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Original poster

How involved should a husband be with newborn

44 replies

Zigzag888 · 18/08/2022 19:31

My husband works and I am on mat leave looking after 4 month old baby girl.
he has only changed one nappy in hospital and won’t do them at home. He did help for a week post c section but then it’s back to me cooking, doing most cleaning/ironing (though he occasionally hoovers, puts on a wash and iron his own shirts) but I do most housework and 99% of baby care.
i love baby so much and not meaning to sound ‘braggy’, she has been a very calm baby and I have been fortunate to not be seep deprived and manage to EBF. But I still feel that my husband couldn’t give a damn about us.

My Husband has days when he won’t engage with baby, just a ‘hello’ when returning from work, and absolutely nothing else, not even a touch let alone nappy change, story, song etc. sometimes baby cries and husband ignores her and continues playing on his phone. His step son (young teen) also has very, very little interaction with baby. I get it maybe hard for him and maybe a bit strange but it’s so sad that he pretty much ignores the baby. I have tried gentle activities to do together to try and build their relationship without forcing the issue, because my husband won’t seem to help them.

if I don’t cook tea, we don’t eat. If I don’t iron, it builds up. If baby needs nappy change, it’s got to be me.

I still pay towards the mortgage and bills (though I have reduced this slightly due to being on lower wages now I’m in Mat leave. Everything else is split 50:50 or I pay for completely such as baby clothes, homeware etc).

sorry for the ramble and questionable grammar.
Is this normal behaviour for a partner/husband who works while mum stays at home looking after baby?

OP posts:
NatMoz · 18/08/2022 19:34

I think you know it's not normal. What about weekends?

Lavendersummer · 18/08/2022 19:34

Have you asked him? As in said im doing x she needs a nappy change can you do it. I just used to hand the baby over when my DH got home from work.
It does seem he is doing very little. Maybe it’s time to find out why.

Caspianberg · 18/08/2022 19:35

Dh was super involved. He took a month off and did loads. I bf so find all feeds but everything else .

After he was back at work, he would always change Ds butt and clothes every morning after I fed baby, so I could shower and get ready whilst he sorted baby. And every evening sort meal if I hadn’t chance or take baby so I cooked, bathed Ds and butt. Weekends 50/50 on everything apart from feeds.
Ds didn’t sleep at all the first year and hated being out down, so there’s no way I could have done everything alone

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Abridget7 · 18/08/2022 19:35

No your husband is an absolute dck
This isn't normal at all. You have every right to be annoyed and I would stop cooking for that fcker asap.

Lavendersummer · 18/08/2022 19:35

Ps the young teen I would worry about less. Babies are pretty boring to teenagers really.

Hesaliability · 18/08/2022 19:36

No. That is not normal.

I mean I did the majority of the cooking & cleaning etc as DH was out working long hours & I did the night feeds as was BF but once I expressed around 2 months & we introduced occasional bottles DH got up in the night on his days off.

He also engaged every day with DC as soon as he got home from work, took DC out in baby carrier when walking the dog, did nappies etc. took DC to rhythm time classes on his day off.

It is sad your DH isn’t engaging.

fishingpaintings · 18/08/2022 19:36

His behaviour isn't normal at all.

Discovereads · 18/08/2022 19:37

No this isn’t normal and very concerning. Zero interest in a baby and zero care of the baby is building habits of neglectful parenting.

BodenCardiganNot · 18/08/2022 19:37

It's not normal in my experience or that of my family/friends. However reading threads on MN it seems that it is not unusual.
Have you told him how you feel. Why are you paying for all the baby clothes?

welshweasel · 18/08/2022 19:40

Not normal at all. My DH did half of everything in the evenings, nights and weekends. He took on more of the housework as well. I would feed the baby at 9pm and go to bed and he would sit up until the next feed at around midnight then change the baby and bring him up asleep and put in their cot. He’d then get 6 hours sleep and I would do the 3am feed, having had a decent stretch of sleep myself.

The lack of engagement is not ok and needs to be challenged before it becomes the norm.

bumbledeedum · 18/08/2022 19:42

What's the point of him?

I have EBF both mine so I do pretty much all the nights (although DP takes over if they're being particularly vile and has had to help when both need something) but he does all the bums when he's not at work. I cook, he cleans the kitchen, I do the washing, he does the bins and most the hard graft in the garden.m

babysharksb1tch · 18/08/2022 19:46

You say you have a step son. I'm going to guess he's been married and had a child before and that there was a blindingly obvious reason for their separation...

He cannot continue like this. This will build so much resentment and frustration in your relationship.

My husband sometimes needs a good nagging but tries very hard to do things 50:50.

Amichelle84 · 18/08/2022 19:48

Speak to him

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 18/08/2022 19:52

It's not normal and in fact absolutely shocking that he refuses to even change a nappy or pay towards his child's clothes.

cptartapp · 18/08/2022 19:54

You should be putting into a joint pot for all bills, proportionate to your earnings. Why are you buying all the baby stuff and paying 50% of everything else? If he's bringing in three times more for example, he puts in three times more.
Outrageous. You're being had on all fronts.

BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 18/08/2022 19:56

You know this isn't right. This isn't teamwork. Did your husband want the baby?

MeltdownCentral1 · 18/08/2022 19:58

I feel for you, OP. I think you know it's not normal at all. Have you addressed it with him? Was baby planned? Not that it should make any difference but might explain his horrible behaviour.

Perfect28 · 18/08/2022 20:01

Not at all normal. My husband cooed over our baby as much as I did and always wanted to cuddle/ babywear etc

Regularsizedrudy · 18/08/2022 20:02

He’s a shit dad and I think deep down you know this isn’t normal.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/08/2022 20:02

My dh was never great for housework etc but as soon as we had a baby he was racing home to have as much time s possible with the baby. Wanted to do everything as it was such an exciting..if tiring..time. your dp sound awful and seems to be totally uninterested in his baby. Shame on him.

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/08/2022 20:04

What do you get out of this relationship?

AnnaMagnani · 18/08/2022 20:06

It's not normal and neither is that you are still paying 50% for everything out of your personal account.

I'm already guessing that your 50% includes paying for all the baby expenses by yourself. Please say this isn't so.

You are supposed to be a team, not one of the team being a general skivvy and going without to sub everyone else.

catsnore · 18/08/2022 20:17

As a comparison, today my oh: did half the baby care this morning before work (enabling me to have a shower and get dressed). Came home from work early so I could do my work for a bit. Cooked half the dinner (I finished it off) while we juggled the baby between us. Cleaned and washed up while i bathed the baby and put older child in the shower.

He's not perfect by any means (nor am I!). But we try and teamwork it. He can't breastfeed the baby - but he can look after our other child. He interacts and plays with them both. Does plenty of running around.

When we had our first baby it took us both a long time to adjust to things. There were a lot of arguments and both trying to avoid work and grumpy tired sniping. It's been a lot easier this time around - maybe he needs to adjust his thinking or expectations. Do you ask him to do things? Or list out what needs doing and give him a chance to choose?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 18/08/2022 20:18

My partner was and continues to be very involved, nappy changes, night feeds, playtime, giving me a break, housework, bottles, you name it he does it, we are a great team!

Original poster
Zigzag888 · 18/08/2022 20:32

NatMoz · 18/08/2022 19:34

I think you know it's not normal. What about weekends?

I guess I know this isn’t normal but sometimes it’s hard to know if I’m just being sensitive, I don’t really have many mum friends yet to speak to about this sort of thing.
weekends are usually husband going to play sport on a Saturday, and Sunday is usually a day where we dont do much

OP posts: