Does my husband hate me?

[NKK]

Hi All,

I'm new here. Posting because I feel like there is noone in my life I can speak freely with anout the issues I have with my husband. We have been married for 6 years and have two children, 2 and 4 and I have been a stay at home Mum since I fell pregnant with DC1 at thw end of 2017 and only went back to work at the start of this year. I struggled a lot dealing with not having a job , being stuck at home, with the ups and downs of motherhood; both kids have been breastfed exclusively so I had very little time to myself and both DC are very clingy with me. As time.has gone on I found my anxiety has become worse and after finding myself being very short and angry with the children I asked my GP to help refer me to anger management. I was told I don't have anger issues but anxiety which makes me panic and feel distressed to the point I feel angry and irritable.

Anyway, the point of my post is to share that whenever we have an argument, my husband starts saying things to me like "you're a fucking twat. No wonder you need that depression course you're on. No wonder your kids hate you and are scared of you." I feel so betrayed when he does this, taking the most vulnerable things about myself I have shared and using them as ammunition against me. I never do this to him. No matter how angry I get about what has caused the argument, I always stick to the points of that particular issue. Every time he does this, he throws me off and I end up saying things like "how dare you speak to me like that? Why are you doing that?" And he replies with "oh whatever" and walks off. I then end up following him to try and drum some sense into him hoping he will realise he just said those things in anger and apologise but he never apologises.

To other people my husband is charming and kind, and he really is with them. But sometimes I feel he really hates me. Why would someone do this to the person they are meant to love?

And my kids are not scared of me. We have a really loving, close relationship and I am a good Mum but every time I lose my rag with them I immediately feel guilty and confide in my husband about how I wish I hadn't have snapped at DS or DD and I always apologise to my kids if I have been too harsh in my tone.

I feel so sad that this is the kind of person I am married to. i lost my Dad two years ago and he was the most wonderful father to us and husband to my Mum;.he would never jave spoken to my Mum like husband speaks to me. I feel so sad that I have ended up in a relationship where we speak like this to one another.

Of course it's not always like this. We do get on and have a nice time together but the arguments are always so ugly. I feel I can never say anything negative to him about his behaviour because as soon as I do, he just goes on the attack. I feel.like because I share so much about myself with him and my self reflections he feels I'm fair game to tear apart.

Just looking for some prospective from outside of this toxic dynamic I find myself in. Thanks for reading.

*perspective

I don’t have advice but I’m sorry you’re with someone who throws such things in your face, and he doesn’t even regret it afterwards? That’s so sad. I’m not sure I could deal with that. And you don’t have to.

Have you considered couples counselling

Hi AllyCatTown. Thanks for your message. If he does regret it, he never tells me. He seems like he does sometimes but he's never been taught to apologise and he sees it as an admission of guilt so will never do it.

I have suggested counselling so many times but he says he doesn't need counselling and we can work through our problems ourselves (we clearly can't). He also says he doesn't want to pay someone to hear me complaining about him to them. We have been before, a long time ago and he hated it. He doesn't like to self reflect much and all I do is self reflect.

@NKK I am so sorry you’re going through this, it’s sounds horrific. You don’t deserve this.

Your husband’s behaviour is verbally abusive, he says these things to gain control of you and to get you to behave how he wants you to behave. This is not something he has “no control” over. There nothing wrong with you, it’s his issue and he would behave this way if he were with anyone else. Anyone else would also most likely be experiencing anxiety, depression and potentially symptoms of trauma if they had to deal with this day in day out. Of course there will be good times occasionally and moments of kindness, this is common in abusive dynamics, it’s why a lot of us stay longer than we probably should

I would strongly advise against couple’s counselling in your situation, it is not recommended, because abusive partners tend not to improve as a result of it and can sometimes just use their new found communication skills as a weapon against you.

I would recommend you get in touch with Women’s Aid, have a chat with them in more detail about your situation. They will help you understand if this is abuse or if something else is going on.

Also, I would highly recommend you read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft also appears on many podcasts and you tube videos and is particularly strong on identifying the different strategies used by abusive men. Here is a link to a free PDF of this book pdfWhy Does He Do That?

This is a good first step to feeling a lot better about your life, things will get better. If you’re new here just be aware that there can be some crazy rude replies! This isn’t your fault either- it happens on almost any thread no matter what the OP is asking about. Most people want to help, a lot of them will have been through exactly what you have described and come out the other side, 💐

Thank you so much for your reply @RoundandRound123 I will definitely read the PDF and speak to Women's Aid, really kind of you to share. The weird thing is, he would never see himself as abusive and neither would people who know him outside of me. I am a confident and outspoken person socially, and he is quiet and somewhat introverted, I say somewhat because he loves chatting away to people in shops , to the neighbours and is very helpful to random people but he's not very extroverted. It would be very difficult to explain to anyone I knew that I am a victim of anything in a relationship with him.

Just to reiterate as above, don't get joint counselling because he will use things against you.
You can't change someone else however hard you try, but I think it would be really valuable to get counselling for yourself. This will validate your feelings and help you to decide who you are and what your values and boundaries are, and make a plan for your future based on what's best for you.
He is constantly keeping you in a state of emotion so you can't think straight and do what's best for you. That is not healthy and a counsellor can break you away and give you shields.
Good luck!

@NKK you’re welcome. yes what you describe is not uncommon in abuse dynamics.

Firstly, being strong and outspoken naturally yourself means it can take longer to for you to accept or understand that what he is doing is abuse. This is generally because there’s a tendency to think of conflict as a fair fight- a give and take between two angry people, but it’s not when it’s abuse. You possibly think, well I can give as good as I get if I wanted to but I’d rather not escalate so I’ll try to figure out what he’s needing from me. The partner being abusive takes advantage of the vulnerability that good intimate relationships need to thrive, it’s like a sucker punch out of the blue, unexpected and hard to defend against. This is to gain control over you, it’s a strategy not a personality type. It works on almost everyone if the perpetrator is prepared to break all the social rules most people adhere to in day to day life. They just don’t need it with most people.

Secondly, many many abusers are only abusive to one person (e.g. current partner) or one type of person (e.g. every partner). This is why abuse can be so confusing, because the abuser shows they know how to treat someone well, because you know they would never speak to their boss or their mother in this way. This is also the difference between narcissistic abusers and regular abusers. They are as bad as each other for the primary victim, but narcissists will tend to act out their behaviour and manipulation across different groups and will find it hard to keep things like a “grandiose sense of self” under wraps for long. The ordinary abuser on the other hand can be perfectly and sincerely reasonable, kind, authentic and charming with people outside of the relationship- forever. This is sadly often to do with beliefs about the role a wife (or sometimes a child) should play in their life, they may expect endless patience, kindness, acquiescence, support, sacrifice and affection from a wife. They may also expect a wife should look a certain way and carry out tasks and chores. Some men can feel aggrieved if their wife shows themselves to be smarter or more accomplished than them. When a wife deviates from what he believes a wife should be, he can feel as though they’ve been cheated out of his birthright as a man, and even that the wife is doing this out of spite. Primarily though it’s likely to just be about getting what he wants, ask yourself, what does he get out of this behaviour? More affection? More control? More reassurance? Less caring responsibility? Less challenge on how he chooses to spend his time? Less responsibility for day to day tasks?

Read the abuser types in Bancroft’s book, you will see that your husband, if he’s an abuser, is probably a mix of two or more of them, not quite fitting any one of them perfectly. It can be a sad but very reassuring read.

This is verbal and emotional abuse, @NKK .

As advised by the previous poster, you need to read up on abuse, and to contact Women's Aid.

You need to stop confiding in your abuser. He is not your friend. Do not give him the privilege of hearing your innermost feelings. He has betrayed you in a horrible way.

DO NOT GO TO COUPLES COUNSELING WITH THIS ABUSIVE MAN.

Does your workplace offer any counseling? Can you afford to see a therapist privately? You need to talk about the abuse you are suffering. Ask women's aid to give you names of therapists who 'get it'.

It sounds abusive to me OP.

I'd maybe have some counselling yourself to figure out how you feel about separating and then you could try couples counselling if you want to. But things like this just tend to get worse.

Have you got some medication for your anxiety. That's worth trying I think.

Other than that I'd pull your financials, see a solicitor so you know what your finances would be. Talk to women's aid if you need emergency accommodation. Talk to the CAB about benefits.

Once you know all that you can put a plan in place. Then if you want to try couples counselling you can, knowing that you have a path out when you want it.

That is really abusive, OP. I had one like that. He found out what my achilles' heel was to use it against me. Contrast that with another boyfriend I had who used to particularly encourage me in the areas that I felt weakest.

And yes, abusers can be nice and charm the pants off everyone else.

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. It means a lot to get an outside perspective on the situation. @RoundandRound123 I don't think I have ever had someone unexpectedly explain something so illuminating to me. I had never realised this is what could be happening. I started writing the fights down since 2015 because they baffled me so much and they all have a pattern, this kind of throwing me off the point, provoking me, gaslighting to the point I get so wound up because he's describing something I have never done or said but keeps parroting it at me until I feel like I'm going mad. And then I get upset and angry because he's not listening to the point I'm trying to (rationally!) make... it just becomes a big game to him to win.

I always thought it was because perhaps he hadn't acquired the skills or guidance to take responsibility for his own actions or to articulate his point in an argument because of an adverse childhood. I kept trying to help him communicate better with me, tried to help him realise that how he fights is not fair fighting, how his behaviour hurts me. But he doesn't ever seem to acknowledge, take responsibility or change. I spoke to Women's Aid today and the person I chatted to explained that it does sound like emotional abuse and that he enjoys provoking me to feel powerful. They also said if he's never taken responsibility and felt like he's done something wrong then he is unlikely to change. I have realised my anxiety started when I met him. He always said one thing and did another. I'm more of a straight down the line kind of person who would rather tell the truth even if it means I will not fare well for it. He's different. He seems to justify most of his behaviour.

Do you think there is any point in me trying to explain to him what he is doing? He would never think that what he's doing is abuse. He will undoubtedly accuse ME of abusing HIM for pointing it out to him. He often calls me a bully when I point out he's bullying me.

I know I can't go through life feeling like this or being treated like this but I'm so scared of telling anyone for fear they will judge him and our marriage and not see anything positive in him (there are many good traits and he's an amazing father) so I'm scared of telling my brother or my Mum for example. I feel guilty for "making a big deal" out of a petty argument (it started out petty) and breaking up the family unit my toddlers feel so secure in.

I've no idea what to do. I will read your recommended book though.
Thanks again x

Well you're not breaking up the family unit, he is, by being an abusive arsehole. And he's not an amazing father, he's abusing his children's mother. The best thing you can do is split while your children are still so young,and they won't know any different.

He is telling you what he really thinks about you. Doesnt mean that what he says is true - just thats thats how 'he' thinks about you.

When some one is actually telling you how they really feel about you - listen.

and then leave

@NKK Just wondering how you're doing and how things are since your thread? I came across it as you seem to have similarities to my situation. My DH can be quite unpleasant with me - it seems to go in cycles but I feel like each time it gets slightly worse. When things are bad, every little thing I say can be questioned, picked up on and criticised - it can get very unpleasant. I end up in a place where I get upset and angry and then say something I don't mean - then he will say something along the lines of "see, you're crazy". I find it really difficult sometimes and I'm starting to have trouble seeing what's wrong now. I also have the example you give of confiding in him on certain things, only for those things to be thrown back at me during a disagreement. This particularly hurt me recently when I confided in him on something quite specific and that I hadn't talked to anyone about before really and he just used it a few days later during an argument. I felt awful that day. I hope you're coping ok - I'd love to know if things are getting any better for you - I do hope so.

You'd be better to start a new thread, newbie, most posters will respond to the OP. But your situation is not unusual. :(

I have had a few horrendous arguments with my husband over thirty years. My husband has never said things to me like "you're a fucking twat". I imagine you would be much less likely to yell if you were rid of your husband. Imagine when your children are old enough to understand the things he says

Forget couples counselling. He knows what he's doing. He likes it. He has no interest in changing because this is who he is. He is not an amazing father if he is treating the mother of his children with this total lack of respect. Yes, people may think badly of him, but so what? He may have a few decent traits though reading your post, it seems hard to believe but that doesn't mean he is a decent human being or a decent spouse.

He is telling you what he really thinks about you. Doesnt mean that what he says is true - just thats thats how 'he' thinks about you

I disagree. He sounds like my ex, taking what he thinks you are most afraid of, the children being frightened of you, in your case, and throwing it in your face. In my ex's case, I believe it was at effort to bring me down to his level.

@Newbie321ace you are describing things that are abusive. Please call women's aid for help. You can explain what your are experiencing and get some support. As you know, you feel awful when you're husband does these things and it does generally continue to get worse and worse. Please contact women's aid for help. Also read the Lundy Bancroft book someone shared in a previous post. You do need help in your situation and you really deserve it!