Does it really get better?? PND + newborn life

[Captain1822]

Hi all, I’m sorry that this has probably been posted multiple times already, but I’m really hoping someone could tell me their positive post natal depression stories?

I was diagnosed with PND+PPA by my GP, started my antidepressants 3 weeks ago and since then I have thankfully felt an improvement but I know there’s still a way to go.
I was really hoping for some success stories to convince me that things will continue to get better.

I had my DS 10 weeks ago, he’s absolutely gorgeous and a much wanted baby. He’s struggling with colic and (suspected) undiagnosed reflux which is making life very difficult right now and I’m scared things aren’t going to get better.

I always wanted to be a mum and have yearned for a child for years but I feel like I’d romanticised the idea in my mind and my new reality is just not enjoyable.

Honestly, I never expected this to be this hard and I’m struggling to adjust to this new life. It’s been so overwhelming and I don’t want to feel like this forever.
All I see is people around me who seem to be handling it much better than I am and it’s so sad that I’m wishing away the weeks until the golden ‘it gets better at blah blah stage’ happens.
I feel like I have bonded with DS and I do love him, but I just feel so uncomfortable with this new life we are living that I wish time would pass.

I dream of days playing with toy dinosaurs and family trips to the zoo, making dens in the front room and all the ‘firsts’ we can do together. Maybe I’m just not a baby person?

DH works long hours which means I’m alone with the baby for nearly 15 hours a day, 4/5 days a week, except for when my mum visits which is always nice to have the company. But in general all days feel the same, like I’m repeating the same day over and over.

I haven’t had a break away from my boy yet as I feel too guilty, though I desperately wish I could. I’m worried I wouldn’t truly miss him if I went but I’d come back from a sense of duty more than longing. Partner does take him for walks/ helps when he’s home, but secretly it never feels like enough.

My son smiles and babbles alot and really lights up when he spots me, which fills me with more joy than I could ever imagine. Sometimes only I can soothe him during his fussy hours and have the magic touch to get him to sleep, so I must be doing an okay job? All his needs are met and he is so cared for and loved.

I just feel so lost.

I don’t regret having him at all, but I’m desperate for pieces of my old life back. Every time I try to do something I enjoy, to work it into my new normal, it never works and I end up feeling worse.

I feel like I’ve made this permanent change to my life that I’m not truly enjoying and now I have to accept that this is my life now.

Does it really get better?

Yes, it does! This is the time for survival mode. Some people have babies that sleep and look cute and get to swan about having coffee and arranging newborn photoshoots. Others are at the coal face, feeling desperate and thinking what the fuck have I done to my nice, predictable, yet spontaneous life.
The sleep gradually gets better, you adjust to the enormous change and then start to actively enjoy it a bit more when you are in the swing of things.
I had a difficult first pregnancy, birth and newborn and ended up with PND and PTSD. I was on sertraline for a while and had EMDR. You will get through this. One thing that helped me was getting otu to toddler groups. you can go with a newbornm they are not just for older children. And other mums will hold the baby and let you have a coffee and a chat. Honestly, it was what kept me from doing something silly some days.

It honestly does get better.
The first few weeks are the absolute worst. The first night we brought dd1 home, I remember sobbing to DH and all I could think was "what have we done?"
I was absolutely hating motherhood and felt like I was drowning.
I threw myself into baby groups and classes just to get out the house and talk to other adults and it helped me so much and I made some great friends with other mums who were as exhausted and desperate as I was.

Over the months I started to really enjoy DD and now she's starting school next week and she's amazing (most of the time 😂)
We had a second and the feelings of despair weren't nearly as bad as the first time.
Our youngest is 3 and currently going through a naughty phase but I'm still loving my children and my life with them.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

absolute agree with the above, you are just in survival mode in the first year. It is the hugest adjustment and it is all consuming. I promise it gets better, you start beginning to feel like yourself again towards the end of the first year or so (in my experience) and by the time they are 2 you are completely adjusted and completely back to normal. Young babies are a 24 hour a day commitment, you love your baby to the moon and back but it is still emotionally taxing.

don’t worry, you’re doing fab. Everybody is bored and knackered throughout the first couple of years, some more than others but definitely everybody feels it.

I absolutely promise it gets WAY better. This first bit is grim - frankly, I hated most of the first year. Ours had reflux and multiple food intolerances so eating and sleeping were a nightmare. But once that settled it just got better and better. Like you, I had PND, and couldn’t believe I’d changed my life “for the worse”. I thought that hard bit would never end and I think the single thing I wish people had told me was that it really does. DS is now 4 and for the last 3 years I have felt such love and such delight in him. I can’t imagine a life without him.

I think lost is a very common new mother feeling - I’d echo what others have said about getting out and making mum friends. Really, sometimes the only thing that got me through the worst days was being able to wail to a group of people who really understood. It’s a huge adjustment going from individual to mother and I do think it takes time for that to happen - for a new normal to be created.

It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job so far - hang in there and this bit will be over soon.

It does get better, it is one of the great ironies of life that new parents get the most difficult, demanding phases of parenting first and then it slowly gets easier. In all other things in life you start with the basic stuff and progress to the more advanced parts.
Reflux also makes it much more difficult, you might want to consider allergies. Have you been referred to a paediatrician?

I've been exactly where you are OP and it does get better. Not all at once, but gradually over time.

I'm not going to bullshit you, there are some parts of your old life that are gone forever. Some other parts will take years to get back while some will come quickly. My kids (because yes I even went onto have a second child!) are 9 and 7 now and I am able to enjoy most of what I could do before kids.

Hi OP, my situation is identical. My little one is 9 weeks old and I just feel so much despair and so sad that I'm not enjoying these precious moments and sometimes I feel anger towards him and then awful for days.

He has reflux and paediatrician advised against meds as he said there's research showing they lower immune system. He wants to be help and carried around a lot and my arms are permanently sore and I just want to be left alone for a few hours and I can't.

There's rarely a day goes by when I don't cry and I just dread him, dream him waking up as it could be hours before he settles again.

Baby groups just made me feel worse as I've seen how calmer all other babies are. People keep asking if I have support but we don't; we live overseas with no grandparents or friends nearby (new to the area).

I don't know what to advise as when people say it gets better after a year I worry what mental state my husband and I will be in, if I already don't want to be around him a lot do the time and it's only been 9 weeks.

We had a great life before him (late 30s) and now it's a very miserable household and we try our best to make the little one happy but when I'm upset at him I just feel like he doesn't deserve this and it makes me feel awful.

I felt exactly the same when my baby was born. I felt I'd be stuck in the same routine forever.
He's almost 4 months old now and there's already a notable difference between now and just a month or 2 ago. He's quite content now to just lay down and babble away at us which gives me the opportunity to do other things if I need or want to.
The only thing which hasn't changed yet is how tired I am, which I think is due to the routine more than the night feeds, so I assume when he gets more interactive and independent every day will feel more different to the last so it won't be as tiring, I hope!
I'd suggest getting out for walks now and then, if you can, I find that helps to make the days more interesting, even if I don't go far.

It definitely gets better. Long lonely days with babies are hard work.

Btw has anyone suggested a cows milk protein allergy for your son? DD was allergic to dairy and only found out after I'd started weaning her. If I'd have known when she was younger it would have made life much easier.

Are there any baby groups near by that you could go to during the week?Or see about self referring to a charity like Home-Start?

It's hideous isn't it. I wasn't prepared to spend every day wishing the hours away and went back to work pt at 13 weeks. Immediately felt 100% better. Did similar when Dc2 came along.They're now 19 and 17 and never ever a single regret.

Yes, it gets better. DD2 is 16 weeks and I have PND (and did last time as well). But it definitely gets better. It's much better for me now than it was 2 months ago.

Although for me, I think as well as having PND, I am just not a baby person. Maternity leave is a pretty boring slog, and I basically sprinted into the office on my first day back after DD1. But she's now 3, and just a delight. Once they can walk and talk, that's when I start to enjoy it.

It definitely gets better! I had both PNA and PND when my daughter was born, ended up on the verge of hospitalisation. She will be 3 in a few days, and I can honestly say it gets easier and better. I also had issues bonding with her, and my midwife, GP, HV and the perinatal health team helped me put a plan in place that (thankfully) worked alongside medication and therapy.

If you haven't had a perinatal mental health referral, push for one. They are a godsend.

I found that something to help focus the week and look forward to was helpful- mine was a lovely baby group that was on once a week, and run by wonderful supportive women- yours may be coffee with a friend or someone you went to antenatal classes with. If I made it to that group, things were OK. It gave me time out of my own head.

Making mum friends of all stripes- even if the friendships only last for mat leave- is really,really helpful. More than once I sent hurried whatsapp messages at 4am to people.with similar age babies (and ended up having a fab friend who lived across the road).

It gets better, I promise x

I had PND and was prescribed antidepressants. What really helped me was to go to baby groups and meet other new mums, daily exercise (even just a walk round the block) and don't be afraid to call your GP/HV, they're there to help.

I never thought I'd say this but yes, it does get better. This is coming from someone who thought 'what have I done?' way too many times than I'd like to admit.

If having a baby was easy we'd all have tons! There is nothing that can prepare you for the change they bring to your life, it blows it all to pieces so it's normal for it to take a longtime to adapt and settle into it. I spent a lot of time comparing myself to other people, and now I think what was the point? That didn't make me a better person or mum, or make me do more.

I started to only do things I wanted to do, I looked after my baby and got out the house and that was it, the husband can cook dinner! I know everyone has said it but getting out the house is so so important. Did you do nct? Look into classes/mum meets up, one thing you do a day will leave you feeling like you have direction and done something for the day, even if you spend the rest of it sat on the sofa with your baby on your chest watching films/box sets.

In time you will be able to leave your baby with a trusted person to babysit, I never thought I'd be able to but it comes easier in time.

Well done on getting yourself on medication, it took me way too long to do it myself and wish I'd done it earlier.

Yes it really really does. I thought I would love my newborn and he would look back at me with love in his eyes.
Instead I had a colicky, screaming baby. I saw nothing from him. Just need. I had PND but not diagnosed until 8 months down the line. Good for you for getting help. If you can get it/afford it then Councelling/therapy can also be helpful. Sometimes just medication isn’t enough. But everyone is different.
Well it really really does get better.
Your DH is working long hours. Mine was too. It’s tough. Can he reduce them a bit in the short term. Like a month. Just to give you some extra suooort? Could you get a cleaner or someone to do some chores like load the dishwasher/hangout washing? Just to give you a break?
Maybe try some nice relaxed baby groups - like baby massage? Don’t compare yourself. No one has their shit together with a baby. Even if they look like they do.
you are doing better than you think.

I was very ill with PND/A after my child was born so I've been where you are (also colicky reflux baby). I can tell you it will improve but it takes time and happens incrementally.

Things that helped me (apart from meds):

• support from the perinatal mental health service
• getting out of the house (I couldn't sit in cafés but I had a very understanding friend I visited weekly)
• going back to work relatively early
• talking to people about it - it's amazing how many people experienced similar feelings
• short times away from the baby like going to the supermarket or for a quick coffee (I found it easier to be out of the house)
• time

I remember asking someone 'when does it get better' and when they said around 4 months, I thought I would honestly not survive that long. But I did and you will too. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I don't miss a single thing about that first year, but I love my 3 year old so fiercely that it's all worth it.

Keep talking, keep asking for help if you need it - this is not your life forever.

Yes, it will. There is help out there: it could be counselling, medication, exercise, making mum-friends etc. Nothing prepares you for the emotions and anxiety that having a baby can bring - I felt it was like a terrifying anxiety-switch had been turned on in me and I couldn’t turn it off or even dim it sometimes. I had support from a charity that works with women with PND/A and it really helped me. Learning more about intrusive thoughts and the condition really helped too and stopped me feeling guilty. In the darkest moments, usually at night when I couldn’t sleep I kept a diary and tried to write down some positives of that day and re-reading it even a few weeks later helped me see that I’d moved on and there had been tiny improvements.
I was lucky to have a pretty easy baby who didn’t cry much, have colic or need to have naps in the house etc and I know how desperate I felt at times. Please be kind to yourself - a colicky baby or one who has allergies would challenge anyone’s resilience, even an expert’s. I remember reading that Prof Tanya Byron, who’d written a book on babies and sleep was reduced to tears when one of her children had sleeping troubles. I found this quite reassuring, actually - that everyone, no matter how knowledgeable and experienced, could struggle.

I wish you all the best and remember the Mumsnet mantra, this too shall pass. X

I had a lovely 'easy' contented baby but I was depressed to the point of suicidal. Couldn't bond with him, didn't love him, wanted to escape my life, felt in a bad dream. Horrible times.
Slowly, I started adapting to my new life til it just became my lovely normal life. He's nearly 4 and I'm pregs again. I NEVER thought that would happen!

It gets better, have a routine. I flu is going to classes/ groups helped to give your week structure and having adults to talk to. Everyone enjoys different bits of having children don't bear yourself up for finding this bit hard.

Hi, you’re not alone & what’s more you sound like you’re a great mum. I couldn’t read & run because I had PND with my first son & I felt like shit. He had colic, he didn’t sleep, my body was just a ruin & I was isolated, lonely & depressed.

I felt like I’d just crawled out of a car crash TBH. But it does get better and the love you have overrides everything negative until it erodes all the bad stuff away & you’re just left with this incredible feeling of proudness - with yourself!!! For going through birth, caring for a newborn, surviving those sleepless nights. I know it’s hard but try and start building a small social routine into your week do you’re not suffering from isolation as new motherhood is an incredibly lonely time & it’s something that people seem to never talk about for some bizarre reason.

Are there some playgroups near you? I used to find the local churches were good at hosting mother & baby groups xx And it helps to have a little routine to build structure into babies’ life - & yours!!!

Thank you all so much for your replies! I’m overwhelmed by the positivity and great insight you’ve all shared with me so thank you very much!
There aren’t currently any groups in my local area (very small village and the church has just closed- bought out by the council…) and I don’t drive so we’re a bit limited with groups but I’m starting to feel more confident taking him out by myself (first long walk on our own today!) so hopefully I can find some further afield.

We aren’t currently under paediatrician care as we are in the process of eliminating different things one by one (changing bottles/ infacol/ colief/ milk etc) to see if these make a change first. HV advised to try these first then look at trying diary free milk. I am lactose intolerant as are a 2 of my cousins children so it’s a definite possibility for DS.

thank you all again, you’ve made this new mum feel not so alone.

@laurenGame Hi! I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time too!
From what I’ve seen, it seems that a lot of people (around me at least) seem to have quite a lot of help behind the scenes, especially the ones who seem to have it together the most! So sorry you don’t have any help to hand- are there no plans for visits from family or friends?
How is your partner handling new parenthood?

I’m always here if you need to talk! Our situations seem so similar, it would be nice to have someone who understands.

Hope you’ve had a good day today, sending well wishes x

Everything you said I felt to.

The getting better stage is different for each family.

For me it was massive improvements at 5/6 months. Then again at 8 months and now it 20months life is good again. I don't miss my old life anymore - I did. Believe me. Now I can't believe I lived my life without my LO.
I have ups and downs with my LO but compared to the newborn stage 0-4 months eveything has been a dream.

P.s I had 0 help. Only 1 week from Mum. Me and hubby live alone with no Friends or family close by. It was rough and really tested our marriage BUT we did it alone and we can say that proudly and know we can tackle it all over again.

The people who have help are being deprived of the experimce to learn ressilance and life lessons.

Honeslty me and gubby have become the most productive people ever. So organized and make every moment count.

Zombie thread alert