Struggling with 3.5 yo

[Themenace]

I’m really struggling with my 3.5 year old’s behaviour at the moment and don’t know how to handle it to make it better for everyone.

He’s a lovely little boy but he’s incredibly emotional and tends to cry/whine/wail/scream a lot, sometimes when the smallest thing happens.

For example, yesterday he pushed his car under the sofa then proceeded to wail instantly that he had lost it couldn’t find it. He was asking me to find it but I just calmly explained I don’t wasn’t the one that lost it so he would need to look for it to find it and then left him to it but the wailing continued. This type of behaviour is constant.

One other example is when he wakes first thing in the morning (at 5am having also woken up at 3am) he wails his head off wanting to go downstairs. We have a gate on his door and generally one of us goes in with him until 6am but he just wails/screams the whole time.

He also can be quite rude, telling us both off, snatching from his little sister, telling her off, calling everyone naughty. We try and get to the bottom this by asking if he is hungry/needs to loo etc but sometimes he is just like this.

He is very loving and sweet but the constant wailing and screaming and whining is wearing me down, particularly the wake ups at night. It’s horribly being woken up by screaming constantly for 3.5 years and I just feel like I’m at my breaking point. I have told him he must not scream , introduced a reward chart , used a gro clock etc but nothing seems to work. At the moment we are using the reward chart for ice cream at the end of the week but it’s like he forgets about the chart in the morning.

I’m fairly certain it’s not night terrors as he just wants to go downstairs to play with his toys and is fine when he’s downstairs but is then erratic in his behaviour by 2pm (and won’t nap).

does anyone have any advice or is this just my life now?

It all sounds very attention seeking. How old is his little sister? Has it got worse since she came along?

That sounds difficult.

How come you didn't just help him with the car?

Maybe drop the nap, sounds like he doesn't need it if he's waking that early.

Instead of gating him in his room, could you let him in your room? My son wakes at 2am every day (and there are theories that this is actually our biological norm) but he comes into my room and goes straight back to sleep till morning.

The upset about toys etc is normal, the can't control their emotions and something game changing that my health visitor told me, is that they can't tell the difference between positive and negative attention at that age, and crave attention irrespective of which type. The reward charts aren't working because his brain doesn't work like that - he can't link ice cream once a week to not getting stressed or not waking up at night. I doubt that would work for an adult ("if you avoid feeling stressed all week and you sleep well, I'll give you a prize")

Instead you could try praising him for playing nicely on his own, changing the activity when he feels stressed, and most importantly, helping him navigate his emotions. I find naming the emotion, showing empathy and "sportscasting" helpful, so instead of telling him to get it on his own, you could try "you are feeling so upset about losing your car. Its hard when we lose things we like isn't it? Shall we look for it together? Who do you think will find it fastest?"

Are you unintentionally reinforcing the crying by spending time with him when he is screaming? What does he like most of all ? You could look up love languages and try thinking about those. From memory they are gifts, physical contact, one on one time, doing practical things and words of empowerment or something like that. If his main desire is one on one time with you and he isn't getting enough in normal life then he may have learnt to cry in order to get you to spend time with him. Grumpy mummy one to one time is better than none.

If this is the case then you need to find a way of being with him if he is upset without reinforcing the behaviour and making sure you build lots of one to one time into other bits of the day.

Also, maybe try sleeping in his room for a night - I did and realised that the teenager next door plays loud music and TV until 4am which potentially waking my son up, so I moved his bed away from that wall and I leave a fan on for white noise.

Sounds a LOT like my DD, who has just turned 4. Although she can still act as you describe, the last few months have been a little better than the ones before it, so I'm sure yours will follow the same path too! I wasn't surprised to read he has a younger sibling - I agree with PP that it sounds very attention-seeking, and I'm sure that's often the driver for my own DD, who also has a younger sibling. She was used to being the centre of attention for over 3 years (and revelled in it!) and is not really enjoying having lost that now. The only thing I don't know how to fix though is how to stop it, because we really do not pander to her when she's behaving like that, but it doesn't stop the behaviour, she can go and go and go even when we ignore her! She is persistent, I will give her that.

Have you read 'Raising Your Spirited Child'? I read that when she was much younger and do still find it helpful, some of the ideas. I also read 'How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen' when she was younger and plan to dig it back out to read again, I've probably forgot a lot of it and could do with the tools now!

Does your DS go to nursery, what is he like there? I find distraction works to some extent (sometimes), especially offering a snack or offering to go out to do something right at the point of the meltdown starting. I also find being really silly and random can sometimes snap her out of things too like she will be kicking off about something and I will just randomly open a bag of googly eyes and start sticking them on myself or something stupid and it will make her giggle and come out of the red zone. Obviously none of that works ALL the time but it does sometimes. I try to give her loads of praise when she's doing things 'right' too although I can't honestly say that seems to help I'm afraid even though it's what the HV recommended. We have found sticker charts have helped some specific behaviours too when used consistently, so for awhile we used one for 'no accidents' as she went through a period of time after DS was born where she started refusing to go to the toilet alone and so just peeing herself a lot, we also used a sticker chart for getting dressed in the mornings for awhile when she went through a phase of that being a massive issue.

The sleep is the only thing my DD wasn't as bad as yours by the sounds of it although we did have periods where it was similar, but less so with the early waking. Does he have blackout curtains/blinds? Does he have a Groblind? DD has blackout curtains + a Groblind over the summer months. We've always had a fairly strict bedtime routine and been fairly 'strict' overnight, I'm not sure if it helps or not but I like to think it did as the really bad periods with her have always been fairly short-lived, personally I feel it's because she realised fairly quickly that nothing good was going to come out of it as we would leave her wailing eventually if need be.

I had no patience whatsoever with crying for attention and go absolute zero tolerance on it. Block out the noise of the crying/wailing for yourself (close doors/headphones) and tell him to come and get you when he can talk at a normal volume and you will then help him with whatever his problem is. And, make sure you absolutely do help him when he does this.

Thank you everyone.

sorry my original post was a bit confusing - he dropped the naps completely aged 3 but he’s so tired by about 2pm but just motors through the day in a bit of erratic state getting v emotional etc. I sometimes feel like he could benefit from more sleep (or at least sleeping until 6:30/7am)

He’s been the same since his sister was born a year ago and apart from the toy snatching and telling off is affectionate towards her. I’ve taken a lot of care to spend 1 to 1 time with him and her and give plenty of cuddles reassurance and praise for good behaviour but I just can’t see it making a difference.

we have groblinds and his room is very quiet. He used to fall asleep on his own but now I have to lie in bed with him until he falls asleep

@Geneticsbunny i think I do need to find a way to be with him without reinforcing the behaviour but I’m not sure how. I think my issue is I responded to every cry instantly when he was a baby/younger toddler because I was such an anxious mother and now he’s got it into his head that this is the way to get what he wants. He gets a bit growly and inpatient if he doesn’t get what he wants immediately.

he does go to the childminder (due to start at a school nursery soon) and they never mention any bad behaviour so I don’t know if he saves it for us.

He’s still so young but due to start school next year so I’m hoping I can help him grow out of these attention seeking behaviours and also help him be less angry. We label emotions a lot and he does often tell us if he is angry or sad.

he is also very into looking at what others are doing, rather than focusing on his own thing (eg if he sees his sister play with a toy he has previously had zero interest in hr has to stop what he is doing and take it from her) and I have no idea how to stop this other than try and redirect him or take the toy away

Also thank you for all your replies. I’m so sorry my head is such a jumble at the moment I can’t get my thoughts down properly.

I hoped sleep would get better with time but it just hasn’t and right now I feel like I will never sleep for more than 4hrs at night again and it’s just so depressing 😭

Please don't leave him to cry alone as another poster has suggested, it might stop the behaviour but won't help him learn how to deal with his emotions (except teach him that he should hide them away) . I really don't think you can damage your child by being responsive, you've done the best thing for him and provided that secure safe attachment- it means he feels safe to express his (loud, crying) emotions to you. That's a really good thing, but obviously still difficult. I find responsive and respectful patenting groups really useful on Facebook for giving insights into this and some of the tougher bits of raising a small child!

If you're looking to distract him away from what's bugging him - there's a rule you could follow; add water or fresh air ! That's why we do lots of toy car washes or random afternoon baths.

I know it's rough, I promise you I birthed a champion non sleeper, and he's really only started sleeping like a normal human in the last 6 months. He dropped all naps at 18 months, and pulled an all nighter at least twice a week until this year. Being in childcare full time helps. And it coincided with us getting him a double bed in a desperate bid to get more sleep. And like I mentioned before, he is able to walk to our room and climb into bed. It's annoying yes, but less annoying than not sleeping at all. I make sure he always knows the route to us when we're on holiday etc . If you don't want him in your bed (and fair enough!) Maybe you could try a ready bed for him in your room?

This might sound Bananas to you or you might have already tried it - but you mentioned he wants to go down and be with his toys. My son chooses a "night toy" each night to take to bed with him. Sometimes it's a handful of lego in a pencil case, or a digger or car - it's different every night. He sleeps clinging to it, and it's the first thing he plays with in the morning. It's obviously irritating to wake up with hot wheels under my ribs, but he does love it, and now I think about it, the better sleep correlates to him starting to bring a "night toy" with him

I have nothing but sympathy, and also deprivation is just the absolute worst, especially with a loud frustrated toddler.

There is a difference though between leaving a child who is in distress, and one who is just throwing a tantrum. I can tell straight away which of the two my DD is doing, because I know her well. The noise sounds different, one involves lots of tears and the other doesn't, one of them she cannot just snap out of it instantly when she fancies, the other one she can (and does, if distracted or changes her mind about something etc). I wouldn't leave my child when she is distressed, but I do sometimes have to when she's throwing a tantrum (particularly because I have another child to tend to whose needs are also important).

Does he have a dummy, I guess not? A special cuddly toy or comforter to sleep with? Would it help him to listen to music or an audio story to fall asleep (or even in the middle of the night or early morning, to go back to sleep)? My eldest had her dummy until she was 3.5, connected to a Sleepytot bunny. We took the dummy away at 3.5 but she kept the bunny, and also started sleeping with an assortment of a few soft toys. She also has a lullaby player that she can turn on herself, same one since she was a baby, she falls asleep listening to it and turns it on herself sometimes in the night, it attaches to cotbars but now she's in her toddlerbed she just wedges it by the headboard.

I asked about childcare settings as I suspected he is probably the same as my DD and doesn't behave like that there. That should be reassuring to you to some extent, he obviously knows how to behave appropriately otherwise your childminder would have mentioned it to you.

Re naps, my DD still occasionally has a power nap if we have a busy day, and she's 4, but this is usually in the car. Does he like the bath? I find both my kids love baths and it helps kill some time and occupy them particularly when they're tired but it's too early for bed or whatever.