How to cope with tantrums - out of my depth

[neverfade]

My son is nearly 2.5 and has tantrums or moments where he just screams and i don't really know how to handle it. He is speech delayed so I think sometimes this is why he gets frustrated but he is making progress with this. He also seems to get super frustrated when he can't figure out how to do something. My DD was never like this so I really don't know how to handle it and I find it very hard some days. I try to pacify him or ignore but I'm not sure this works. My DH has lost it with him a few times snd that does stop him but it feels awful shouting at him but maybe he is being naughty and needs discipline, I just really don't know

He’s not being naughty. He doesn’t need punishment.

He isn’t able to regulate his emotions yet and your job as a parent is to teach him how to do that. Ignoring him or shouting at him won’t work.

You need to help him recognise his emotions (so name them), understand them and show him how to deal with them.

It might look something like this: “I can see that you’re mad because you wanted to play with the glass. It is not safe to play with glass so we need to choose another activity. Would you like to do X or Y?”

If he is too emotionally disregulated to make a choice then hug him until he calms down.

By ignoring him and shouting at him you are teaching him to bury his emotions and that his feelings aren’t valid. They might be trivial to you but they are important to him.

Alongside the above I'd recommend you read how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk and the book you wish your parents had read.

Thank you for these recommendations. I've reached out to friends and to family for advice but everyone says 'oh he'll grow out of it' or 'oh that's the terrible twos' but I really feel like I need some proper solid advice or guidance on how to help him and how to navigate this stage. I'll look at these

Thank you for the advice. This is exactly what I thought re shouting. Yes it stops him so it 'works' but he's behaving that way for a reason and I don't want him to quash his feelings, I just need help with how to deal with them. The practical advice of what to say is good- it sounds simple but when everything's kicking off it's easy to lose your cool so I'll definitely try this.

Re the ignoring thing- so much advice out there says to ignore the tantrums but when they're screaming their heads off that's very difficult to do and also seems wrong! This is first time as a parent I've really felt out of my depth. I feel embarrassed posting here asking for what is probably basic parenting but it's just not something I've experienced before and it's hard to know what's normal or what to do

Ignoring is easy. You either leave the room or you lift them up and put them out in the hall.

I don't think there's a one size fits all approach in my experience. It can be anything from getting them a drink or snack through to ignoring them to cuddling to carrying them off under your arm.

I think the key things are to stay calm, acknowledging their feelings (I can see you are angry/frustrated/sad), putting in boundaries (I can't let you hurt me, that child, my brand new chair...) and then a nice big cuddle when it's over.

With ignoring, I found with DD that she'd often blow up just before bed and that engaging would prolong it. Ignoring her, while she's in the safety of her home knowing where her parents were, often meant she worked through it and she would go off to bed fairly quickly. If we engaged it was like a red rag to a bull, it was like she was so tired she just needed to wear herself out and any stimulation was just too much.