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Parenting

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Original poster

26 yr old daughter has cut ties

18 replies

BettyR00 · 28/08/2022 17:34

Tonight my 26 year old daughter told me she was too busy with work to consider relationships with other people including me. Over the past few months my calls have gone straight to voicemail mostly and any texts I send are mostly unanswered. Speaking to her on the phone about how she is going and you know, life, feels like trying to draw blood from a stone. I felt that there was something wrong.
Tonight I called (straight to voicemail) and then she texted saying that she was busy. When I asked why she hadn't picked up, she then told me that she was working on a project for work and was too busy to chat (which was fair but it was a Sunday and I had no way of knowing this). In fact, she went on, she preferred work over interacting with people and she's sorry if that is hard to hear, but that included me. It was up to me if I wanted to continue to put the effort into the relationship, She said it would make more sense to invest my time and effort into people who reciprocate my effort, and that she would understand if I chose to distance myself from her moving forward.
I am heartbroken. I have felt her pulling away in the past few years, and despite having deep conversations about life the universe and everything, it seems that in the past 3yrs, work and her husband are the only things in her life that matter. I can't just jump in the car to see her - it would actually involve a plane trip. I know she blames me for not leaving her alcoholic father sooner - it's been 12yrs since I kicked him out. I have cried hard ugly crying and feel like I have fucked up somehow. I don't know how to fix this and it is killing me.

OP posts:

Dotcheck · 28/08/2022 17:40

Gosh, that must have been awful to hear.

How much did she suffer at the hands of her alcoholic father?
Have you talked to her about that? Like, listened to her story and apologised for your part in it?

Hidingawaytoday · 28/08/2022 17:43

Hmm, that sounds awful. And odd. I suspect something else might be going on. You said she started pulling away about 3 years ago? When did her husband come on the scene?

NanaNelly · 28/08/2022 17:46

Op, she doesn’t sound very well. She also sounds as if she’s wrapped herself up in a big steel overcoat to protect herself. And granted this could all be a reaction to her childhood but how is her marriage? Could her husband be abusing her by isolating her from people.

Could you go and see her just to see that she’s okay.

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NanaNelly · 28/08/2022 17:46

Hidingawaytoday · 28/08/2022 17:43

Hmm, that sounds awful. And odd. I suspect something else might be going on. You said she started pulling away about 3 years ago? When did her husband come on the scene?

We cross posted. I’m also wondering about the husband or what else could have happened 3 years ago.

Bellyups · 28/08/2022 17:47

Are you sure her husband isn’t the organ grinder here? How long has he been about?
Does she speak to and see friends?

TenRedThings · 28/08/2022 17:47

I would send her a letter every month telling her what you are up to in your life regardless of no reciprocation. You can explain that you accept that she has other priorities but your priority is to stay in touch, that you love her and that you will always be there for her if she needs you. This must be so hard for you

yonce · 28/08/2022 17:54

If she was 14 when you finally left your alcoholic husband, there's a really really high chance that that's had a huge impact on her growing up and relationships. If she's found happiness with love and life in another country, and that's what she wants to focus on then that is up to her.

Is there more to the story? I've got friends who are NC with their parents, and their parents all say it came out of the blue / they've no idea what happened / they're so sad their DC is now too busy for them etc but they've all had a history of terrible up bringing and the parents being absolutely horrid, (I find strange how the parents forget that part) which all comes into play.

GG1986 · 28/08/2022 18:00

Sounds like she may have some mental health problems?

MarshaMelrose · 28/08/2022 18:01

That sounds like depression to me. It was the sort of way I thought when I was starting with it but didn't know. It's important that you keep some contact going, even if it's just texting.

NotLactoseFree · 28/08/2022 18:01

Her response does seem extreme. But just to say the other side: my mum could never understand why I didn't answer the phone immediately. And if I said I had work or was busy or was doing something, she always had some reason why that wasn't a good enough answer or would guilt trip me. In this instance, you called her and then she texted to say she was busy. But that wasn't good enough for you - you then wanted an answer on why she didn't answer your call. Did you call her just once? Why, if she said she was busy, did you ask again why she didn't answer? How often do you expect her to talk to you?

Admittedly, i would never have said what she did, but I did, on more than one occasion, tell her that if she was upset because I didn't answer the phone immediately hat was on her and I wasn't going to feel guilty about it. I learnt to be completely unsympathetic to the guilt trip she attempted to send me on.

I would take a long, hard, honest look at what your expectations have been and whether they're fair for a young married woman with a job she loves in another country.

Cruisebabe1 · 28/08/2022 18:09

NotLactoseFree · 28/08/2022 18:01

I would take a long, hard, honest look at what your expectations have been and whether they're fair for a young married woman with a job she loves in another country.

Exactly this.

mistermagpie · 28/08/2022 18:12

That sounds a bit odd. I'm NC with my parents, haven't seen or spoken to them for nearly a decade, but there were literally years and years of build up and different shorter periods of no contact which led up to the final estrangement. It wasn't a shock to anyone or out of the blue or anything, I think we all knew it was inevitable.

That sounds quite different to your daughter and her behaviour sounds a bit strange if there hasn't been an argument (or series of them) or something to be the catalyst.

Have you demanded a lot of her time and attention recently? Is it a 'final straw' thing and she's using work as an excuse? Are you sure her marriage is doing ok? Could maybe write her a letter or something instead of calling and just lay out your thoughts so it's open for her to reply to without pressure?

mistermagpie · 28/08/2022 18:14

TenRedThings · 28/08/2022 17:47

I think this is a nice and relatively safe idea. Takes the pressure off her but keeps the channels of communication open. If my mum had ever bothered her arse to do this, there is a chance we might be in some form of contact now.

FunsizedandFabulous · 28/08/2022 18:24

Just ruminating here OP but is it possible your DD's DH might be isolating her intentionally from her family?

Does she go out with friends and other family members?

I get the sense that having an alcoholic parent isn't the only reason she's going NC.

I only stay in touch with my family by WhatsApp and email.

Leafy3 · 28/08/2022 18:32

Wow that's brutal to hear, op, I'm so sorry!

I agree with a pp about a weekly letter, physical post as well has something more meaningful to it. In time, she might feel less stressed and come back to you some more.

My first thought, too, was how long her husband has been around and whether he might be behind this?

How was your relationship before she started pulling away?

Miajk · 28/08/2022 18:47

mistermagpie · 28/08/2022 18:14

Show quote history

This might be an awful idea.

I have the same situation with my mother as OP has with her daughter.

My mum constantly messaging and phoning instead of understanding I don't want as much contact has made me have to set a really firm boundary of no contact.

"I asked her why she didn't pick up" - probably because she isn't glued to her phone? Why do adults owe anyone explanations on why they did not pick up their phone once?

It sounds like she needed you when she was younger but you didn't do very well at being there for her. Now you want a lot of contact because it's what you want and you can't respect her boundaries and the way she has chosen to heal.

Let her be. Stop constantly trying to get in touch. She's made it clear. Tell her she's always welcome to message you, that you love her, message her on Xmas or birthday but other than that you really need to take the hint she's giving you and respect her decision.

My mother further harassing me just made me so much more upset and want to speak to her less and less.

2bazookas · 28/08/2022 19:08

S he might be very depressed; have you asked her husband what he thinks?

Petronus · 28/08/2022 19:14

Hard to say. Could be that she is angry at you about what happened with her father and is distancing for her own mental health, could be that her husband is trying to isolate her, could be intense work pressure. I like the idea of the monthly letter. It shows effort on your part - more than picking up the phone, but isn’t intrusive.

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