I’m SO angry

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I have 2 DD 6&1. I’m not sure when it started but when something doesn’t go right I feel literally rage and I have to work really hard to control myself. Sometimes I just burst into tears because I don’t want the anger to come out another way. I don’t hit my children but I do get thoughts in my head like “I could really smash the shit out of something”. DD6 was meant to be putting socks on but instead she’s drawn all over her sister (DD1) with several different markers. It took everything in me not to smack her and that scared me, I did end up man handling her into a corner to sit down whilst I cleaned up. I’m still fuming now and I know it’s an over reaction but I can’t seem to come down. I know there will some that will just try to dig in the knife in but I’m trying to be as honest as possible because I hate the way I am. Sometimes I wish I could just run away

Firstly, do you have a partner and are they pulling their weight? This could be you feeling overwhelmed and under-supported.

Secondly, it could be a sign of PND or it could be hormonal so maybe worth an appointment with your GP. See if you can pinpoint any pattern to the times it occurs. (And please don't worry that they will try to have your children taken away or something, that does not happen to well-meaning parents who are seeking help).

Thirdly, this happens to many women and it's really, really hard. Well done for recognising it and taking action to try and enjoy life again. Good luck!

You have my understanding OP, it sounds like you're having a really tough time.
Remember we can't often help how we feel, but we can do something about the way we act and it sounds like you haven't actually done anything wrong.
I do find I get resentful and lose patience more easily when I'm stressed. My advice would be to try and find the source of that stress, and try and think how you can minimise that or at least give yourself a break. This for example might mean to try and get someone to look after your kids for a little while, while you go and do something for yourself that you enjoy, even if it is just a nap.
Some forms of exercise might also help unloading this tension (depending on whether you're up for it, otherwise it's just another chore that adds to the stress) .

What's your general situation? Do you work, have childcare for the 1yo, have a partner who helps out or works long hours, have family nearby or friends you see etc?

I think most parents feel the way you feel occasionally, but it's not something you talk about much. For me, I'm much more likely to feel angry when I also feel trapped and unable to take control of the situation (hello, lockdown!) Having some time for myself, time away from the house and kids and plenty of fresh air makes a big difference.

You can also think things through a bit - when kids do annoying stuff it's annoying because you have to clean up etc. But they are also just doing things that are in the normal range of what kids get up to. It's natural for them to play up and being angry about it - you might as well as angry with a dog for wagging its tail!

It also makes a difference to me to notice the signs of beginning to feel angry then breathing deeply, leaving the room, sitting back etc - whatever is needed to avoid that switch flicking.

The only thing I'd judge you for is leaving markers within reach of kids, that's asking for a moustache on a sibling :)

I won’t derail the thread with my story, but it involved an intense period in my life when a much -loved, elderly, very dependent relative was living with us. I occasionally would get so wound up with all the various and conflicting demands on me that I felt like screaming or smashing something. My solution was to get a large citrus fruit - grapefruit/orange - and hurl it on the patio with all my force. I know it sounds a bit extreme, but it was an incredibly satisfying release of tension, didn’t upset anyone and the mess was outside and easily cleared up!

I have punched pillows and mattresses quite a few times when dealing with tricky moments. Better than smacking the offending three year old - but I did once smack a leg when DSaged 3 pulled my hair while trying to avoid going in his car seat. Not my best moment but I think he’s forgiven me - he’s now 22.
You need a break and some time to chill.

And the six year does need a telling off for penning on the one year old. There is nothing wrong with her seeing you cross - but not angry. Take yourself into your bedroom and punch a pillow - breathe deeply and get some time to yourself tonight.

I've read that post partum rage is very common. You're not a terrible mother for feeling anger and it's good that you're acknowledging how you feel. It might be worth speaking to your GP about it and perhaps anger management would be useful for you. You're not the only one feeling this way.

I had this. For me it was entirely hormonal and the contraception pill has sorted that. I still get irritated by children at times and I can certainly feel the need for a break at the end of a long summer holidays but this is entirely different to the red mist I was suffering from before.

Thank you everyone, I have bitten the bullet and made an appointment with the GP.

Those asking for background, I gave up work to be a stay at home parent and husband is out for work 7.30am-6pm. I do feel like I do everything but can’t see how that can be helped because I’m here all day and husband isn’t. Doesn’t stop me feeling resentful though 😕another unreasonable emotion…

Not unreasonable at all - resentment and rage can be perfectly reasonable human responses to the huge changes in both your hormone levels and living circumstances since having children, and also to the relentless childcare responsibilities you now have (no matter how wanted and loved your children are!).

Well done for contacting your GP, and I hope they are helpful.

I think you are being really hard on yourself. It is not unreasonable to have feelings. Ok, you are struggling with yours right now, but I think you need outlets and coping strategies rather than beating yourself up for having emotional responses in the first place.

Do you get time to yourself? Do you have any physical release for built up energy? Can your partner give you more personal space, do more life admin or lighten your load.

When we are under stress, our zone of tolerance is much smaller. I think some relaxation and self care is a priority to widen yours out. Kids can be very frustrating, you need as much tolerance as possible!! Building tolerance starts with yourself.

I have this OP. I went on anti depressants towards the end of 2019 after my second baby was born earlier that year, as I was losing it at then 3 year old DS all the time, and I was so angry and irritable all the time.

I reduced my dose about a year later as I was feeling so much better, even with the lockdowns (although they were a struggle believe me!). I tapered slowly, on a very low maintenance dose for a while, before finally coming off them altogether earlier this year.

I’ve found my rage returning and these summer holidays it’s been at its worst, I’ve lost it so many times with now 6 year old DS. He’s a tricky child, and I am starting to realise maybe I need a little boost just to help me parent him. I’m going to see how I am once he’s back at school and I’m back into an exercise routine (running has been crucial for my MH) but I’m seriously tempted to go back on the medication. DH has also really noticed my increased irritability and agrees.

Parenting is so hard, and I think some of us just don’t have the patience to not lose it at times. I’ve never hurt my DS, although when he was 3, back in 2019 I did once smack the back of his head but it wasn’t hard. I obviously felt dreadful, and haven’t done it since, but over the last couple of months I have really shouted at him, right in his face, pointing, and also grabbed his arms once. So I know I need to do something about it - he’s difficult, but I’m the adult.

Hugs to you.

Sorry to skip most of your post but one tiny practical tip I have is get the child to help with the cleanup rather than moving them away and doing it yourself.
I found it's like magic for my angry feelings because my toddler actually seems quite happy to clean up his mess half the time. Perhaps he realises I'm annoyed and wants to repair the situation. Take care and good luck.