DS wants to see dad less...

[Starbuck6]

Sorry really long post but I really need some advice. What would you do in this situation?

DS is 12 and has always had a difficult relationship with his dad. He previously went through a phase of refusing to see his dad and being too anxious to see him when he was 7. His dad then took me to court for 50/50 custody. This was refused by the court and I was given full custody with dad being allowed the weekends. Our court order has a stipulation that I can remove access if I feel it's in DS's best interests given his anxieties over dad.

For the past 5 years I've tried really hard to keep things amicable and to help him to have a healthy relationship with his dad but his dad really hasnt made it easy.

DS is now 12 and wants to spend less time with dad but has admitted he's too scared of dad and what dad might say if he asks to see him less. Apparently dad keeps bringing up the time DS didn't want to see him and makes DS feel guilty about that. DS has asked me not to say anything to dad for now.

His dad is very strict and quite controlling. DS has said he feels that his father didn't really care about him. Dad has remarried and they have 4yr old daughter who is DS feels is loved more than him. Dad is a teacher in a secondary school and DS started the same school last September which has just damaged their relationship more with multiple incidents of Dad being too strict about homework etc and not staying impartial within school. DS has never once gotten into trouble in school so dad's behaviour was completely unjustified and I had to be really firm with dad about his behaviour at this time. There have also been multiple incidents of members of staff discussing things with dad within school rather than with me through the correct channels.

4 weeks ago Dad took DS on holiday to Euro Disney and DS became unwell with a high temperature and sore throat. DS has previously been hospitalised with sepsis following a serious case of tonsillitis so he was understandably anxious. He said he felt awful but that he was expected to just carry on. Dad didn't get him any form of medical treatment or get him checked. DS was messaging me because he felt scared and I was trying to reassure him while Dad was totally blasé about the whole thing.

When DS came home he was incredibly upset with his dad but didn't want me to say anything to him because he's scared of him.

Then last week Dad took him to center parcs for another holiday. On the 20th I received a text saying DS had "bumped" his knee. Dad then had him until he came home to me on the 26th. We left for our own holiday and when we arrived DS immediately told me that his knee really hurt him and when I checked it I was horrified. It was incredibly swollen and clearly not right. I've attached images of anyone wants to look, although they really don't show how bad it was. I immediately asked for an onsite medical team to check him and they sent paramedics who immediately sent us to A&E. Xrays were done which didn't reveal any fractures but given the level of swelling after 6 days they decided to treat him for a fracture anyway and put him in a brace with crutches.

While we were in A&E the doctors, understandably, questioned me about why he'd been left so long without medical care. I explained he'd been with his dad and we agreed that the doctors should talk directly to DS.

DS said his father had told him to "just get on with it" and to "keep bending" his knee. Dad did not even let him rest the injury. He didn't put ice on it. They did absolutely nothing. DS said he didn't feel about to "stand up to dad" and tell him that he needed help. After we left the hospital DS burst into tears, hugged me and said "mummy thank you for getting me the medical help I need" This has absolutely broken my heart. The fact that he desperately needed medical care and couldn't ask for it is unacceptable. He shouldn't even need to ask in my opinion.

I'm beyond angry and DS is also now completely traumatised and thinks that his dad doesn't care about him and he doesn't want to see his dad at the moment.

The little trust I had with dad has completely gone and I don't want DS with him while he's recovering from this injury.

What would you do in my position?
Do you think I'm right to withdraw access for a bit to let DS recover?

It's clear to me that he feels really uncomfortable around his dad and I don't think it's fair to keep sending him there when he feels like this.

I admittedly know nothing about the logistics and politics of coparenting, but I would not trust that man to look after my son.

Your son says he doesn’t want to see him and is afraid of him - advocate for him.

I would go back to the Courts for sole custody and consider moving schools or reporting dad to the relevant authoritesand governing bodies for neglect.

I don't know what to do legally but this is a safeguarding issue. Your poor DS's Dad is a neglectful bully. Please see a solicitor to work through the options. I would not let my boy stay with a man like that.

I'm not generally someone who would advocate for withdrawal of contact, but no - your ds shouldn't have to see his dad.
Would he be interested in/able to move school as well?
It seems almost fruitless stopping contact if his dad has contact during school hours.

I would respect your child's wishes. He's got very good reasons for his decision. You need to advocate for him.

Thank you everyone. It's a relief that everyone has the same view.

Deep down I know it's time to step in and withdraw access for now but there was just this little part of me that was worried that I was overreacting.

Last time we went to court it was a very traumatic experience for DS and I've been trying to avoid that as much as possible.

I'm going to sit DS down and have a chat with him about what he needs and wants and then I'll take the next steps to making sure his wishes are respected.

I’d say that things must be bad if even the court order has given permission to remove access.

I would stop access for now, and if your ex goes to court then as your DS is 12 the courts will take his views into consideration.

Can he move schools? I imagine he is terrified to stop contact with his Dad because he knows he won’t be able to avoid him at school. If he was at a different school then at least he could properly reduce contact and know he isn’t going to run into his dad in an environment where his dad has all the power and where you’re not there to support him.

I'll join the chorus: cut contact, and if at all possible move schools.

If you do need to go to court, remember that there's a big difference between 7 and 12. I'm sure it still won't be easy for him – even if things have been bad, there is still trauma and grief around making this sort of a break in the relationship – but he can understand and process it in a way he couldn't then. He may also find it helps that he's now old enough to have his views heard and considered. I remember finding it very frightening that someone I'd never met had the power to decide so much about my future, and I had no voice in the process at all.

Don't make him see his Dad. He can make his own decisions. Poor lad. He definitely needs a break.
I was made to see my Dad (who was a horrible bully) and it caused a severe anxiety disorder for me as an 8 year old.

Cut the contact outside school. Speak to the head teacher and insist that he is never taught by his dad (surely wouldn’t be?), dad must not try to speak to him at school, and that all discussions about his progress must be with you and not his dad. If that cannot be guaranteed, a change of school might be best.
His dad’s attitude to his medical needs is appalling. I would make it very clear to his dad that you feel your son is not looked after properly and that your view is based on medical opinion. A couple of times I took one of mine to A&E when visiting GPS scoffed and I made it very clear on our return that staff said he needed to be seen.

Hi there , I so feel for you and your poor son. Your ex sounds narcissistic, controlling and that's awful. I empathise completely, have an ex the same kind of behaviour. The courts are clearly aware of his behaviour and that's why they are open to you changing the order, which absolutely is what is in the best interests of your son. I understand , I have 2 daughters to my ex and with this type of behaviour fear and appeasing the abuser is very strong. He is abusive and your son is being emotionally and now physically harmed by him. Have you got support..? I recommend you speak to domestic abuse helpline, find a local service, or they will for you so that you can talk to someone in a safe comforting supportive environment. They can help support with everything and honestly that's the first thing you need I reckon. I send you huge hugs, love and empathy. You are not alone. You're not doing anything wrong! And it's not your fault xxxx

Do you have to have a Big Chat? Can ds not just be less available? Perfectly normal at his age to have plans for the week end with friends! Maybe ds may not worry about A Great Scene with df this way.
Also had a medical negligence issue. Dr was fuming with exh.

Listen to your son and withdraw contact. It is also probably a lot worse than he is even telling you. Agreed on moving schools if possible. He can resume contact if he feels
Like it when he's older.

I'd definitely be asking your son if he wants to change school.
At 12 surely he's old enough to know what he wants and be listened to by the court, so if he chooses to not see his father, I would hope that would be granted.

Your son really needs you to back him up on this one, I could feel his angst in your description, he must be so unhappy being forced to see his dad. He sounds like a bit of a knob, I pity his 4 year old daughter.

I’d also ask your son if he wants to change school. If you achieve sole custody your son may feel very anxious seeing him every day. I wish you luck, you sound like a very strong level headed woman.

Of course they can’t guarantee it, a school canmot cut one parent off on the say so of another parent, if they could they’d be fielding parents each day who were demanding the other parent is now blocked etc.

I would go to court with the medical evidence alone. I would also let your ex know if he contests it then I would be pursuing safe guarding concerns of your sons physical and mental health.

I would if possible move schools. The absolute bully 🤬