My DD has so much attitude, am at my wits ends!

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DD is 12 and half and I am more than fed up of her behaviour/attitude. She is constantly rude and grumpy, usually with her younger brother, answers me back, despite almost daily reminders her room is always a mess and clothes all over the place. She lives purely for her dvds and computer contact with friends, she has absolutley no other interests at all. I have tried beyond belief to involve her in clubs and outside activites but she has always said "no, I don't want to". I think a large part of that is because she is she shy and now I blame myself that she has no interests as I am thinking perhaps I should have made her do things. She has opted out of going on a wks holiday with the sch to cyprus (I thought she wasn't able to go because she wasnt in the sports team) it seems she could go but didnt tell me> I am so sad for her and cross at the same time if that makes sense. I want her to have a great life and experience lots of things and I know she is missing out. She started her periods when she was 10 and is very mature. I know a lot of the attitude thing is hormones but she has such a priviledged life and is just not embracing any of it. She recently went without the computer for a whole week (punishment for back chatting), I have just banned it again (2 days after it was reinstated) (more back chat) and this time I have also confiscasted her ipod and mobile and I am going to make it longer than a week. Just one thing, I am so scared of taking away too much from her in case it effects her in leads her to self harming, or any other terrible thing. What I mean is, I am scared of pushing her over the brink. Does that make sense. Any help, ideas would be SO appreciated.

jura, take the laptop away definately. I have noticed that when I take away DDs things she is a changed person (for the better) probably because she is trying to win them back . The worst part for me is that I feel so awful punishing her and taking things away, I adore her so much I don't want to do this to her.

Well i really feel for you, if you have no family to back you up. I unfortunately don't have my parents or brothers and sisters, i only have my partners family..long story..anyway i hope things settle down, also she probably needs her friends more than most if you have no family. Take care and try not to let it get to you too much, count to ten..then try again..your not alone many parents with children that age going through same thing..And i say children in a very loose term..i mean young adult..are there any adult responsibilities that you can give her to make her feel more adult. Could you take her shopping perhaps just you and her, even if it's just a new pair of jeans and maybe sit down have coffee and a chat, don't push it if she doesn't want to talk but let her know that you are always ther if she wants to talk!!

Don't feel guitly, there is the saying cruel to be kind. You are grooming her to become a well behaved, decent adult and when she gets older she will thank you for it. We have to do so many things as parents that make us feel bad, but you're doing it out of love for your child..please don't feel bad!!

Thanks BITCAT, I will back off I think but I am not returning her belongings for a while, she will have to earn them. We do go out together and have a wonderful time, she is always telling me what a cool mum I am so I must be doing something right. She gets a lot of 'friendly' advice and nurturing from me too and to honest, she doesn't want for anything. Perhaps that is also half the problem, she has everything and although she does not behave a spoilt manner perhaps she has placed any value on anything. Just wish she was more interested in life.

I think punishing her for being rude is perfectly fine, it's what mums do. And cutting down on electronic entertainment time also seems eminently sensible.

However, it does sound like you'd also really like to punish her for not having fun- your idea of fun, that is. Are you sure that you and she have the same idea of what a fun life is? I remember from my childhood that my mum felt very guilty about my not having the sort of social life and all the opportunities (dances, concerts etc) that she'd had at my age. It didn't occur to her that we were very different people (still are), and I would have hated living her life. I was happy reading my books and waiting for independence- if I had wanted something else it would have been something totally different from what she envisaged. I love her dearly, I did then, but we are not the same person.

Somebody suggested sitting down with a list and writing down mutual plans for next year. How about sitting down and letting her write down how she would really like to spend her time, in an ideal world? Make it clear that she doesn't have to say what she thinks you want to hear.

The other thing is the guilt factor. Are you maybe making her feel that she ought to want to enjoy certain types of activities because you are paying for the type of school where they are on offer? This is a dangerous path to tread- she may think (in the usual teenage emotional exaggerating way!) that you believe your money gives you the right to mould the sort of person you want her to be. And youngsters can get incredible resentful of that! I attended a bog standard comprehensive without lots of wonderful activities, but I did spend a few months at an English boarding school as a teenager and one thing that struck me was the incredible resentment of the some of the girls there thought that Mummy and Daddy expected them to succeed/behave/not give up German "because they are paying".

And finally, a word of comfort: the magical word 'phase'. It is common to be a bit of a social recluse in your early teens- often not the time in life where you feel most confident about yourself- but it doesn't have to last. I was very reclusive as a teenager, but had a great social life at Uni and have never had a problem making friends, or a lack of interesting things to do, later in life. Come to think of it, I am now much more socially confident than my mum ever was. Come to think about it a bit more- maybe that's why she was worried.

Yes cory, i agree there do need to be boundaries and consequences for there actions, how else would they learn but i am glad to hear 247 that you are going to back of a little. Good Luck and i hope it resolves soon for you.

cory, thank you, your paragraph 4 makes a lot of sense, I guess we do expect her to be involved because, a) the school is so expensive and b) because of the opportunity there, having said that though, the wealth of all the activites there are one of the very reasons we all agreed upon as being a great school to go to. Your final sentence also rings true, I guess I have found some answers here. I will try and give her some space.

She sounds like a norma1 teenager to me ( yes I know she is 12.5 but she is nearly a teen).
Can you leave her room and just ask her to tidy it once week don't nag but just give her gentle reminders.
DD2 18 diddn't have muche interests at 12 but she got interested in music and dDrama around 14 and is now well into it. She belongs to a ththeatre group and has played lead in little shop of horrors.
Actually all three of my children didn't really start going out with their friends regilaryuntill they were about 14.
Give her time.
Also bith DD2 and DD3 spend time speaking to their friends on the computer.