Advice on child contact

[FlyingSaucerss]

I will start by saying I am a lone parent my ex hasn’t had contact with our children in 18m I’m going to try to get my ex to have contact with the children again, he stopped contact 18 months ago, I’m going to reach out and see if he would like to see them again as it’s too much on my own, I’m really glad so many women who are single mums seem to manage it just fine and say how great and easy it is on their own but I just haven’t found this at all, I have no family help (they refuse) so no support there and my children have some disabilities that make things harder for me doing it alone and I can’t keep on like this.

The trouble we had last time is we don’t agree with contact and how it should work, my ex only wanted to see the children if he could have them at my house so come down to see them, he wouldn’t take them to his or have them overnight due to his living arrangements, I didn’t want him at my house as it was making me uncomfortable, we tried with him seeing the children by taking them on days out but that didn’t work either as he seemed to not want to travel so far just to take them out for a few hours, he would end up taking them to the park and bringing them back after 45 mins claiming they asked to come home but even that he didn’t stick to (I asked the children why they wanted to come home they said they didn’t 🤷‍♀️) he has no family to take them to so can’t have them at any one else’s house, how can contact work in an impossible situation like this?

I think you need to accept that your ex doesn't have any interest in seeing his children, and proceed accordingly. Trying to force him to spend time with them is a fools errand, and you'll just end up making your kids feel unwanted on both ends.

Could you drop the dc to him? Why aren't his living arrangements suitable? At least tic they were in his area though he'd have to entertain them a while then spend time getting them back to you however if he's that disinterested is it really what's best for the dc?

He will make excuses until you agree he comes to the house. You don't want this. It isn't parenting it is him ticking the box. By all means approach him about contact. But be clear how this looks. And don't expect him to step up because want him too. He has clearly shown you and the children they aren't a priority to him do they need that in their lives?

You can't force someone to have their kids, if he doesn't want to, which he clearly doesn't, then asking him to now after 18 months of no contact isn't going to change. Chances are your kids would see him as a stranger- where would you expect them to go? Would you allow basically a starter to take them and safely look after them, given he didn't previously manage them for very long? I'm sorry you're struggling, and the lack of support must be hard, but I really don't think you're going to get that support there.

It wont work. Whether it feels like it or not right now, this isnt the way you make your life easier.

Sometime we cope not because your some miracle single parent but because we have no other choice

I dont think any lone parents find it easy. They may prefer not having a partner in terms of a relationship and be happy with that but i dont think anyone finds being solely responsible for kids easy. I think its also probably a journey towards acceptance.

Will your kids be disappointed if he has contact and it peters out again? Are they resilient enough to deal with if it doesnt work out.

I think you are in a bit of a beggers cant be choosers situation. Be realistic hes only going to come round once a week or fortnight and hes only coming if jts to your house. Id hate it too. But i think if i was desperate enough id go with it. Even doing your foodshop alone, or having a coffee in a cafe, or sitting in the library and reading a book will be enjoyable. The first time you might only be able to go out for 30 mins but if he keeps showing up you could build it up.

Is any respite or additional help available with the kids having disabilities? Are you claiming everything you can for their disabilities? Could it be spent on anything to make life easier like a babysitter or a cleaner.

Also remember that its the school holidays. Its tough for everyone being out of routine. Can you take a days annual leave or even a sick day from work when the kids are back?

Sounds like he doesn’t want to see them unless you are around and then you don’t get a break.
you can’t make him see them, but you can make sure you get 100% child maintenance and use that to book nursery/ after school clubs / babysitters to ensure you do get some child free time to yourself.

I’m only basing it on what I read, I’m on many single parent groups and even on here people say how much easier it is being a single parent and how it’s so much easier doing it alone than being with their ex, sorry but I don’t find that to be true at all, I haven’t had one night to myself in 5 years. I don’t get any maintenance, he doesn’t work or claim benefits, that’s why he doesn’t have them because he is renting all the rooms out in his flat so they are unable to go there, they also can’t go to clubs dd because she needs a 1:1 which isn’t provided and ds refuses to go to clubs as they are all football or sports based around here and he doesn’t like sports, I’ve sent him before but he will behave badly and they will call me to collect him so that’s not really an option anymore, their father lives 2 hours away from me so that’s why I don’t think he can be bothered with travelling so far just to take them out for the day that’s why he wants to stay at mine but that is not an option and he has created the situation meaning he can’t ever have them at his, we’ve tried him having them at mine but I don’t feel comfortable with that situation and I have no where to stay so he could have them whilst I wasn’t here, if I stayed in my room he didn’t like it and said I was being weird.