Struggling with relationship with my partner.

[NJT1993]

Just wondering if this is common and if so, did you and your partner/father of your baby work everything out?

We have a 5 month old little boy and he is without a doubt the best thing that’s ever happened to me (also the hardest!) but ever since we have had him the relationship between my partner and me has gone completely down hill - he is like a different person.
I feel like I’m alone and I am gutted it’s turned out this way.

These are a few examples of his behaviour - He was completely unsupportive when our baby arrived and I have constantly been told by him that maternity leave is basically a ‘holiday’ and therefore it’s up to me to do all the morning feeds, bathtime, bedtime etc - basically everything. Especially since i’m
now not bringing any money into the home other than SMP.
On weekends it doesn’t get any easier as my partner has a 10 year old son who comes to stay every weekend so when I could have some help he is too busy keeping my SS entertained and taking him out to play football etc.
The week I was due to have our first baby he also decided without discussing with me that it was okay for SS mother to travel abroad for cosmetic surgery and we would have SS as he would already have that week off on paternity leave. I felt really let down that I wasn’t included in this decision and if I’m honest it really didn’t help with my anxiety the first week I became a mum, when let’s face it you’re already a hormonal mess. I felt I had no authority and wasn’t entitled to a say in what was going on in my home, when I feel just for that first week after going through labour etc that he would have just put me first that one time.
I have always been so welcoming and tried my hardest with my SS but I was so angry that my partner would put me in a really awkward position and I’m really struggling to forgive him.
My LO and me moved into my parents home 6 weeks ago and I’ve loved being here, but I guess it’s not really reality.
My partner has begged us to go back and he promises he will do better and actually be a good partner and father to our child but I just worry that he will eventually revert back to his old ways.

has anyone else been in a position where their partner acted like this? And if so, what did you do? Did you rectify your problems or end up separating?
I just want what is best for my little boy and I feel terrible if I make the wrong decision.
I feel like if I don’t go back I’m taking away my little boy’s opportunity to have a family which is difficult when he doesn’t the choice.

Well my relationship has definitely been through some ups and downs but my husband has more than pulled his weight.

In your shoes I would be very wary of going back. The belief system he holds that was behind his comments about maternity leave suggest to me you'll spend your son's entire childhood shouldering all of the parenting and mental load because you are the mother.

In what ways has his attitude changed? What helped him to understand your position better? What has he read/ who has he spoken to to shift his perspective? What I'm saying is tell him to "show you his workings" so you can be clear he isn't paying you lip service to get you home. These are all questions that will tell you if there is any substance to his insistence things will be different if you go back.

I agree with all of the above. Talk is cheap, what's he actually doing to show he's changed? Be very, very wary here.

Why did he first marriage break up?

Yes. When DS was born, his dad morphed into 1950s man. Expected me to do everything baby-related, all feeds, all nights, give up my job, keep house and basically cease to have any decision-making function at all. Even down to what we ate and the colour of the curtains.

It was bizarre. He even tried to take control of my bank account. I still don't understand why he imagined I would accept that for a second. So I got a new job, rented a flat, found a child minder and DS & I left.

Strangely, as soon as I left, I became desirable, even aspirational again.🙄 Like yours, he wanted me back. Some men are incomprehensible. I didn't go back.

In your case, I would be very cautious. If you do go back, set out some absolute basics, the minimum you expect, and if he won't meet you there, or if he is making you unhappy, be prepared to leave for good.

I would be very wary about going back.....it is rare i think that men like this change their tune....

How has he demonstrated his determination to be a better partner and parent?

How much is he looking after your ds? He should be looking after himll too
How much is he actually contributing whilst your living elsewhere , is he supporting you/dc?
Have you been out as a couple (assuming your parents would babysit)
How often have you been out as a family?
Is he very remorseful about how bad a partner/parent he's been?
Is he showing any insight??

Just cos you're only on smp doesn't mean ur not contributing....did you work before? Did u both save for maternity?? What's the plan for the future work/childcare etc...
You need to be able to have adult conversations about all this sort of thing....maternity leave is not a holiday....

Don't worry too much about 'taking away your boy's opportunity for a family'.

I left when DS was two. Ex had so little input, ds didn't notice he wasn't there anymore. It was sad. And in the 12 years since, although ex has seen ds weekly he literally does nothing. I do all the organising, sports/activities, teaching ds to swim, to ride a bike, choosing schools, parents evening etc.

I honestly don't think ex would have been a better father even if we had been in the same house, so I haven't deprived him of anything.

He won't change if you go back. So don't go back until you see some changes first (if you decide to)

Labour and newborn is where you see if you have found the right guy, it's a big test for any relationship. There are men out there who worship their partners when they give birth, do everything they can to make sure they are 100% okay. Your fella did not pass the vibe check and still doesn't. If he couldn't put you first for the birth of his child then it's done I'm afraid. You'll never need him to step up more than that and he couldn't even do it for a week.

Congratulations for walking away. Now stick to your guns and stay away!!

If you go back, he'll quickly revert to his ways and just ask yourself if that is the example you want setting for your little boy to grow up with..... how would you feel if he grew up and treated his partner the same way because that's what he deemed acceptable?

I went through something very similar when my daughter was born. He was completely selfish, I even spoke to my health visitor and she was very straight to the point. She said leave, I see this a lot and it rarely improves. It took me 2 years to properly leave and I am so glad I did because she was right. He got even worse.

Be wary if you choose to go back, find a way to be strict with what you expect from him. It seems as if he doesn’t respect the mother ‘role’ and is expectant of you to rush back to work as soon as possible which isn’t fair. His behavioural change could be because he does have to handle most of the finances on his own now. Which he may not be able to deal with that well, his 10 year old be probably doesn’t see as a full time responsibility as from what I can guess from your post is that he doesn’t stay with you much.

Setting up some real boundaries here for you could really help as long as you follow through, but being with someone who makes you doubt yourself and is essentially making you into a single parent while they’re just hovering around isn’t ok. It is a shared responsibility and he needs to understand that. You don’t deserve to be going through this OP, try to stay strong in your boundaries.