Struggling with baby and toddler

[Mamabear04]

DD is 2.10yo and DS is 6wo. I'm really struggling with it all. I can look after a baby and I can look after a toddler but I have no idea how to do it at the same time. I just feel like I'm failing them both. I struggle to spend time with DS and when I finally get time to spend one on one time with DD then DS wakes up and needs my attention. DD is a really sweet toddler but is obviously struggling with the realisation of having to share her parents and the tantrums have just exploded. She always kicks up when I'm trying to leave the house and has started throwing her toys in anger. She never means to hurt DS but there have been 2 occasions now when she has threw something and almost hit him. She also says things like, "don't feed the baby" and "don't pick the baby up" etc. She's also just been deliberately naughty pinching her Dad and bedtime is honestly like she's possessed. I feel so incredibly guilty when I can hear her say "I want mummy" when I'm having to attend to the baby and DH is with her. When I have time to play with her which for the past 3 days has been every afternoon as DS has been doing a long nap, she gets so upset when I say I need to do something else like make dinner or just take a short break. The one on one time is just never enough for her a she just wants more. Its almost like it makes her worse. She gets really angry at me. I just feel like I've ruined her life and I can't give her enough of what she needs. I also feel like I'm not able to bond with DS because I just don't have time.

I don't know what to do when they are both crying and both need me. They seem to have similar cycles and need fed at the same time and put to bed at the same time. I don't know how to do it.

I've tried putting DS in the sling but it's 50/50 whether he likes it. It's a God send when he does and when he doesn't it's a disaster. I've tried distracting DD with TV but she only lasts a couple of Duggee episodes before she wants to play again and gets upset if I can't.

DD isn't in nursery yet but my DP take her 2 days a week. DH also helps as much as he can but he works full time. My mum has been helping me get out the house this week in the mornings to get to toddler groups etc which has been amazing but I don't know how I'm supposed to do it myself (DH had 4 weeks paternity and then took 1 more week as leave because I've had problems post partum so I've only been 2 weeks solo with them).

I just don't know how to cope. I feel like I'm tredding water and if I stop I'll drown.

Sending hugs.

No words of advice but I'm expecting my second next year and worried about this situation. All the forums do say after the initial 6 months it does get easier especially when the baby and toddler can play together. I know its not helpful to hear when you're in the thick of it but hopefully knowing there is an end in sight helps.

Felt exactly the same as you, probably at a similar time frame, 6-8 weeks.
I'm no super mum and somehow it just sorted out eventually.
or maybe I picked up on the cues from both of them earlier to deescalate, no real advice just solidarity.
Had a 18mo age gap during the winter lockdown and we survived, you're in the thick of it, but you will get there.

@FredinBread how long did it take you to find your way with two of them? I'd just like some light at the end of the tunnel. You must be an amazing mum to do this through winter lockdown!!!! I don't think I would have coped with that at all!

@Rella357 I keep trying to think this way too. That having a sibling will outweigh this time in the long term and that DD might not remember it...

Not at all, didn't want it to come across like that at all! Just that eventually, way is found!
I can remember feeling lots better at the 10-12 week mark, and that should be 6 weeks of you doing it on your own, so you'll gain some on the job experience by then.
Thinking about it, just wearing out my toddler and going out as soon as physically could, meant he'd fall asleep on the way home/nap earlier so bedtime not a struggle, and I could relax with baby in nap time. This honestly saved my sanity and actually found lockdown lifting and walks with friends great for other sanity measures, but sleep/quiet time is needed for me I think! Plus, when toddler woke, a bit of TV, snack and then the gap toddler didn't seem to bad and guilt of going out is done if you can't face going again/stuck cluster feeding etc.

Hang in there, you're learning how to do two, it is hard and it's ok to find it really hard - genuinely everyone does x

When DD2 was born DD1 was 1.5yo and actually she BFd when her sister was feeding 😅

It can be challenging but you need to take the moments that are more relaxed (baby sleeping in your arms, baby feeding) to pay more attention to the older one. Reading a book, singing,..... And play it big like they're the big sibling! Ask them to help out a little. Like holding the diaper when you're changing them, wtv.

I took this time that the baby just needs to be held (get a sling if you don't have one) and not really played with so much, to directed that attention to the siblings. Actually for DD3 it was the sisters that sang songs and played games with her 😅 more than me!

Ahh I feel you honestly! I am in the same boat. Mine are two years apart and honestly I felt horrendous bringing baby home and turning my toddlers world upside down overnight, she was distraught and turned from a sweetie to a completely over-emotional, sensitive toddler with horrendous outbursts and naughtiness.

Bedtimes turned from a lovely calm routine into hours of screaming from both children. Toddler wanted me, baby needed me and I couldn’t be in two places at once, I spent many occasions lying in our bed under both of them having both cried themselves to sleep.
Yes, we had the constant ‘NO Daddy take baby!!’, ‘put baby back in mummy’s tummy’, ‘put baby down!’, it was awful. I have never felt so guilty for effectively ruining my gorgeous toddlers life. You just have to think forward to how much they will love eachother and be best friends when they are bigger.

We are now 7 months in and things are still bloody hard but so much better. We got by day by day, night by night, endless tears and tantrums (from all of us) but now baby is moving and a bit more exciting, toddler has accepted that they are here to stay and like to ‘help’.
Bedtimes are still tricky I won’t lie, and toddler is still over sensitive and emotional and I feel like I can never give either of them 100% and that makes me sad and guilty.
Try your best to spend one on one time with both of them when you can. I started bath times with my toddler which was lovely, we had closeness again. And when toddler is out I spent time with baby.
Baby doesn’t get the attention that my toddler did at the same age but that’s to be expected as they aren’t your only child.

Give yourself a break, you are doing your best and doing a fab job by the sounds of it. Take it day by day and you will see light at the end of the tunnel!
How anyone has more than two is beyond me… 😂

I hope I haven’t scared you, just thought I’d let you know you aren’t alone 😊

Toddlers don't really have empathy yet - they're still pretty much 100% self-absorbed, by design. An under 3 year old doesn't appreciate that the new baby needs lots of care and attention or that you need to spend time feeding him. They certainly don't understand that you may have other jobs to do, or are tired. They are WANT and NEED and have to gradually learn that other people also have wants and needs and that theirs can't always come first.

You can't always instantly meet the wants and needs of both a baby and a toddler, someone will have to wait and will get upset. Just accepting that, and also that it won't be the end of the world is a good first step. Most people have to share their parent time with siblings, and they come out fine. Having your needs and wants met instantly every time isn't a realistic preparation for life in school and beyond anyway!

Do you have a bouncy chair? We have the same age gap as you and dd and I used to do a lot of kiddy jigsaws, playing with toys etc at her little table which I'd pull next to me on the couch. I'd then put ds in his bouncer and just keep the chair bouncing with my foot.

Be very vocal with ds in making him wait for stuff. So if he starts to fuss, say in the same voice you use for dd "just a minute ds I'm just finishing this drawing with dd then I'll be right there" or whatever phrases you would use with dd. Then she can see that he is also having to wait.

It won't harm ds to fuss a minute or two while you finish with dd, and it also won't hurt him to lay with "nothing" to do apart from watching you and dd play together.

I know it's a cliché but time does pass! Mine was 2yr 1 month when baby was born, the first year was really hard and I'm definitely having no more children! But now they are 3.5 and 18 months, and it's so so much easier. The youngest is less of a handful than the eldest. It will get easier, it's still very early days for you and especially with it being only 2 weeks that you've had both kids on your own. You'll get into a routine and eldest will get used to baby being around and in time they won't imagine a time when their sibling wasn't here, mine doesn't

Something I found helped was that I bought my toddler a baby doll and bits of kit like nappies, changing mat, toy pram, feeding bottle etc. Then when I was dealing with the real baby she could sort of join in.

My local stay-and-play at a children's centre was also a lifesaver. Toddler was entertained while they also had all the facilities to deal with a baby. Meeting a friend there so that we could watch each other's children also worked well.

Ah OP it is so hard. Mine are 4yo and 20months now. You will just find a way. I remember the first time I had to do bath time and bedtime by myself, I just thought what on earth. But you muddle through and things get easier. DC2 was very much a passenger in the day to start with, they just slept, cuddled and watched the world around them. The whole production of you running around after a toddler is wonderful entertainment for a baby through the day. It's tough, but you will make it through, just focus a day at a time and accept all the help that's offered.

How have you been getting on?

@FredinBread thanks for checking up on me, that's so sweet of you. Things have been slowly getting better. We've had some good days and some down right awful days. It seems to be pushing a pulling. There was a week there when I thought things were getting better but then the week after was the worst for tantrums in DC1's whole life! DC2 is now 9 weeks old and DC1 finally asked to hold him. It was really sweet and she is really trying hard. I still feel like a yoyo but feel more confident getting out now that I'm feeling a little better and I think that has helped a lot. I'm still finding it sooo hard to get the baby to sleep but mainly stay asleep with a noisy toddler about. Even if I get the baby down upstairs in his moses basket he wakes up because DC1 is running around, or dropping toys or shouting excitedly or tantruming (wooden floors are a bitch!) It sometimes makes it really stressful and then I think DC1 picks up on it (she definitely picks up on it) and then it just escalates. I don't know how to navigate this at all! I've tried saying things like "let's practice walking gently in the house" but she forgets instantly and runs around like a fairy elephant. I've also tried to get her to do quiet play but she insists on playing with certain toys that when they fall they make a right racket on the wooden floors. The sound just echos right through the house even though I have white noise on for the baby.

So I guess things are getting better and I can see glimpses of what normal might look like but it still feels a long way off. My house is an absolute tip despite my OH helping out as much as he can while working FT.

Oh well I hope you're getting used to the split in two feeling! I suppose it can rearrange its head anytime (September schedule in full whack now and I'm just about getting my head around it again now) but it is particularly tricky in those early days
Good luck