aren't helping you feel great right now?
I've often felt somewhat like you, with the loneliness, having moved around quite a bit and lost a few friends along the way. The only way forward is really with baby steps towards making new friends, new networks, etc. It takes time but it will work whether through new activities that you like the look of, etc or maybe through your kids?

The really good news is that it's very easy to meet people through being pregnant / a new mum, etc. Are there any ante-natal groups that you can join? NCT or the like? Pregnant mama yoga classes? I found an NCT like group the best although it was quite expensive because you're thrust into a group and kind of have access to that group automatically (vs pregnancy yoga etc where you have to proactively make new buddies which can feel intimidating etc). I even joined a couple of baby groups when I moved to a new area to give myself more connections!

There is also something around being honest with yourself and how people view you and holding back on the things you've identified that put people off when you meet new people eg complaining, if that's actually what's happened and it's not just you being hard on yourself because you're down. You might feel like you're not being authentic with people to start with but that's probably better than putting people off! And you might feel less like complaining as you get more support through growing friendships.

I'm sorry about your Mum. It sounds like she was wonderful, it must be hard to have lost such a support. Good luck with everything xx

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