Awful behaviour please help!

[Upstairsforthinking]

I've posted this in behavior/development but only recoeved one response.

Im in desperate need of some advice regarding my 5 year old DS behaviour.

He is an anxious little boy which was first picked up as things started opening up during the pandemic.

He dominates every single situation presented to him. He doesnt care for peoples feelings and seems to enjoy pushing people to the edge of sanity. He angers very quickly, he tells us he hates us, wants new parents, were horrible ect. He gets in our faces to try and act threatening. He has ruined every meet up with his friends, my friends, grandparents ect and can be really quite spiteful and hurtful to people.

Having said the above, he can also be very fun, intelligent, athletic, and sensitive. I know deep down that I've got a lonely little boy with no siblings or cousins, he is anxious and just crying out for attention but is also in need of some firm bounsaries but I have no idea where to start.

Please help. It's got to the point where If I were to punish everything he does wrong, I will be punishing him all day every day. I just need some suggestions of suitable disciple for a 5 year old which takes into account his anxiety.

Thanks for reading!

Why would you accept the opinion of his teacher when you are the parent and have known him all his life? If you think he might be neurodiverse talk to your GP and do something about it. His teachers won't diagnose him for you, and tbh most teachers know f all about neurodiversity,

Google 'coke bottle effect'

DS is also a seriously picky eater with tactile clothing issues.

He is diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder (needing to touch and bump things) but negative for autism / adhd.

It is interesting how these things go together.

We had occupational therapy for the sensory processing which was helpful, we chose a series of sensory tools to manage his explosive feelings. E.g. weighted lap cushion, fidget toys, quiet corner, downward pressure on his shoulders.

I think you’ve realised that if you keep pandering to his anxiety at the expense of other boundaries, you’re going to raise a little tyrant. I think it shows great insight to recognize this and you are very brave. I would start with some firm, black and white boundaries, like “These are the choices, this or this?” (Always between two things) and if he kicks off, he has devices removed, etc. It’s absolutely not too late to turn him around.

You and his dad need to talk about the different ways of disciplining him, decide together what you are happy/unhappy with and stick to it. You both have to present a united front and be doing the same things. You also need to be consistent with it. These are things that have really helped us.

Also make sure you start on a day you have lots of willpower. The sooner you start the sooner you'll see the change you want. Good luck.

Very often we reprimand, and teach our children by saying « no, don’t do that ». While the idea is sound enough we need to finish it off by telling /teaching them what TO do instead.

They are young, we should not presume knowledge!

DS - I see you are angry - here try to get it out this way instead (pound a pillow, play drums, kick a ball) etc.

I also found a scene in a Harry Potter film very effective- the principal takes away points for various bad behaviors BUT gives back some for good character, effort, and so on. My children responded very well to that - I think it was the flexibility and recognition of effort that got them.

Your son may have a diagnosis in his future.

Or he may simply be 5.

We find that helpful with our son, who had autism and adhd. I never tell him what he can't/shouldn't do but what he should. It keeps the conversation far more positive.

Also instead of giving demands we ask would you like to? Our son is quite demand avoidant, especially when he is havinb a vwry anxious period so this doesn't always work but it certainly works better than flat out demands.

Someone else might have suggested this, but a couple of really great books are 'how to talk so kids will listen', '123 magic' and 'playful parenting'. All 3 are split between rewarding good behaviour (I don't mean actual rewards) and discipline. They are two sides of the same coin. I found doing some reading up had been really useful. Parenting is a skill that we all need to learn, after all. Especially with more of a challenging child.

Thank a lot for all of your advice.

The reason we havent chased an ADHD or Autism diagnosis is because our DS's behaviour could be down to a huge number of things. We didnt know whether this was caused by the pandemic and his life dramatically changing overnight, we didn't know if it could be due to not socioaising with anyone outside the family for 18 months, our lack of boundaries or him simply just acting his age which let's be honest every 4-5 year old will turn into a terror without boundaries!

I will be speaking to the SENCO at school when he returns so its atleast on their radar. If I'm going to chase a diagnosis I will need school on side because like I say, he will follow instructions at school. This may be masking or this may just be because they've had firm boundaries and consequences since day 1.

Thank you for all of the advice. I've got a lot to look through and will then make a solid plan.

Also, apologies for the spelling mistakes! 🙈