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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Teen won't stop lying

14 replies

Amandasummers · 01/09/2022 06:56

I'm at my wits end with him. No amount of talking/removing tech/removing privileges makes a difference. It's like he can't help himself.

I'm certain it's probably fairly common, but I need ideas on how to deal with this because I can't handle it anymore!

OP posts:

Original poster

Amandasummers · 01/09/2022 06:57

He's 13, if that matters

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 01/09/2022 07:04

How 'big' or important are the lies? What sort of stuff does he lie about?

How much privacy and freedom so you give him?

TeenDivided · 01/09/2022 07:06

What's he lying about?
Mine was older and at college when she became less trustworthy (not about anything life threatening like drugs). We stopped challenging a lot of the time, but also sadly stopped believing anything without other evidence. It made life more peaceful.
Lying is very damaging to relationships.

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carefullycourageous · 01/09/2022 07:09

13 is technically a teen, of course, but I was expecting an older child. At 13 you have the chance to control much more.

What are they lying about, specifically?

If they don't respond to routine discipline then the lying may be important to them, what are they saying? Also you may be giving it too much attention. Have you always been very serious about lying?

MintJulia · 01/09/2022 07:23

I used to do that as a kid. Mostly I would deny stuff because my parents made such a huge fuss about everything and I hated it. It was easier to deny all knowledge and not tell them anything, just to get some peace. I stopped as soon as I left home and they weren't there to turn everything into a drama.

What does he lie about - homework, why it took an extra 20 mins to walk home, whether he's cleaned his teeth, lost his PE kit etc. I think that's fairly normal. Have you tried backing off and let him deal with the natural consequences himself?

Billybagpuss · 01/09/2022 07:23

Also how strict are you? What are his reasons for lying, youngsters at this age might lie to avoid getting into trouble. For example Rule is you’re not allowed to go to the park after school, but all his mates are he doesn’t feel he has any other option.

KangarooKenny · 01/09/2022 07:25

I just used to show my DS the evidence of his lying. Even then he would continue the lie, but at least he knew that I knew he was lying.
Mine grew out of it.

coodawoodashooda · 01/09/2022 08:06

I don't know op but we'll done for not letting him away with it. Probably terrible advice but have you tried lying with similar tales to him?

Original poster

Amandasummers · 01/09/2022 17:59

This is the thing, I'm not strict! I fully consider myself a cool mum and he has lots of freedom and I try to accommodate everything he asks if I can do so. He lies about everything. Stealing a box of vapes from our house, smoking them, even though some of them were literally in his room. Saying he's tidied he's room but someone else has messed it up. There's an issue at the moment abut wrappers, he has a bit but will never out them in there so hides them, no longer allowed to eat in his room but still does and is still stupid enough to leave the wrappers rather than at least trying to vet away with it, eating other peoples things, always "hurt his foot" so needs collecting from places, destroys thibts and denies it like cutting random little slits in brand new clothes or uniform or bedding....they are pointless but it's the lies that are pissing me off rather than the things iyswim.

The other day I left some cake on the side and it was gone, denied it even though it couldn't of been anyone else no problem with him eating it so why lie,?

Recently had £120 dissappear into thin air and am now starting to wonder if it was him.

It's driving me mad. He just will not stop no matter what I do. I don't run a strict house, it's chilled, but he is creating a problem by doing this

OP posts:

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/09/2022 18:03

I find at thus age place the evidence in front of him.

I found a vape.. My Ds was out. I litterally left it on the table.

Wrappers.. put them on his bed.. Then he knows you know..

PurpleWisteria · 01/09/2022 18:06

Time to run a strict house.

carefullycourageous · 01/09/2022 18:17

Maybe it is too 'chilled' and he wants you to be more engaged?

What do you mean by 'a cool mum'? Lots of kids want their parents to be in charge, set rules, keep them safe. It is very common for kids of very liberal parents to try to find the boundaries. Lack of boundaries makes kids feel unsafe.

You don't have to be super strict (I am not) but why are you more annoyed about him lying than about him breaking the rules?

Stealing money and vapes are both very serious IMO at that age - it concersn em you are not more worried about that than the lying.

Is he unhappy generally? Do you think he needs your help at the moment?

Original poster

Amandasummers · 01/09/2022 18:26

I just mean I try to be relaxed, we have rules and boundaries and I've made it clear that everything is open to discussion, he can tell the truth without getting a bollocking so why lie? It's insulting that he thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it and it's unnecessary and it means when he does tell the truth i won't believe him. I have no evidence of the money and don't want to believe it, the vape thing? Stealing or not just saying "mum my mates took your vapes" or whatever is the issue, I was a kid once, I tried smoking and what have you and within reason I am not going to kill him for trying it, I'm not allowing it, but he has no reason to lie to me. I think we have a good balance in our home and I just don't get why he's doing it. He does it at his dad's too.

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 01/09/2022 18:54

I think next time he calls for a lift because his foot hurts I'd apologise that I can't go and get him because someone's been in his room and messed it up again after he tidied it so you are tidying it again for him so it's clean again when he gets home.

I think a lot of teens go through a testing the boundaries stage (I remember a period where the most commonly used phrase from me was "you must really think me stupid?") and honestly do act innocent when they know they are guilty.

I've always believed in natural consequences.

So if he wants money and lifts etc he has to earn them by doing what you've asked and telling the truth.

I also remember a time my ds asked me for a lift home from somewhere during his "I'm not lying " stage.

I told him as he's lied to me about x y and z I couldn't possibly believe he actually did need a lift or even if was where he said he was wanting a lift from so I was afraid I couldn't help.

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