Triggered by own childhood since becoming a mum

[Zenlifeforme]

Can anyone relate?
I had my first DD 4 years ago and felt a huge mix of emotions about my own childhood. stuff I thought I’d put to bed with lots of therapy in my late 20s. Now I’ve just had second DD and I’m now triggered around being the less favoured sister (by mother(.

I’ve tried to talk to my mother about my feelings about all this, they felt v hard to manage at times, and all it’s done is cause arguments between us, which is sad as all I want is closure and to understand why my childhood was hard. Ironically the arguments have uncovered her true feelings about me (I was less favoured and she saw me as ‘difficult’ -something I always suspected but when she said it I had it confirmed).

I feel this irrational fear that I am going to be like my mum and favour one of my daughters over the other. I think this is an immature way to parent your children. Is anyone with me on this? But I can’t shake it.
I see parenting as an opportunity to increase my self awareness/spiritually grow as a person. I wouldn’t ever think a child was difficult/bad/naughty (rather
see their behaviour as a way of them getting their needs met or something I need to reflect on in my own parenting practice).
I am finding it really hard to forgive her for how she treated me as a child and also as she still doesn’t see why it’s wrong now. I don’t even feel like Ive properly been given the space to explain it to her. She just shuts me down and hurls abuse at me, acting like I’m being incredibly rude to her, whenever I’ve tried to talk to her about it. I want to tell her all this, but I see she is not interested in seeing my way of thinking or wanting to understand the hurt I experienced.
She seems really immature and I wonder if she ever really grew up emotionally herself from her own childhood trauma. ? And if she hasn’t is she a doomed case in terms of meeting of minds around this?
Is it worth trying to get though to her or am I best just leaving it?

I am similar .
I was severely abused in my childhood and early teens by my mother.
It never ever bothered me. Until I had my daughter and it was like someone had flicked a switch in my head. I've been diagnosed with delayed ptsd and now ocd.
The psychiatrist that diagnosed me said it is a thing that having your own children can trigger past trauma .
I'm now awaiting trauma therapy

So sorry for how you are feeling

I had no idea how much I had buried in my childhood until I had my own DS also 4 years, the first 2 years were so triggering I found it hard to cope,

I have since started therapy and my troubled relationship with my mother is now almost non existent BUT having therapy to understand the triggers and for me the huge anxiety of making sure my child has a good childhood has been very helpful and my head space is significantly better

Try and be kind to yourself and remember you can't change the past but you can shape your relationship with you children for the future,

X

I have a similar situation (different issues with my mum but same fears of becoming like her, causing the same pain in my kids).

I would suggest that if your mum doesn't seem interested to listen or understand, you need to grieve the relationship you wish you had with her, and accept that this is all she brings to the table. It's hard but it's not worth beating a dead horse. Get more therapy to help you deal with it.

Also, remember, it's not the problems (ruptures) in a relationship that cause the most damage, it's the lack of repair (and lack of willingness to repair). Imagine if your mom today were to realise what she had done to you, and sincerely apologise and sought to repair things. That would make a world of difference, despite all the pain she caused in the past. That's what will make you a better parent thank your mum was to you -- the willingness to repair ruptures in your relationships with your children.

You don't have to be perfect (what parent is??). You may well repeat some unhealthy patterns from time to time. Focus on recognising when you do, and repairing (apologising, listening to your child's side of the story etc.). That is what will create a strong, safe and sincere relationship with your kids.

Good luck with your healing ❤️