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Parenting

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Original poster

Absent father wants contact after 11 years

20 replies

Jazzyn · 01/09/2022 09:50

My daughter's father wanted nothing to do with us when I became pregnant. Now 11 years later , out of the blue, he wants to get to know his child. How would I go about this? My daughter is autistic (low needs) and suffers with anxiety. This will be huge and really hard for her. I'm also worried that he may not see this through or changes his mind after I start the process. Has/is anyone else in a similar situation? I'm not sure where to start. I know he has rights but worried how it will affect my daughter . Is it best to works things out between us?

OP posts:

AlternativelyWired · 01/09/2022 10:08

Is he on the birth certificate? Does your daughter know anything about him?

Original poster

Jazzyn · 01/09/2022 10:41

He's not on the birth certificate as he left when I was about 4 months pregnant. She knows nothing about him. She last asked questions about 2 years ago

OP posts:

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 10:48

Well personally I would leave him to his court application.. If anything it stall things until dd is a bit older when most definitely her wishes and feelings will be heard. Does he pay Cms? No need for him to be on the bc for that.

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AlternativelyWired · 01/09/2022 11:02

Ds's dad isn't on the birth certificate as was his choice and he didn't want anything to do with ds. He does pay maintenance and that was easy. Ds has seen photos of his dad and I've told him positive happy stories about our time together, shared favourite music and our songs etc so he has a sense of who his dad is. I've not told him anything negative hard as that is. When he is older if he wants to get in touch with his dad then he can. For now he shows no interest. I have a little memory box of things relating to his dad like the poetry he wrote and concert tickets, photos etc.

NotLactoseFree · 01/09/2022 11:05

I think this is really really hard. Whatever you do, it has to be done slowly and carefully so I'd be starting perhaps with asking to meet him or speak on the phone without your DD so you can really discuss what it is he wants and expects.

Then you can think about what you think is reasonable and what can be manageable.

But I don't think he has any right.s Rights are all for the child. So if you determine that his involvement will NOT be helpful, I'd be inclined to tell him to go to court.

Original poster

Jazzyn · 01/09/2022 12:48

Thank you all for taking time to respond.
He has never paid any maintenance. We are communicating through text messages until my daughter goes back to school. He has said he wants to help financially and given a figure he can pay but no mention when this will start. I am planning a phone call when she is back in school. Thanks for saying the rights are for my daughter, I never thought of it that way. To make things even more complicated, I live in England and he lives in Ireland. He found out my address and wrote to me with his phone number

OP posts:

Fenella123 · 01/09/2022 13:01

I can't see that it would do her good, him flitting in and out of her life.
He would have to be in a situation where

he can explain himself satisfactorily and without excuses as to why he didn't GAF for 11 years (he probably doesn't know right now - so that will require some hard introspection, therapy, or both)
He is in a position to make and keep commitments re contact
He can be a positive role model to her

Unless you are satisfied as to all 3 - people can change, but it's difficult - I'd be tempted to say, sorry, but I don't think it's in her best interests, and that he can of course go to court to see if they think differently.

girlmom21 · 01/09/2022 13:11

I'd suggest he writes her a letter, detailing who he is, why he disappeared and how he's planning on building a relationship with her, then letting her have time to read it and absorb it.

She can write back if she wants. She doesn't have to.

Longdistance · 01/09/2022 13:26

She’s at that age where she can decide and with her having additional needs, it’s not a great idea for him to pop up and start introducing himself because he’s suddenly woken up.
Maybe if she asks you again. I wouldn’t rush with any contact, he’ll probably bugger off again.

Catcatcat12 · 01/09/2022 13:38

This happened to me when I was 11. My father called out of the blue and wanted to speak with me, after zero contact. I remember being handed the phone and feeling so cornered. Nobody asked me if I wanted to speak with him, or how I felt.

I still remember this day vividly. I hated it.

I probably don’t have to tell you this, OP, but please ask you daughter how she feels and allow her to set the pace, if a connection is to be made.

Catcatcat12 · 01/09/2022 13:40

Just to add that my mother never said a bad word about my father at any point. She had nothing but positive things to say about him regardless of the fact that he left us when I was three months. My discomfort during this one and only conversation with my father, was completely my own.

Midpmcoffee · 01/09/2022 13:41

Say yes.

half hour. In your garden. You present

Midpmcoffee · 01/09/2022 13:43

Oh and 100%

YOU meet him alone first.

and you bring a friend

MintJulia · 01/09/2022 13:57

I'd need a really convincing answer to 'Why now?' before I took this any further.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 14:10

Betting he is in a new relationship and has had to try and explain why he hasn't bothered with his dc.
Same happened to me. Walked away when dd was 2.
Saw my dm who gave him pics and passed on a message he wanted to see dd. Told him I would explain to her and ask her when the time was right.
Rang him and asked why now . He dropped it.
Dd found him in fb at 21. Surprisingly he had had another dd back when he tried to contact me.
Dd tried to have a relationship with him and her half dsis but no connection at all and he was still a shit df. Dd dumped him a couple of years later! Said she never felt like she missed out.

Tachos · 01/09/2022 14:27

I'd suggest he writes her a letter, detailing who he is, why he disappeared and how he's planning on building a relationship with her, then letting her have time to read it and absorb it.

She can write back if she wants. She doesn't have to.

This is exactly what I would do. Even if she does want contact it doesn't have to be in person initially, especially given he lives in another country.
Difficult though, will definitely be unsettling for your dd.

Also next time he sends a text, text back your bank details. Maintenance is not pay per view, he doesn't have to see her to support her financially (legally he's probably owe thousands!).

Original poster

Jazzyn · 01/09/2022 19:08

Thank you for your responses and great advice. I will arrange a phone call with him and see how that goes. If satisfied, I'll speak with my daughter. I'm so sorry for the children that have been in this situation and it didn't work out. Its Incredibly difficult as a single parent to always know the right thing to do. I'll text him my bank details, his response will be interesting. I like the idea of him writing a letter if it gets to that stage.

OP posts:

123ZYX · 01/09/2022 19:21

Is the amount he claims he can afford at least the CMS amount? While there's no way you can enforce it, id be asking when he's going to make up his financial contribution for the last 11 years. Tied in with asking why now

Justanotherwinter · 01/09/2022 19:22

My child’s dad came back saying he wanred contact after 3 years. I said no.

Midpmcoffee · 02/09/2022 10:14

Justanotherwinter · 01/09/2022 19:22

My child’s dad came back saying he wanred contact after 3 years. I said no.

And did he respond or just accept a flat no?

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