Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Detached from my OH. Anyone else feel the same?!

16 replies

Bmt · 25/08/2022 21:42

Hello fellow mummas,

I'm a ftm to a 8 month old lg.

Does anyone else feel totally detached from their oh? He's always struggled with poor mental health and before the birth of our lg he had a bit of a breakdown and went on antidepressants ( he was on them before we got pregnant but came off when we were trying). But ever since the birth I just feel totally removed from him and our relationship. The labour was long, I was 15 days overdue in the end and my idea of a natural water birth never happened because I had to go to the city hospital as there was meconium in the waters and no pools available, I then had an epidural in the end as had been having contractions since the 31st of December and our lg didn't come until the afternoon of the 3rd of Jan, I was exhausted!

During the labour my oh just couldn't cope, I had to keep reassuring him I was okay. He walked out a few times to gather himself and almost missed the pushing part. I just feel like I did it all on my own and he wasn't able to be the birthing partner I hoped for. Ever since then I just feel resentment towards him, I know he did his best and it's not his fault but I just felt totally unsupported. The first 12 weeks were hell as our lg was so unsettled and cried all the time ( I feel such grief towards the birth and newborn experience as it wasn't how I had dreamed of, I know it's never as expected but I get so upset as feel I lost it all, especially as we don't think we'll have another). But he didn't enjoy it at all, and neither did I. Things are a bit better now but she's still very difficult and isn't the 'easiest' ( not that any baby is 'easy'). But I am a sahm until January and he works full time doing manual labour so is always exhausted when he comes home from work and we have separate beds so he's not woken by our lg. She's BF so there's not much he can do when it comes to settling her in the night. In fact she doesn't settle to anything other than boob which is a huge tie for me as I have no down time at all. He goes to the pub with friends and gets drunk and I'm with our lg all day and night. I was so tired tonight so he played with her and bathed her whilst I rested but that only ever happens when I'm at the end of my tether and need his help, I feel like we are housemates and he's just helping me out and I say thank you, even though she's his daughter too! I don't know if I've made things like this because I have always since the beginning before having her bought all the baby stuff, got everything ready and had full responsibility of her, and because he works I feel bad getting him to do stuff and when his mental health isn't great and he's tired from work I feel guilty him doing things, but in the last 8 months he's only ever taken her out on a pram walk 2 times, and only for 10 mins. I sometimes walk her round for hours to get her to sleep. I know I often never gave up my responsibilities in the early days as I was worried she'd need me to feed her but now she's older and feeding less it would be nice if he would take her out just so I can rest as I feel I don't get any respite at all. Also, sorry if TMI but we haven't had sex yet and I have 0 drive, like literally none at all! So I guess I'm wondering if anyone has had a similar experience, and do your partner's eventually get more involved when baby is less reliant on mum, and also do you get your love for your partner back? Cos rn I don't even feel like we are friends! I feel like it's me and my daughter and he's a lodger in the house! And sorry as I know there are lots of single parents about so I should be thankful I have a partner at home. Sorry to rant just feeling very alone! I so wanted to enjoy parenthood with my partner but it just feels like he hates every minute and I'm not loving it either. I just feel exhausted and drained, as do lots of other parents! Sometimes I feel I'm not cut out for this!

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 25/08/2022 22:41

I don’t think what you are going through is abnormal and I recognise parts of it and we’ve come out the other side. I’m going to bed now but I will reply properly tomorrow.

Crossornot · 25/08/2022 23:02

Hi OP

You are cut out for it, it’s just really really hard. And no you haven’t “made things this way”; you’ve been a responsive and brilliant mother, and your partner could have chosen to step up more. But having a baby is utterly overwhelming for everyone and I can see why (some) men find it tempting to abdicate a lot of the responsibility.

I think that some of what you describe is an inevitable result of having a baby and particularly a breastfed baby, and that things will hopefully improve. But you need to be able to be open and honest with your partner about how you feel and what you need, and his response is really important. Have you spoken to him about all of this? And was he a good partner before you had the baby? If he was, then hopefully you can get there again, if you really listen to each other - and he starts trying much, much harder!

Don’t feel alone - you’re doing a great job and your feelings are very normal and understandable.

MsTaz · 25/08/2022 23:26

I have a 4 month old and all of this resonates with me. Traumatic birth, colicy baby and first time mum. The hormones and isolation don’t help either. I’ve been told it gets better. I literally divorce him in my head, several times a day!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old Antenatal & postnatal Babies & sleep Families
Marinamountainzoo · 25/08/2022 23:32

You didn't make anything this way.

If he wanted to be involved he would have stepped up and offered without needing to be asked.

It sounds like he contributes little other than financially (but am I right you work too?). So you'll probably notice no difference if he left.

NotAsOldAsIFeel · 26/08/2022 14:12

As flop said, I think this is another one of those things no one tells you about before having a baby. They change every dynamic you can (and can't) think of. I experienced a new "space" between me and my DH after both my babies were born. Things that I previously had a lot of sympathy for become subjects for resentment. I quietly hated all the free time he had and the fact that even though he was doing as much as he could, it never felt like enough. But as they both grew older and I stopped BF, I was able to take a step back and this allowed him to step up. It was very slow and I didn't notice it happening at the time, but it did happen. That said though, I don't think the space between us lasted more than a year. Communication is key so if you're able to talk to your partner about how much you need him then do. Maybe wait for a good day, when you're not exhausted, to have that chat. He may be feeling as though you've taken the reins as the primary parent and don't want his input so much. Or he may need a pep talk like this one! I talked to my DH about what more he could do (because he asked), though not about the space I felt between, us but I'd be surprised if he didn't feel it too. We're back to being as close as we were before now though, as parenting has shifted to very much a joint responsibility.

I don't know if this happens to every couple, but your experience certainly sounds familiar to me. Just don't throw it all away because of how you feel right now. Give it time for everything to settle down first. It's so much harder than anyone can prepare you for but it sounds like you're doing fantastically. Please don't give yourself a harder time than you're already having. The first year is hard!

Original poster
Bmt · 28/08/2022 20:57

Crossornot · 25/08/2022 23:02

Hi OP

You are cut out for it, it’s just really really hard. And no you haven’t “made things this way”; you’ve been a responsive and brilliant mother, and your partner could have chosen to step up more. But having a baby is utterly overwhelming for everyone and I can see why (some) men find it tempting to abdicate a lot of the responsibility.

I think that some of what you describe is an inevitable result of having a baby and particularly a breastfed baby, and that things will hopefully improve. But you need to be able to be open and honest with your partner about how you feel and what you need, and his response is really important. Have you spoken to him about all of this? And was he a good partner before you had the baby? If he was, then hopefully you can get there again, if you really listen to each other - and he starts trying much, much harder!

Don’t feel alone - you’re doing a great job and your feelings are very normal and understandable.

Hi there,

Thank you so much. I just really feel like I'm doing everything wrong and want so hard to enjoy it but my lg is very difficult and I know it's not how my partner and I hoped it would be and how we would be as a family, it's definitely pushed me and him apart and just feel so disconnected as I know he finds it so hard and we just have no time for each other as our lg just moans and cries so much and just so worried it's only going to get worse and push us further away. But you're right, he could have stepped up more and men definitely often feel it's the mother's responsibility as they go out and work. And I've spoken to him and he asked what he can do to help more but he's always so tired after work I feel too guilty asking him to do stuff and also don't want to ask, just want him to take more control! But I think it doesn't help that she's breast fed so he doesn't think he can do much. I do feel very suffocated and so wish I bottle fed instead :-( just wish things were different and we were enjoying it all more! And he was a good partner before but not always the best! And I find it so hard to think about a time when we were happy in love although I know we were! Maybe I just need to force myself to have sex and bring some passion back but I'm so tired at the end of the day I just want to go to sleep! Thank you so much for your support x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bmt · 28/08/2022 20:59

MsTaz · 25/08/2022 23:26

I have a 4 month old and all of this resonates with me. Traumatic birth, colicy baby and first time mum. The hormones and isolation don’t help either. I’ve been told it gets better. I literally divorce him in my head, several times a day!

I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth and going through the same but I'm glad I'm not alone! I hope your baby becomes more settled soon as colic is tough! And I think because my lg was so unsettled at the start she's so sensitive about everything now! I do hope it all gets better. Oh gosh, I'm the same, I've broken up with him so many times in late night thoughts and in my sleep!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bmt · 28/08/2022 21:02

Marinamountainzoo · 25/08/2022 23:32

You didn't make anything this way.

If he wanted to be involved he would have stepped up and offered without needing to be asked.

It sounds like he contributes little other than financially (but am I right you work too?). So you'll probably notice no difference if he left.

I really feel like I should have taken a step back at the beginning and let him do more but then he was equally exhausted so he didn't take charge at all as I hoped he would and look after me! I have always been very independent but I should have just stepped back and let him have her whilst I had a bath or something, but he was so broken by everything to that he couldn't be the partner or dad I hoped he could be. And yes I'm only on statutory maternity pay so he goes out and works and I think that's where a lot of it stems from as right from when he went back to work we had separate rooms and I managed all the night wake ups and then in the day everything and when he gets back from work I feel bad so look after her then too so he can rest as I feel it's my job to be with her and I don't want him to be too tired as he's out working hard to earn us money so maybe I shouldn't have been so forgiving perhaps and then he would do more :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
Bmt · 28/08/2022 21:07

NotAsOldAsIFeel · 26/08/2022 14:12

As flop said, I think this is another one of those things no one tells you about before having a baby. They change every dynamic you can (and can't) think of. I experienced a new "space" between me and my DH after both my babies were born. Things that I previously had a lot of sympathy for become subjects for resentment. I quietly hated all the free time he had and the fact that even though he was doing as much as he could, it never felt like enough. But as they both grew older and I stopped BF, I was able to take a step back and this allowed him to step up. It was very slow and I didn't notice it happening at the time, but it did happen. That said though, I don't think the space between us lasted more than a year. Communication is key so if you're able to talk to your partner about how much you need him then do. Maybe wait for a good day, when you're not exhausted, to have that chat. He may be feeling as though you've taken the reins as the primary parent and don't want his input so much. Or he may need a pep talk like this one! I talked to my DH about what more he could do (because he asked), though not about the space I felt between, us but I'd be surprised if he didn't feel it too. We're back to being as close as we were before now though, as parenting has shifted to very much a joint responsibility.

I don't know if this happens to every couple, but your experience certainly sounds familiar to me. Just don't throw it all away because of how you feel right now. Give it time for everything to settle down first. It's so much harder than anyone can prepare you for but it sounds like you're doing fantastically. Please don't give yourself a harder time than you're already having. The first year is hard!

Thank you for the pep talk. I know I just don't think anyone can prepare you for all the things that happen. I love my daughter so much but at the moment I just feel like so many negative things are happening and they could have all been saved if we didn't have a baby. And I know people struggle to conceive and I'm in no way ungrateful but it often feels like we do so much and get such little back but I'm hoping as she grows older we will feel more settled and happy. I so agree with you, I feel upset at his freedom but I know mine will come soon. And as you say, as she's older he can take more responsibility I hope! And I'm glad to hear the space didn't last longer than a year for you, hopefully in a few months things will improve, although then I'll be back at work and then be so busy with that! I'm happy to hear that I'm not alone with this. I will definitely talk to him. Thank you so much for the advice and sharing your experience, it's much appreciated! X

OP posts:
MsTaz · 28/08/2022 21:21

Fingers crossed it gets better for all of us. I’ve joined a baby class and hope meeting other mums will help me feel less isolated. Is that something you can do too? X

YesItIsI · 28/08/2022 21:21

My first born was as you describe your lg. Things were hard until around 10 months. His personality came through and he was just easier somehow. I think I started to feel that the hard work would pay off and I did continue to enjoy him more and more. My second born (just 7 wks) is so much easier and it is making me mourn the newborn phase with my first all over again. So I feel where you're at just now. It does get easier.

My relationship with DH also improved into the toddler years as he was better able to come with our son then.

Original poster
Bmt · 30/08/2022 22:24

YesItIsI · 28/08/2022 21:21

My first born was as you describe your lg. Things were hard until around 10 months. His personality came through and he was just easier somehow. I think I started to feel that the hard work would pay off and I did continue to enjoy him more and more. My second born (just 7 wks) is so much easier and it is making me mourn the newborn phase with my first all over again. So I feel where you're at just now. It does get easier.

My relationship with DH also improved into the toddler years as he was better able to come with our son then.

She's just so exhausting, I love her to bits but just wish she was a bit more placid and laid back as I know that would help my partner so much if he could enjoy uee a little more. She has her wonderful moments but everything is such a drama with her, changing her, washing her, feeding her, all makes her cry and scream and fuss! And it's so hard not to compare her to other babies I know, and I know no baby is 'easy' but she certainly makes things feel far more difficult. I'm glad to know your lg improved at 10 months though! And I'm also happy you be been able to have a better experience with your second too but sorry it's made you mourn again. I don't think we'll ever have a second so I'll never know what it would be like, but I just wish I could change so many things and get all the newborn stage back and for it to he how I dreamed of but I have to move on now as it is what it is and I can't change it or how she is either! And yesterday my partner went out drinking and came home very upset and told me he had been feeling suicidal and hated everything for weeks so now I feel so much worse for him and worried and it explains why he's felt so detached from everything! Just wish things could be so different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bmt · 30/08/2022 22:25

Sorry I mean your ds not lg!

OP posts:
YesItIsI · 01/09/2022 10:22

Sounds very similar to my DH. I think he has had post partum depression both times. Since I posted here he did become distant again and he finally admitted he'd been struggling. He really needs help from someone but won't seek it.

Would your partner look for external help for his MH?

You might benefit from help too. You're going through a really tough time with little support at the moment.

Crossornot · 01/09/2022 17:37

Things will be different though OP, even by Christmas your baby will be completely different from how she is now. The changes happen gradually and are hard to notice day to day but they are HUGE and this phase is very short lived. You and your partner just have to keep reminding yourselves of that - it’s not forever.

Try not to mourn the newborn phase you expected either - I think that is basically a myth for a lot of people. My baby was pretty easy but I still felt utterly horrendous for much of his early months. It’s going to get better!

YesItIsI · 03/09/2022 01:21

Check out this insta page. You might find some decent advice and you can show your partner too.
instagram.com/couples.counseling.for.parents?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I particularly relate the the recent post about adding baby 2. Very accurate!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page