Feel like the worst step parent

[Summerhol2022]

I left a very unhappy marriage several years ago but have maintained a really good relationship with SS of 20years, his partner and new baby. It wasn't always easy but I managed the step mum thing ok. I'm very proud of him and his little family.

Second time around, I've met a new man who is a single parent to two children/adult of 16 and 18.
I'm absolutely and utterly messing it up. They hate me... the 16year old is rude to my face. It's horrifying.
They lack any respect for their dad, treat him like the dogs body, trash the house, live honestly in filth...the 16year old is so, so rude that after 18months I decided to discreetly just keep out of her way entirely. I feel so ashamed about this...but I've never encountered a young person so entitled, manipulative or mean. I don't trust her at all as she lies, steals things and sneaks about. Her dad struggles with her but after 2 years together nothing has changed..and she still seems to be able to manipulate him.

I am so aware of being the evil step mum so over compensated to begin with bringing them treats and taking them out etc. I was very open with both of them about how I felt about their dad but also was anxious not to do anything to take time away from them and their dad. I don't think I've threatened their relationship at all but I have noted that they do nothing in the house to help
and that their dad is expected to drop everything at any time to sort them out /pick them up etc etc. Maybe their dad not being quite as available has upset them? I feel bad about this but I think their dad deserves a little bit of time to himself sometimes

I'm hoping over time as they grow up, that they will see that I make their dad happy...and that we can provide a stable base for them when they want to come and stay etc once they leave home.

At present I dread seeing them and it's affecting my relationship to the point I avoid going to see my partner if I know they are there.

Yes that sounds v difficult.

I would try not to take it personally. 16 year olds in particular can be a nightmare.
They may have been like this with any partner your DP has.

However I would not accept a 16 year old being very rude to me consistently and if it was me, I'd be calmly but firmly telling them that it's rude and that I won't accept them being rude to me. I'd also be questioning any parent who allowed their children to be rude like that. How does your DP react when they're rude?

I think you're doing the right thing by staying out of their way, because why put yourself into a situation where you'll be unhappy. But at the same time, if you want to spend more time with your DH and he does too, I'd be asking him to put certain boundaries in place in terms of how the 16 year old speaks to you. How they speak to him and the state of their rooms etc is not something you have control over if not living with them. But you certainly have the right to question whether you want to become more involved with someone who allows his DC to consistently treat hm badly without consistently picking them on on it. Consistently being the key word.

20 years ago there were no smart phones and social media. I am not excusing rude behavior as that has a lot to do with parenting, but times have changed and teenage expectations can be very different. Don't be hard on yourself.