My daughter is reluctant to see her Dad

[Bally13]

My daughter is 12. I left her Dad when she was 5 months old. I had suffered years of abuse from him and didn't want her growing up around it. I have never stopped her from seeing him. At first he wanted her every weekend and I would take her the 70 miles there and back and include all her meals. Eventually I saw a solicitor and managed to change it to every other weekend.
He is controlling and sometimes aggressive with her. He hasn't hit her, but attacks solid objects instead. She has started to self harm now and has anxiety. I know the courts would insist that she goes but I actually don't want her to now. He is doing the same to her as he did to me. He is basically a bully. He has never paid any maintenance for her and I haven't pursued that as I have politely asked in the past and he simply doesn't see why he has to! He also has her for a week at Xmas, Easter, and two weeks in the summer holidays. He makes demands at short notice. She misses out on so much as she wants to pursue hobbies etc, go to friends parties but he is inflexible with anything. She is frightened of him and I can't protect her. We dread the time when she has to go. What on earth can we do? There is nothing arranged at the courts as I know it won't make any difference.

I'd just tell him no. She doesn't feel safe and doesn't want to come. By the time he gets it to court she will be old enough to have her own wishes taken into consideration. Usually 12, but mostly by 13.

My DD has been refusing contact for months for similar reasons. I have neither encouraged her or otherwise. Her father knows he will never manage to force her in court and has left it to her to decide.

He doesn't get it. Rather than threaten me (he knows it no longer works) he is trying to control her through fear. I had a recent free session with a solicitor who advised he would still be given the right to see her regardless of her mental health. Even if it's only supervised visits. The bottom line is, the courts aren't interested in how she feels.

You sound very sure of the Court's position yet you say there is no Court Order?
If she is frightened of him and there have been incidents where he has been violent in front of her, making her fear that she is danger of being physically hurt, that is assault, and I think the courts would take that into account.
You/she need to make notes of when these incident have happened.
Maybe he would take it to Court, maybe he wouldn't, it can be quite a long time for cases to get to court these days. So in your shoes, I'd not send her for contact if she doesn't want to go. Are you still taking her there?
I'd also make a formal CM claim, it is irrelevant what he thinks about whether he should pay, the law says he should.
As for supervised visits, this could be a short term answer, depending on who was supervising. Do you have anyone suitable in mind?

If there's no court order, why would you force her to go? He can take you to court if he wants to, and you can provide every scrap of evidence you can to support your daughter. She's of an age where her wishes will very much be taken into consideration.

He's paying no maintenance. Just say no. He can go to court if he wants to see her

Similar situation. My DD is 10 and refuses to go. Hasnt for over a year. Her F is too lazy and too much of a shit father to even bother to threaten court let alone do it.
Don't send her and definitely don't take her. Let him do whatever he wants. The courts can't force her to go there at her age. If he doesn't pick her up or pay any CM he probably can't be arsed to do much about it.

Firstly, go straight to child-maintenance.service.gov.uk/get-help-arranging-child-maintenance/?utm_source=Referral&utm_medium=GOV_UK&utm_campaign=how-to-apply and start a claim. Even if you don’t need it per se, this is money for your daughter so you should be claiming it.

Next time contact is, if she doesn’t want to go, inform him 24 hours ish in advance that she’s refused (simply out of courtesy). If he wishes to see her he’ll need to go to court and at 12 years old her wishes will be taken into account very much, especially since she’s had contact up to this point and can give specific reasons why she doesn’t want to go anymore. You could offer email or letter contact as it will be harder for him to bully/abuse and provides handy evidence if he does try.

Let your daughter know you’ll fully support her in her choices.

Stop taking your daughter. Protect her so she knows that you support her. You know what it is like. As others said, he can pursue a court order and she can document her concerns. Don't give up on her.

My solicitor advised me that the courts feel very strongly about children maintaining contact with the Father and although they would take her worries into consideration they are unlikely to take much notice believe it or not. I was also advised that if I stopped her visiting that that would work against us should he take it to court, which he would.
I feel like we are trapped.