How do I cope?

[Butterbeer22]

Hello,

just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

so some background info, my ex and I have been separated over 4 years, have 2 Dc 13 and 6.
ex met his now wife last October, she has her own daughter, who my children refer to as their sister.
ex and my 13 year old have had a strained relationship over the years; however it has gotten better.
both children live with me and see they’re dad 3 weekends in a row.
Ex and I don’t have the best relationship, he isn’t a nice person to me, never had the best relationship together.

so onto the issue, my ex called me yesterday to say that my 13 year old wants to live with them eventually, sometime between November and January, they also want to put him in a new high school (I have no problem with the changing of high school, as the one he is in is awful and this other one seems better and it’s slightly further away from me, but still accessible via bus and an 11 minute drive)
his main reasons for wanting to live with him, are because he hates his school and he likes their family dynamic better, as it’s louder, and more people live there.

me and my son have a lovely relationship, he always tells me how he is feeling and I love him a lot.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement, but I have agreed as he will be 14 soon and he’s quite mature so feel like he can make up his own mind. I’ve spoken to my son about it and told him that I’m not going to love him any less and if this is what he wants it’s ok with me, I’ve told him I obviously will be sad and I will miss him, but I’ll still see him.
My other major concern is my 6 year old, he will be absolutely devastated as he loves his big brother a lot and part of me feels he’s going to want to live there too, but I’ve already told my ex that he will be staying with me as he’s not mature enough to make that decision.

how do I cope with this? How do I cope if they then want my youngest to live with them, I feel like my life is falling apart and I’m failing as a mum.

my ex and his wife are very strong characters, where I’m quite and hate confrontation.

All I have done is cry for the last 24 hours.

Oh lovely, that sounds so hard. Is there not a middle ground? Does it have to be one or the other house he lives in or could you move to more of a shared 50/50 arrangement with your son spending half the week with each of you, or alternating weeks?

Have you spoken to ds? Is it definitely him that wants it? Do you trust exh to have responsibility ? If ds wants to what about joint custody or every weekend with you?

@100thNameAttempt Thank you for replying. I had suggested this in the past, but the offer was never taken so currently they have them 3 weekends in a row. It very well could change in the future, but this is what he wants at the moment.
It is hard, but I know I have to not let my feelings get in the way as I don’t want to manipulate him in any way to not go as that wouldn’t be fair on him.

@autienotnaughty thanks for replying. His dad said our son wanted him to tell me first, but I have spoke to my son about it yesterday and told him that my love for him won’t change at all, and I could see he was happy and relieved to hear that, so I definitely know that my son does want this and I feel part of it is because his relationship with his Dad has gotten a lot better within this last year and he just wants to be with him more due to this.
yes the plan is for me to have him every other weekend. I’m just hoping that what I’m feeling now is just overwhelming that once everything settles down it won’t be as bad as I thought.

@Butterbeer22 I feel for you my dd raised it as a possibility in her teens (due to dad saying he wanted it) but it never happened as he backed out. Awful for dd but I am glad she didn't go through with it. You are being so fantastic putting your child first.