Sleep deprivation making me feel anger / rage towards kids

[Phshdh7766]

I have a 2 year old and 8 month old, my youngest is going through a regression or something and waking every 10-30 mins all night. Breastfed and cosleep. It’s been going on for two weeks and she woke every 2-3 hours before that and this time I can’t nap in the day because I have a toddler. I have no help from family and feel like I’m going insane.

my parenting style when I’m not horrifically sleep deprived is very gentle / attachment parenting, cosleeping, etc but I feel like I have no patience with toddler, feel anger and rage and actually felt like I wanted to hurt baby in the middle of the night and then feel like I want to Kill myself for thinking like this as j love her so much but It feels like torture. Last night she woke freywnelt and she was also awake fully from 2-5. Husband helping by sleeping with toddler who started waking again but still have no sleep and I would hate myself so much for sleep training as I don’t believe in it. I feel like I’m failing both of them so much and my toddler is having tantrums all the time because she doesn’t get enough attention but I can’t stand being around her when she screams all day and I have no one on one time to give her right now.

I’m so worried I’m going to lose control I went for a walk today and was worried I’d walk in front of e car. I don’t really want that it’s more intrusive thoughts I think but I don’t know how to keep going on like this

I could have written this a few months back, it’s very frightening

please contact your GP and tell them you need urgent treatment and that you’re having suicidal thoughts. ADs saved me so please give them a try while things are so tough x

Oh gosh OP this sounds really difficult. I know that feeling of sleep deprivation so well.

The first thing you need to do is catch up on some sleep so that you feel able to think through your options. Can your husband take over very early this evening (both children) so that you can get a very early night and repeat until you feel better, plus some long lie-ins at the weekend?

I know you say you don't believe in sleep training, but could you start trying to get your toddler sleeping more independently so that your partner can share the load with the baby? I get not wanting to sleep train, but you do need to find some balance if you're feeling like this. You want to be able to enjoy your children instead of feeling so knackered and stressed out. I have a book about gentle sleep training methods- it never worked for DS as a baby but some of the toddler strategies were effective. I can't remember what it was now but I'll dig it out later and let you know. Involved no leaving to cry.

I'm going through this level of wake ups and even at its best baby has only ever gone 2.5 hours between wake ups. She's one now. My sleep deprivation related rage is coming out towards my husband which is better I suppose but it's not good for our relationship. He does his share of wake ups but she just wants to feed back to sleep and during this current leap it is hard!

Can you speak to someone from your breastfeeding support team for a handhold through this phase? Your GP has already been mentioned.

The other thing you could try is expressing then swapping over so you're with your toddler some nights?

I'm sorry it's so rough for you at the moment. Your mental health needs some TLC.

Honestly if you're getting to that stage where intrusive thoughts may be turning into impulses, book yourself a night away in your own in a local hotel and just sleep.

I really feel for you. I have a newborn and toddler and older children and it is constant. I think a lot of what you expressed is fairly common but do get help.

If a night away isn't feasible Tell your husband to pretend your not here and make yourself a bed as far away from the family as you can, even in the car.

Give formula to the baby for a couple of days, I'm breastfeeding and giving my baby every so often had saved my sanity.

You need to prioritise yourself as much as you can for the next while. Your hormones are only settling and pnd can come and go.

Don't be feeling guilty about the toddler they are mad and I say that with love. The temper tantrums are awful but try not to feel it with them, because 5 minutes later they will be grand but you will still be processing that emotion in your body. Can you talk to your husband?

At 8 months it’s safe to leave your you youngest with your husband for a good few hours without a breastfeed. Baby can have a yogurt, some food and water, or a cup/bottle of formula and it won’t have any negative effects on your continuing to breastfeed. You can express a bit if you need to relieve engorgement but you might find you don’t need to if it’s only 4-6 hours or whatever.
Can you get some sleep this evening if your husband takes them round a friend’s/family member’s place. Or you go and sleep in a friend’s spare room for a few hours?
Sleep is the answer OP. Leave the kids with someone safe (their dad is the obvious choice!) and have a nap.

I could have written this word for word myself a few months ago. I also have a 2 year old and 8 month old. Baby wakes regularly at the moment and is bf so it's me who does all the night wakings. I would definitely get in touch with your gp. It sounds a bit like depression, which is not helped by sleep deprivation. I was started on a low dose of anti-depressants and it has helped me greatly. I am still sleep deprived, but coping much better through the day.

Thanks I’m worried about contacting GP as I don’t really want any kind of record of me feeling like this …I am already having private therapy. I worry about antidepressants because when I sleep I feel happy and ok so I don’t think it’s PPD So much as actually going insane from zero sleep :( I worry that antidepressants can make you feel temporarily worse I’ve heard and I can’t afford to feel worse at the moment.

i will try expressing so I can swap with husband. I’ve tried this for parts of the night but I’ve got myself in such a mess now I have insomnia when I can sleep and stress about being away from baby even though I feel bad being with her as well. I had bad sleep deprivation with my first but never felt angry with her …I don’t understand why I feel like anger forwards her she’s the sweetest most lovely natured baby, my first was a nightmare and I still didn’t feel like this.

What would you prefer - sleep training or a dead baby because mum has fallen into a coma on top of her. She is never going to remember sleep training when she grows up, she's too young.
The toddler will remember mums bad moods and rage though.

She won’t remember is such a crap argument. Sorry but it is. My toddler wouldn’t remember if I smacked him or shouted at him, but it doesn’t mean those things aren’t harmful.

But with that being said OP, why are you so reluctant to consider sleep training? It really doesn’t have to be horrible.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky i know this is what I’m thinking probably has to happen because I can’t carry on like this

@Neverfullycharged i tried sleep training ‘gently’ with my eldest and it upset so so much and I found it only worker for a while and then you had to keep repeating which was horrific. My own mum used to ignore me for days as a child and be quite neglectful so I just have very low tolerance for anything that I feel is not being responsive to their needs but I think it’s probably better than me ending up hurting myself or worse

Worry about sleep training tomorrow OP. This evening you need to maximize sleep but having a few hours where you can’t hear your baby or toddler if they cry.
I get the insomnia thing too. It’s so frustrating. But it’s still worth getting those few hours alone even if you only manage to sleep for half the time. Having space to relax without hearing your baby cry will help.

It's not safe to be so sleep deprived. I think the co-sleeping, gentle, attachment parenting style seems better for the baby. I don't believe it is - a Mum who is well rested and able to cope is better in my opinion.

Would you consider top up of formula? Sorting out a routine?

Can you afford a childminder a couple of mornings a week? It sounds like the toddler might need it.

You should sleep train - but make sure baby is not hungry & hasn't been napping all day. It's not fair to leave them hungry and wide awake.

It’s hard

It might be worth trying and then revise in a few months. I mean, if it’s not working, that’s fine. But I found it worked so quickly with my toddler - I went through utter hell (honestly!) and was so annoyed it turned out to be so easy in the end.

@Neverfullycharged i think I’ll have to try something. with my first it was very hard but her temperament was / is very different so it maybe just wasn’t for her. My second is more chilled out really…I can cope with waking every 2-3 hours for a quick feed and I know this regression will end but I also know it can last weeks / months and I don’t think I’ll last that long. I’ve got 2 bottles expressed in the freezer so will get husband to have her tonight then I can think clearly and make a plan. Husband does nothing but winge the next day if I ask for help but I’m just going to have to ignore him as I don’t feel safe to do the night tonight otherwise

@converseandjeans ive tried formula but she came out in hives and sick, just recently confirmed milk and egg allergy so it’s pain but i can express. That’s why I’m a little apprehensive about sleep training at this age as sometimes it will be genuine discomfort and I hate the thought of leaving her in pain.

Hi Op, I'm sorry you feel this way. You need sleep ASAP. Could your husband book a couple of days off?

Could your husband help you to catch up on sleep in the weekend? Ask for help, family, friends etc.

This is Ok to feel some rage towards kids and at your wits end, but you have to find a way to deal. Interestingly when I feel this I am not only tired, but have eaten foods that make the liver "hot" (this is an auyurvedic term, which is the source of anger). If you can cool down your liver you will find you have more patience, so avoid red meats, alcohol, fatty, salty foods and caffeine and go for more calming diet. All this stuff is online.

Also, nap when you can, read a little on sleep hygiene (no screens for yourself a certain amount of time before bed etc) and treat yourself everyday in some way, I had some lavender oil so I put it in a spray bottle and mixed it with water and just a squirt before bedtime makes me chill out a little. You will get there be patient with yourself, you can do it! x

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Is toddler in any form of childcare? I have a new baby and would be cracking up without the days my DD is in nursery!

@Phshdh7766

I've tried formula but she came out in hives and sick, just recently confirmed milk and egg allergy so it’s pain but i can express

Yes I can see why you don't want to leave her in pain. I don't think I would either. Does she eat much solids? Would it work to give her a snack like rice cakes before bedtime? I think you can get formula for babies with milk allergies.

It's not sustainable for you to be up all night so you will need to get DH to help out. Can he take a couple of days leave to help out? Do you have anyone who can help with the toddler for a few hours a day?

Well there are a lot of opinions about rather I’m wrong or not but I sleep trained because I felt this anger & exhaustion , at one point I was so tired with my newborn I saw a hallucination of them standing in the crib. Thankfully God carried me through that. My husband was working 80hrs a week. Literally left in the am and came back at night. I really had no help so when my baby was older like around 4-5 months I decided to be selfish and save myself by sleep training. It wasn’t so bad because he actually didn’t cry as much as I thought he would & it was an easy transition for him but every baby is different. I’m not saying u should sleep train I’m just saying your mental health is important to everyone’s safety in that house. If you fall apart everyone falls apart. I would rather a baby cry it out than to have thoughts about hurting my baby. For me sleep training was about survival not laziness or being mean to my baby. I know this is an older post so this response is for anyone who’s reading it & struggling with what to do. Talk to your doctor & do what’s best for your family.