I wish dd11 disliked her dad

[Keyboardtime]

I just need to vent some controversial feelings somewhere.
I split up with exDh 7 years ago and for most of the time since, he has been difficult to co-parent with. We sorted out shared care arrangements between us and it was the biggest struggle of my life because when she was younger, he was extremely possessive. Never brought her back at the time we agreed, he was always late, to have the upper hand. At one point he tried to use some of my time with her and give it to his mum. He would belittle and gaslight, tried to convince his family that I was making life hard for him, neglecting dd etc. It was Hell. I started having panic attacks and needed anti-depressants. I fought against all this at every turn and was never a doormat.
He will do things like book holidays for him, his gf and DD without so much as asking me beforehand. Bought dd a phone when I asked him not to (she was 8 and already had a tablet). Is also happy to "tell" me dates and times that I will have to have dd as he will be away etc. Basically he has no respect for me but I'm very convenient as the parent that is always available. I always worked part time around dd's schooling and with the constant mental battle, only had the energy to go to work, and be a good mum. I had a lot of anxiety for years.
I hate him and wish dd did. She does not. She is happy to split her time between both homes and although she has come to a few realisations about her dad's behaviour, it doesnt really faze her.
I know I shouldn't feel like this but I would feel validated if she hated him. She has enjoyed holidays with him and his gf, but turned down a holiday with just me a couple of years ago because she felt it would be "boring" with just the two of us - this still hurts me now. Sure enough the pandemic happened and the holiday had to be cancelled. With her being older now she is even more vocal about how she feels and just hasnt expressed any sort of desire for us to have any kind of trip away together, it upsets me so much now that I don't want to consider it anymore. Although I have been very present and enjoyed every aspect of her childhood, and we have been very close, turning down a holiday with me has felt devastating.
Basically I feel like exDh has wrecked my mental health and "won". There has been no consequences because I have bent over backwards to compromise on dd's behalf, for her to now lay down the law with me about what she wants, yet go along with whatever dad wants to plan and do.
I feel sad and bereft. Has anyone been in this situation before?

I think it's quite normal for kids to start to find extended 1:1 time with their parents less appealing as they get older. Are there other kids/family at her dad's?

No siblings there, she is an only child.
Funnily enough we've just had a situation where dd used foul language to a friend via WhatsApp so after letting exDh know, I said I would lock her phone as some kind of punishment (she is at his house and her friend messaged me screenshots) - he didn't acknowledge what dd had said at all but went mad because I took it upon myself to lock her phone while she was in his care. He has equal control of her phone and wouldn't even discuss any sort of solution or punishment, just threatened to take me off the app. This is how things always end, where I feel small and powerless and worried that DD will turn into him. I've sat and cried since.

Hi. This sounds tough, I can't imagine being in your situation, your ex sounds so frustrating. I know you feel he has 'won', but if it's any reassurance your daughter is still so young, and the fact that she recognises his behaviour is questionable is a good start, because as she gets older and sees things differently she might think about that a lot more. I have 3 half siblings and both my dad and their dad were quite mentally abusive and could be manipulative to our mum, although we all had regular timetables we would swap between mum/dad. We all went through a phase of preferring dad when we were younger but as we've grown older we've come to understand, them for their father, and me for mine, that they aren't perfect and they did make things difficult for our mum.

It's not to say we have a bad relationship with our dads but don't favour either parent at all and we can sympathize with our mum for all she had to put up with (we sometimes laugh about how stupid and rude the dad's were too lol). Your daughter is still so young and children go through phases at that age of who they like 'better' which goes away when they get that insight and thinking that comes with growing up. I hope that makes sense I'm pretty sleep deprived here haha but I wouldnt try too worry too much

Yeah I wish ds didn't like his dad either his dad has cut down contact to the bare minimum but ds is adamant he has to see him no matter how inconvenient it is he falls over himself to see him go out for a short drive and come home if I wanted to take him out for a short drive he says no because its "their" thing not ours I used to take him to a park I can't anymore because that's the park his dad took him too ffs I took him there loads suddenly I cannot I feel controlled by the pair of them his dad can move house im not allowed because this house is the house his damm father used to live in can't ho on holiday because his dad might miss him however his dad can go on holiday and dump him throughout the pandemic with zero consequences honestly when he grows up I hope he looks back in shame how much he has pushed at me for daring to enforce boundaries and accountability

Look he sounds like an ass, but you are giving him way too much power here. Maybe seek some kind of mental health support but you have to learn to let this go. She loves and enjoys her dads company, great! He is her dad, you chose to have a child with him and unless you feel like he puts her in danger what they do, who she sees and how he chooses to discipline her when she's with him is nothing to do with you. I get it's hard, sometimes when I see my ex and his partner playing happy families with my girls my heart aches, but that's my problem. I have chosen to fill my time without them with things I love and people who support me. Would this be possible for you. Distraction at first will turn to detachment

I think your unreasonable for wanting her to dislike her dad. She probably picks up on how much you dislike him. Most 11 year old don't like to spend time with their parents. Ultimately, they don't have a choice You are her mum and she goes where she is told and does as she is told in your care. IWhen she is at her dad's he is responsibiefor her instead of blocking her phone you should have forwarded him the messages and asked him to let you know what punishment he feels is appropriate and for how long so you can follow through at home.

Thankyou for your replies and I sympathise with those who are going through the same kind of struggle with an ex partner. @Whatever00 - he did not care what she did or the language she used. He just cared that I blocked her phone. He was never emotionally supportive while we were together, or towards DD, so I don't know why I expected it now.

This is really tragic. Your daughter is entitled to enjoy her relationship with her dad - to wish that she disliked him is awful to be honest, even if you despise the man. Maybe some therapy would be useful so you can work through your feelings without them impacting your daughter - she will no doubt be picking up on these negative vibes.

I agree with therapy so you can work out your feelings about what is a very difficult relationship.

but turned down a holiday with just me a couple of years ago because she felt it would be "boring" with just the two of us

This struck me though. At the time she was 9 - correct? A 9 year old shouldn't have a choice to turn down a holiday. You pick a holiday that she might enjoy and then you say "we are off to XYZ!" and if she says "it will be boring with just you" you say "not at all, it'll be great". And yeah you might feel a bit hurt but don't dwell on it. This is child-rearing. It shouldn't even be a consideration for her to turn down a holiday.

With regard to the swearing thing, I also think if the position was reversed, you would hate him imposing a consequence on her during your time with her.

I have no doubt he is an arse who is a nightmare to deal with but like someone said, you are making him way bigger than he is. I honestly think you should talk to someone and strategise how you will grey rock/ignore him for the majority of the time.

My friend had similar experiences with her son and ex. I promise you, your daughter will eventually wise up to what he's like and realise what you had to endure. It'll take some time yet. So for now bide your time

How old is she?