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Parenting

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Original poster

New baby in split family

17 replies

PhoenixRose13 · 26/08/2022 01:24

Hi there. Looking for some advice. I am about to give birth (37 weeks). My partner has two pre existing children and is now worried how the kids aren't going to cope with the baby. I have tried to suggest we have a "family meeting" so we can talk to the kids and reassure them however he will not let me speak to his kids about any issues even if he is present. He has told me they are struggling in school and he is worried about their well-being but won't talk to them about whats going on because he doesn't want to "overwhelm" them. I think it's important that the issue is discussed with the kids and they feel reassured. We had a conversation yesterday that we were going to talk to them but instead he just spoke to them alone in the car and only told them that when I go into labor they will go to their mums house. I also now have to go between his place and my mum's so as not to disrupt his pre existing children. I'm feeling very let down and disappointed. I am not sure what to do and whether I should just leave. 😔

OP posts:

Northernerinwales · 26/08/2022 01:41

My ex husband was like this. We had a lovely relationship at the start and he had three children to his ex. He got his children every other weekend and he wouldn’t let me meet them for ages. I lived at his mothers at the time and he expected me to leave on the weekends he had the children to go to my mothers and he wouldn’t speak to me over the weekend as he was “busy with the kids” I met them only because I turned up at his mothers one Father’s Day and he had no option but to introduce me. When we planned on talking to the kids together he would always talk to them on his own and then just tell me he spoke to them instead of involving me. I would just explain to him that your not happy about the situation. Not allowing you to be involved with the kids are going to make them resent the baby when it’s born if he isn’t going to allow them to be involved and you can’t just up and leave and go to your mothers when the baby is born. I would just say to him “we are also your family me and this baby and you need to start including your kids with this baby as they will be siblings. I can’t keep upping and leaving to my mums when the baby is here because it’s going to be unsettling for me and the baby and I’m not doing it. You chose to have this baby with me and we have had plenty of time to sort this out so we either sort it as a family or I will do this completely on my own without you”

Original poster

PhoenixRose13 · 26/08/2022 01:42

Thanks for your advice ❤️

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 26/08/2022 01:48

Just say no and refuse to leave? I'd let him know if he's telling or asking me to leave I'd be leaving permanently. In no uncertain terms.

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Original poster

PhoenixRose13 · 26/08/2022 01:49

❤️

OP posts:

MarshaMelrose · 26/08/2022 02:39

His place or your mum's? Where's your place?

Original poster

PhoenixRose13 · 26/08/2022 08:02

I have moved it with him but now he is wanting me to go between him and my mum's.

OP posts:

Summerof22 · 26/08/2022 08:04

Didn the have a conversation with them when you told them you were pregnant?
how did they react?

TooHotToTangoToo · 26/08/2022 08:06

No! 'His' place is now your home, and will be your babies home.

What a ridiculous thing to expect you and the baby to do, to up sticks each time his dc come round. They will never get to know you or the baby. Does he not realise that this child will be a sibling to his existing children, and his children will most likely want to spend time with the baby. He'll cause more issues than he solves doing this.

Can you suggest you both speak to a child psychologist or someone similar to get advice on how to handle this, maybe he'll take advice from a professional ?

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 08:08

I also now have to go between his place and my mum's so as not to disrupt his pre existing children that is absurd. Either you live with him or you don't. Is he going to send the baby away too? They aren't going to get used to the idea if you aren't around.

How long have you been together - I'm guessing you've sat down and told the kids together? If he wants it to not be a BIG THING he has to stop acting like its a BIG THING.

TooHotToTangoToo · 26/08/2022 08:09

By him doing this does he not realise that he will drive a wedge and create future issues. What will happen on Father's Day, which set of children does he spend the day with, christmases, Easter,birthdays, school shows, are you not allowed to have a family holiday with all children, will your dc nob be allowed to join the holiday, will he then have to take 2 holidays, one for each set of dc, any family day or activity will have to be split between the children.

SurpriseSurprise · 26/08/2022 08:09

I can’t see it getting any better tbh and I think I’d just move permanently out to your mums. It might make him realise how unreasonable he’s being

chillipenguin · 26/08/2022 08:11

TBH I would consider leaving if its a fairly new relationship. When baby is here you will need support. When baby is older he can see his child every other weekend when he doesn't have his other children if that's going to be an issue for him I bet he'll change his tune then when he doesn't get a weekend "off".

Good luck with the birth.

RedToothBrush · 26/08/2022 08:23

HE is already rejecting you and the new baby. Not the kids. The kids are the excuse to avoid the responsibility of dealing with it.

Your language reflects this: HIS place. Not your home. And the need for you to fuck off when he tells you as you are an inconvenience to his family set up.

This is not a relationship worth pursuing. You are not an equal partner in your own life or future.

Your child sounds like it's being set up to be a nuisance to his own children.

If having another child was going to badly affect his other children to this degree he should not have got you pregnant in the first place. They all need to suck it up or you need to make the decision to walk and make your own way which doesn't upset their precious little set up.

Goldbar · 26/08/2022 08:36

So is he proposing that you have to move out, take the baby and parent alone every time his children come to visit for the duration of the visit?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd leave, claim CM and look at alternative homes for you and the baby. There will be many days when you are exhausted, haven't slept and don't feel like moving out and parenting with no support just so he can pretend to his other DC that you and the baby don't exist.

NerrSnerr · 26/08/2022 08:46

I also now have to go between his place and my mum's so as not to disrupt his pre existing children.

Why does he get to dictate what you do? You should be an equal in your relationship and you're clearly not.

PritiPatelsMaker · 26/08/2022 08:49

I'd be going to my DMs and staying there.

magaluf1999 · 26/08/2022 09:03

If the children genuinely are unsettled and struggling (which they might not be-might be him projecting) then i think him setting you up as some sort of distant aloof disinterested absent figure is NOT going to be helping. Surely, what they need is gentle reassurance and actually having someone around them with some stronger emotional skills who is less terrified and might have some strategies and a clearer view of whats happening-that has to be a good thing. As DP is just not handling it. Is that honestly the only aspect he discussed with them that when the baby comes he will send them away?

His place is now your home. Your are massively heavily pregnant and he is being incredibly unfair to ask you to leave when you should be nesting.

If they are due over this weekend i'd say that you will be out during the day after he picks up to allow him and them to settle and find their groove but you will be back to eat dinner and watch a movie with them. And you will be staying.

If your DH doesn't sort himself out he is going to lose everyone. He is terrified and I understand but he needs to be read the riot act.

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