What costa did you split during maternity leave?

[rrrrrreatt]

My partner and I are hoping to start trying for a baby soon so I’m really interested to know how people managed their money and split costs during this period. We’ve spoken a lot about how we’ll share the practicalities of having a child (childcare, work, etc) but not really about money.

My work offers 6 months full pay, 3 months statutory maternity pay and 3 months unpaid. We’re both good earners so I’m more concerned about agreeing something fair rather than how we’ll cover the basics.

My partner’s lovely and I know he’ll want to be fair but I have no reference point for what other people do to start the conversation. My mum and most of my extended family had partners who made minimal financial contribution (maternity or otherwise) and my sister stayed at home so they took everything from my brother in law’s salary for years. My friends don’t really talk about how they’ve done it either.

We’re in the process of buying a house now so will soon have a joint account for all our house and general family expenses, what other costs should I consider? And how do people split the rest, especially personal debts? What do people do about student loans, do you overpay or take the hit of not paying for the lower paid maternity leave extending your overall repayment period?

Normally I wouldn’t consider letting my partner pay a penny of either because I made those choices but missing out on half a year full pay, and the progress of paying things off with that, is making me worried.

I was stupid and ran up significant personal debt when I was younger and I’m still paying off my large student loan. I’ve been overpaying my debt the past few years and would be rid of personal debt in 30 months and student loan free in 5.5 years without maternity leave.

I’m aware I’m incredibly privileged to worry about these things but my childhood has made me very anxious about having my own financial security, independent from my partner, after we have a child and being debt free (except our mortgage) asap has become a big goal due to that. My judgement could also be clouded by these insecurities so I want to understand a bit more about how other people approach maternity leave to be fair and equitable.

I meant a penny of my personal debt or student loan, they're both choices that I made before we were a couple and not his responsibility to contribute to pre-children.

I would expect him to split household bills like the mortgage, electric, childcare, etc and we already split our current household bills proportionally as he earns more than me due to working in tech.

All money pooled here too. SAHM
now, still the same. Works for us.

We discussed how we'd raise children, what was important to us in a family dynamic, etc quite early on because both of us wanted to be sure we had the same goals. I wouldn't invest my time (or money for a house) in a relationship where a huge gap in values could jeopardise having a family. Those discussions have naturally grown over time as friends have babies - we talk about how they've done things, if that would work for us, etc.

How we'll manage our money when we have a child hasn't come up - our friends don't talk about it and we've been focused on buying a house so all our money discussions have been how we're funding that & building work, etc.

Will you have to continue student loan payments if your income drops?
Tbh I’d try and pay off non-mortgage debt before ttc if you possibly can, even by taking on a second job. Your options to do this are curtailed by a child and your expenses will rise.

All of our money goes in to a joint account and has done since we moved in together. All bills come out, and previously we would spend whatever we wanted from the joint account and just run big purchases by each other before buying. Now however we're in a worse financial situation after covid so we put a smaller amount in to our personal accounts and we can spend that however we like for the month, but once it's gone it's gone.

Depends what you mean by both being good earners

I had 6 month full pay Mat leave and just saved the £15k needed to cover the gap in the final 6 months during my pregnancy.

My thinking is once you are a family, as opposed to 2 individuals who live together, then all money is family money.
Everything coming in to the house goes in to one account (both salaries, Child benefit + anything else you might have). Then all bills go out of that account. then, if you are lucky enough to be able to afford it you also set up standing orders to various savings accounts (holiday or next car or household emergency fund or longer term next house or support dc into adulthood or whatever your finances allow) and and equal amount each for 'spends' . Call it treats money or pocket money or private money or whatever but it is the money you can buy presents for your partner from and do whatever might be considered frivolous by the other person, but makes you feel 'treated'.

But I'd also agree with the get married first advice - doesn't have to be fancy as you've already hinted that isn't your thing anyway.

At your age I'd have the baby first then marry. We married when our ds was 3 months shy of 3 then had another baby once married. We'd actually planned it that way - the horror!

Also once you marry and / or have a baby you're a family. It's just all family money! I can't understand the concept of 'dividing the costs'.

Get married first. You are so much better protected.

Other than that, once you have kids you have to split all finances to be equal partners. So all the money goes into a shared account to pay for stuff, and then bills, pensions, mortgage and personal spending comes out. Personal spending goes into your separate accounts.

Generally everything should be equal, but if you want to take a hit on your personal spending to service your debts, then OK, but don’t nail yourself to the cross, you will get fucked off.

The only alternative to the above, which only really works if you are are equal earners is you can get paid into your separate accounts and pay out 50/50. But unless you think you will be earning equally all your life (which you won’t, because mat leave) don’t do this. The woman always looses out. If you aren’t equal earners this means a mass of spreadsheets and calculations to make sure spending is split by % according to earnings, which is v boring.

Talk about this calmly, people do get funny about money, but the point is an equal partnership means financial equality. Don’t settle for less.

Another one here who doesn't understand couples who don't pool all their money. We always have, and when our kids, were babies I had a very low paying job. Now I earn way in excess of what my husband does. Neither of us have ever begrudged the other spending money nor have we said "you earn more do you should pay more"... I just don't get it.

Of course you don't have to take maternity leave beyond 6 months, so that would solve the problem of half/no pay.

We don't split it. We have one pot of family money. The total available was less when I was on mat leave as my personal contribution was less but there was no faffing about with who got to take what out of it or what % of our earnings went into it.

I'm always amazed at how many of my friends with kids have these convoluted systems of keeping finances separate from their spouses. One, very successful career-wise friend, the other day told me that she needed her husband to 'lend' her money on mat leave so she could afford to do something. It seems crazy to me! Once you have kids, then you have to start seeing the unpaid work as equal to the paid work. All the time you are at home with the kids, is time when you could be out earning money. It will never be properly valued by your husband/ wider society if there's this weirdness about money, and the sense that the woman is 'not working' (ie earning) and it's her responsibility.
For us the obvious answer has always been a joint pot, and just basically talking to each other about what we can and can't afford (eg Im thinking about doing this weekend away with my friends- that cool with you?)
Appreciate it wouldn't work if you weren't roughly on the same page spending wise, or valuing each others contributions. But it does make me sad to hear women worrying about money when they're stepping back from work to take care of kids. You're a family now! Everyone's labour is equally valuable

We were married before we tried for children. Legally and financially it usually makes sense, especially for the mother.

You can have a very quick and cheap wedding service, if you don't want a big event. Around £100 iirr.

We just have one pot - all money is shared. Salaries etc are paid into one main account. Savings are in both names too. We do have some separate investments but that is to maximise our joint savings and money. We both have equal access to everything.

We also have a will. This was originally made before we had a child, but made in contemplation of marriage and children.