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Parenting

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Original poster

Advice Needed: Caring for my Grandson all the time.

24 replies

OldWomble · 16/08/2022 17:12

Hey All,

Looking for some advice about my situation, my daughter had a child about 4-5 months ago and since about the 3rd week my partner and I have been looking after the baby 24/7 and despite are best efforts we have been unable to get her to look after him.

The few times that we have had to force her to he was left crying when due feeds and generally she did the minimum possible, to the point that he was two hours late for a feed because she waited for us to come home. When she had him overnight she was out with friends with him in a pram till very late at night and completely wrecks any routine that we have established with him. Basically she wants to do what she wants to do and baby is expected to just wait.

At this point its becoming a problem as he is now missing his boosters and she is still showing no signs of wanting to look after her son. However when we try to talk to her about it she just gets angry and denies everything and then disappears again for a week. Some other events have happened of late that have caused us to begin to worry about her whole life style.

Currently we are worried because we obviously have no parental rights yet we are to all intents and purposes raising him, looking for some advice on where to proceed with the whole situation. Do we get social services involved, health visitor etc? if we do is it just going to make the whole situation worse, we worry we won't see our grandchild anymore etc.

Most of all we want want is right for the baby, so any advice from people who may have gone through this etc.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MolliciousIntent · 16/08/2022 17:16

How old is she?

Seeline · 16/08/2022 17:17

Oh gosh that sounds difficult!
How old is your DD?
Has she had any problems in the past?
Is the baby's father/father's family around or involved? Would that be a possibility?

How are you managing to look after a baby - work, money etc? Are you willing to continue?

Twizbe · 16/08/2022 17:17

How old is mum? What interaction has she had with HVs etc? Do you have the contact for her HV.

At first I would speak to her HV about your concerns and see if they can help get her some parenting help. They can also guide you on what you might have to do about any rights

Interested in this thread?

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Families General parenting

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 16/08/2022 17:20

Sounds like she could have PND or similar. Can you speak to a HCP, health visitor maybe? Alternatively, social services

Twillow · 16/08/2022 17:21

Does she live with you?
Are you fit and healthy and would raise the baby if necessary?

Depending on above, I would consider talking to her with 2 options - involve social services or have your grandson fostered with a view to adoption.

Original poster

OldWomble · 16/08/2022 18:15

I am fit and healthy yes, daughter is in early 20s, baby's dad is not on scene, reasons behind why were very vague until recently, sadly he far as we know, daughter tells me as little as she possibly can, she can be extremely controlling and manipulative.

As for looking after the child we are managing and he does not go without, my biggest concerns right now the obvious one of doctor's visits and decision's. My daughter told me she doesn't have a health visitor anymore, i don't have the contact details for them since she has never given us that info.

I am nervous of going to social services since in the past we had a lot of issues with her, she is a wild one to say the least and we are afraid she will disappear completely if we confront her about it, they already have knowledge of her from previous problems.

I will try and find out who her health visitor was.

OP posts:

Original poster

OldWomble · 16/08/2022 18:16

Forgot she does not live with us, she has a flat but she is never their as she is always out with friends and sofa surfs all the time.

OP posts:

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 16/08/2022 18:19

Children have a named health visitor until they are school aged. Ring the local health visiting team and discuss it with them.

Eupraxia · 16/08/2022 18:22

Don't fear social services. Their priority is the baby, as us yours.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 16/08/2022 18:23

I would be applying for emergency residency /guardianship..

CPL593H · 16/08/2022 18:29

As suggested already, talk to the health visiting team and put them in the picture. I'm afraid you also have to talk to social services and do the same. Given her level of engagement it may seem unlikely but you can't risk her upping and leaving with the baby, she is not currently a safe parent.

So difficult for you and I'm sorry.

2bazookas · 16/08/2022 18:32

I think for the child's sake you must inform SW . They may be able to help your daughter, but in any case they need to protect the child against her neglect.

Failing to get him vaccinated is neglect.

It sounds as if you will need to consider guardianship.

FAQs · 16/08/2022 18:37

You might have to look into taking over via the Kinship Carer route www.gov.uk/looking-after-someone-elses-child

Coyoacan · 16/08/2022 18:42

I think for the child's sake you must inform SW

My dd had a violent partner and there was an episode of violence after my dgd was born. If dd had accepted him back again after that, I would have called ss. My dgd needed to be protected.

It must be horrible to have your worries about your daughter, but the most important thing is the baby and, from what I understand, social services prefer to place children with family members.

Original poster

OldWomble · 16/08/2022 18:53

Thankyou all for kind words and advice. It helps a lot when making tough decisions.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 16/08/2022 18:58

As tough a situation as it is at this point you need to do what is right for your grandson first, hopefully your daughter can also get the support she needs to in the process.

contact social services and explain how things have been and get the ball rolling in order to make you and your husband primary carers.

good luck

dampgreg · 16/08/2022 19:07

I can see your reluctance to inform social services, however if your GC went back to her full time it's likely SS would become involved anyway sue to her neglect. I think you need to speak to the HV to find out your next steps.

NoToLandfill · 16/08/2022 19:13

Baby's needs come first. You need official guardianship of the baby. I would speak to social services. They will work to keep the baby with you I'm sure.

Fleur405 · 16/08/2022 19:36

This is obviously a very difficult situation - much as I’m sure it will impact your relationship with your daughter but obviously your granddaughter’s wellbeing is paramount and it’s good that you are caring for her. I think you should contact social services who I expect will assist you in getting guardianship as you are the best people to care for her.

Kite22 · 16/08/2022 23:17

Children have a named health visitor until they are school aged

Not in our area they don't. You only have a named HV if the child is on the Special Needs Pathway or if the family are on a Child Protection or Child in Need Plan/

Ring the local health visiting team and discuss it with them.

I would agree with that.
I would also agree with contacting Social Services. I understand your reticence but ultimately she is not parenting to a "good enough" standard - and that is what they are there for.

Rainallnight · 16/08/2022 23:31

This sounds very stressful and difficult.

I agree with others that you need to involve SS but I’d advise you to be clear in your own mind beforehand about what you want to happen. Would you be ok with him going to foster care or would you be putting yourself forward for kinship care?

They’ll look to family first so good to be clear before you get the ball rolling.

Has your DD ever received any kind of specialist help and support? Your posts sort of hint at a history of difficulties.

Carrotmum · 16/08/2022 23:49

Agree with PP’s you and your partner need to talk and agree about the level of care you would be able to provide for your grandchild if it came to it. Could you care for your grandchild on a permanent basis? There is the kinship care arrangement officially sanctioned by SS but you would need to report your concerns around your daughters parenting in order to kickstart that and your daughter would have possibly limited supervised contact with her child. If you are not willing to do that, or not ready to do that at this stage would your daughter be willing to have her child live with you even for a while and for her to visit so a private kinship arrangement? Either way it can be extremely tough, I have had friends looking after their grandchildren both in official and private kinship arrangements and in both cases it destroyed the relationship with their own child but at least their grandchildren were safe.

saraclara · 17/08/2022 00:12

Given her history, it's clear that nothing is going to change without intervention. You really have no choice but to contact the health visitors and social services.

You might also need to consider whether you are prepared to take the.baby on for the foreseeable future.

SouperNoodle · 17/08/2022 00:18

It sounds like he would be so much safer and happier with you.
I'd definitely go to SS and try to get the ball rolling to have permanent guardianship.

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