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Toddler doesn't want to know me or DH when we are around other family

11 replies

MeltdownCentral1 · 30/08/2022 00:26

Just wondering if this is normal /if other parents experience this as well?

I'm a SAHM and DH works from home so we spend loads of time with DD and try to connect with her loads. She's quite a spirited kid but generally manageable - the usual toddler meltdowns from time to time through which we're there for her. We set limits and boundaries and are not permissive parents.

The thing that absolutely baffles us though is that when we go to her grandparents or other family gatherings, she literally doesn't want to know us. It's like she gets so excited/stimulated and it becomes impossible for us to get through to her about anything. She will insist on a grandparent or aunt or uncle doing xyz instead of DH or myself, e.g. helping her with food or shoes or coat... sometimes even a nappy change (which is where I always put my foot down, usually ends in tears). If she starts acting up and DH or I try to set a limit, she is totally unreceptive and will usually just try to run from either of us.

DH and I are getting increasingly frustrated as she isn't like this at all at home, so it always looks like we've got a spoilt brat on our hands. I feel like we just need to bite the bullet and be firm in these situations even if it results in a public meltdown (the idea of which stresses me out even more).

Has anyone else experienced similar? How did you handle it? Do toddlers get better at dealing with these situations and not get over stimulated so easily as they get older?

OP posts:
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DappledThings · 30/08/2022 08:44

Mostly normal I think if she likes her family. Having other people around to do the mundane things is exciting for a child. My 6 and 4 year olds still when leaving either set of grandparents will insist that it is a GP who does up their car seat straps/belt.

We used to joke about DD saving up her poo for the GPs. Every time MIL was here or we were there she would need a poo and had to be Nanny who helped her wipe. Fortunately Nanny was OK with this!

No harm letting someone else you trust change a nappy as long as they are happy to and it isn't being forced on them.

MsMarch · 30/08/2022 08:50

Her wanting family members is probably actually a good sign - she is confident and happy not to cling to you. it's a bit trickier if her behaviour is poor and she won't accept discipline from you. It might be that in that situation you have to be firm - say you are leaving if she won't behave. Then follow through.

Neverendingdust · 30/08/2022 09:36

I’d say perfectly normal. Kids can be fickle so you might find one day it switches completely the other way.

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MoreTeaLessCoffee · 30/08/2022 09:45

My daughter was like this, she was just super confident and sociable (and still is, gets it from her dad as I am not like that at all). There's no need to fight this battle, let them change the nappy if they are okay to. I very much doubt anyone is judging you, most people know what toddlers are like. Have you tried takings a calmer activity that the family could do with her, like reading her a book or stickers? Or suggesting a walk together if she is getting too out of hand?

How old is she? Unless she is 3.5+ I wouldn't be firm to the point meltdown to make her learn, she's too little for that.

IceStationZebra · 30/08/2022 10:02

Seems normal, I don’t exist when Grandad is around.

I just play to the strengths - glad that DS is happy being looked after by someone else, and means I have easy babysitting available. We’ve had a few chats with grandparents about sticking to routines, drinking water instead of milk etc, and they follow that and are not afraid to discipline if there’s any silliness.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 30/08/2022 10:07

Normal I'd say. 3 yo DGS insists on me taking him to the toilet, helping him fetch toys from his room, etc.etc. when I'm with him. It's the novelty I think. He's very securely attached to both his parents and I think it's all part of him safely spreading his little wings. Sounds as though it's the same in your house.

MeltdownCentral1 · 30/08/2022 13:42

Wow thank you all for your responses. I feel a lot less concerned and glad it's normal toddler behaviour! :) PP thank you for the suggestion re books and stickers, I think I'll try that.

I was brought up with lots and lots of rules so trying to unlearn all that, I think that's what makes me feel like I'm being judged so much!

OP posts:
IggityZiggity · 30/08/2022 13:59

Mine is the same, she loves interacting with people, and will much prefer to do things with others than me when with family and friends. Embrace it- you get a break! And when you have to hold a boundary and it ends it tears, no one should be judging normal toddler meltdowns!

Staggersaurus · 30/08/2022 14:03

I can almost guarantee it’s just a phase. In a few months you will look back on this and wish it back. Mine did this for a bit and then went super clingy, not wanting to go to anyone else. It’s all just developmental, make the most of not being needed!

Allthesweets · 02/01/2025 14:20

Hi OP, just wondering how this all going now? Going through the exact same thing with my DS.

Karmacode · 03/01/2025 06:18

Mine does this and I find it a massive relief. Means we when we visit grandparents, I can chill with a coffee while someone else entertains!

I don't see the issue with nappy changes if you trust your family. Both sets of grandmothers will offer to change a nappy or my little one will want them to do it, I'm absolutely more than happy to delegate this task to them when we visit. I think it's good for children to have other adults around them they trust.

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