Need Help with Parenting an 11 year old Child.

[juliet2016]

Hello. I am a mum of a daughter who is ten. I have suffered a breakdown in the past and I have had trauma nearly all my life. I am recently divorced and it was a traumatic experience for both myself and my daughter. I am wondering what other parents routines are with a ten year old and eleven year old?. My daughter lives on her computer and does nothing else, I try to break her day up by doing reading or colouring but she is not interested. We are both isolated and have no friends with Kids at the same age. I was doing a house sitting pet sitting job as I was ploughing through my trauma, but now I realise I cant do it anymore as my daughter needs me, I hardly get to see my daughter as she prefers to be on her own with the Roblox or making Kids Youtube Videos.

Sounds like a screen addiction. You need to limit screen time, not by asking but by setting out rules. Most kids that age could easily spend all day staring at a screen, it’s parents setting boundaries around them that stops them.
You suggested other activities but they’re all fairly low key things and unsurprisingly not that inspiring for a ten year old who prefers to be on her tablet. Can you plan a day out together? Sign her up for a hobby?

OK so you know two of her interests, ask her to make you a roblox account and play with her, let her show you around. DD did this for me during lock down, roblox is beyond boring but DD enjoyed sharing it with me.

I think a routine would probably work well during the working week I don't normally get home till 4:30 - 5 and DD gets home at either 3pm or 4pm depending on if she has an after school activity. She goes on her laptop from when she gets in until about 5 and she also does her homework during this time.

In our routine I try and factor in things that bring us together so we have:
Pizza night, make your own pizzas either with pizza dough or even just a baguette cut up and have it with salad. Similarly with things like pasta salad That's dinner done and possibly lunch for the next day

We have cards that are easy to access, normal playing cards and uno and other quick games that we can set up without the huge time investment of monopoly. I'll grab them of the shelf and start setting them up and DD will happily come and play especially if we have sweets as prizes for the winner.

DD also loves a proper games night with longer games cluedo, monopoly, mouse trap etv

On Saturdays DD is incharge of dinner so she works out what she wants to make, writes down what she needs for it then I do the weekly shop whilst she's at tennis and then she makes it.

Make an effort to visit the library if you have one nearby, look at what other activities are on offer, get some books/games/board games what ever your library has even if you have books at home by borrowing them it means that you can get her to visit fortnightly to change books.

Research and find out what clubs are available in your area.
Some hobbies are very competitive and expensive both financially and in time others just for recreation. With yours and DDs experiences I would go for low key recreational hobbies for now so that they don't add extra stress and pressure.

DD does a recreational tennis class on a Saturday morning which is £6 an hour in our area and just needed a racket and trainers. Girls rugby on a Tuesday with matches on Sunday during the season. subs for the year were £90, playing shirts for matches are lent by the club, rugby boots we get from the club if they have them in her size and pay a donation and then donate them back when she's outgrown them, otherwise they are around £40+. She has other club training kit but it was all optional apart from the club socks.

Dd previously danced and swam competitively both were £££ (swimming subs were very cheap but race fees and costumes added up) and ate in to our time a lot so we've got a nice balance at the minute.

Where there has been trauma, I would aim to connect at a younger emotional age - so if she is ten, she might have a ten year old’s interests but only a seven/eight year old’s emotional ability to handle those interests.

The on-screen world feels safe and controllable. You’re aiming to make the real world feel just as safe. So regular mealtimes, bedtimes etc and other positive routines that build security like maybe a weekly movie night at home with microwave popcorn, or a daily time when you’ll do something together.

PP’s idea of following her interests is great - activities you can do together without pressure are ideal. So you could find a Roblox colouring sheet, and start from one end each and do it together. If you get ten minutes of good connection with her through that, you can build on that next time. I’d aim for two or three bursts per day where you give her undivided positive attention - it doesn’t matter what you’re doing together - and let it grow gently from there.

Also, if you show her you’re looking after yourself - eating well, getting rest, maybe trying out a hobby etc - that will give her confidence to do the same.

To answer your specific routines question:
holidays - up around 8, bed around 8.30 Free to choose how to entertain themselves during the day as long as they do their 5 daily tasks (make their bed, put laundry away, read, ten mins music practice, feed the cat). No iPads or gaming after supper. No screens in bedrooms for anyone inc adults.

Naturally term-time brings its own structure, and long days, so weekends are pretty relaxed.