Think I need to sleep train but don't want to...

[Bunny2021]

I'm exhausted. Our 1yo has never slept through the night. A few months ago, he slept through until 4/5AM but that's now completely disappeared.

He was up every couple of hours last night. I know it's a combination of the heat, teething and starting nursery but we're struggling.

He usually naps well at nursery and is tired when he gets home. We have our usual bedtime routine. He is fed to sleep, which I know is not helping but I don't know what else to do. If he cries in the night and we just try to comfort him, rather than pick him up, he just gets really upset.

In the last couple of weeks, he has woken at 4/5AM and has had a poo, which then means having to change him but that usually means he then awake after that point. On the very rare ocasion that we can get him back down, he sleeps until 7AM and is a much happier baby - so I know that these wake ups are exhausting him as well. He's actually fallen asleep on the way to nursery a couple of times!

I'm looking into a sleep consultant, but they are pricey. I just don't really know what else to do, other than sleep training but I really struggle with the idea of him being upset, wanting comfort and not being able to give that comfort to him.

I really thought that his sleep would have naturally progressed by this point but we are in such a regression at the moment.

2 things stand out - you say you "think" you need to sleep train but don't want to. So don't do it? Why force yourself into doing something you don't want to do.

You've listed a few things that may be causing sleep issues, teething, heat and nursery which is a big one. You'll just have to roll with it tbh - even if you wanted to do sleep training, I personally wouldn't do it now when baby has just started nursery as that's already a big change.

I didn't do sleep training myself, couldn't deal with the hassle of a crying baby all hours of the night so I just waited for natural progression which seemed to happen quite quickly.

I had a feed to sleep contact napping baby & gradually she began being able to sleep on her own & for longer stretches. The biggest change came when I night weaned & then when I gave up bf all together at about 17/18 months. All of this happened with no crying & I think that's because I waited until she was ready.

Honestly I was expecting it to be so difficult and was really bracing myself for it - but it does get better.

So long story short, if you don't want to sleep train, don't do it! Things will improve.

Overall he will be far (FAR) less upset and need less comforting once he learns how to go to sleep on his own. By not teaching him, you're creating more upset, not less.

I used to bring mine in bed with me at that age to get a couple more hours sleep out of him

You really don't need to sleep train. Babies know how to sleep they don't need to be taught to.
Some just wake up more than others for extra comfort. Obviously teething, heat and nursery will all have a big effect but they're all phases.
Feeding to sleep is also not a bad thing and you're not creating a problem by doing this!
There are some Instagram accounts that offer a lot of info and regular q&a's without needing to pay for help.
Hey sleepy baby
Fox and the moon infant sleep
Second star to the right
Little nest sleep

All of these will have information that can help. My DD is 12 months and has just started doing some longer stretches but every so often has a bad night for a few days where she wakes early or wakes a lot in the night. It's tough but completely normal

If you have Instagram give the fox and the moon a follow. She’s a sleep consultant and is fantastic.
she Often gives free advice away on her stories and isn’t a believer in sleep training just because you think you should. She won’t tell you to stop feeding to sleep either. She’s lovely and very helpful.
she helped me with some issues when dd was 2 and having split nights, she’d wake at 1am for 4 hours it was killing me. Her advice really worked and solved the problem in a few nights

Sleep training doesn't necessarily mean leaving them to cry - there are gentler techniques as well. When our DD was 8-9months, we had a 2 month period where she woke hourly. It was absolutely killing DH and i with sleep deprivation. Our HV came round and recommended the "pick up put down technique".

Basically, when the baby cries, you go in and cuddle / comfort etc as usual. As soon as they stop crying, you lay them back down. Usually, they will then start to cry so you pick up and cuddle / comfort as normal. You do this on repeat until the point that when you lay baby down they don't start to cry. Then you can sit next to the cot, rest hand on baby's back etc until they are in a deep sleep. The first night it took two hours of constant picking up / putting down before DD settled but from that point on, she was 1000x better. She went from 10-11 wake ups a night to maybe 1 or max 2. She was happier as she was getting more sleep and frankly we were better parents because we weren't so exhausted.

Like you, i couldn't leave DD crying so this appealed to me because you still give them comfort when crying.

I feel for you OP. It’s horrific. We survived a year of waking every hour and a half, but only just… My view (and experience) is that babies learn the norms we teach them and if they’ve only ever fed to sleep some babies won’t know what to do when they wake in the night. Like a PP things transformed for us when we separated BF from sleep, at 12 months. How does DS get to sleep at nursery? Assuming he’s not feeding to sleep there that should give you hope. If you choose to address this it is possible to do it lovingly, being present, supporting your child through the change. You don’t have to leave them to cry it out etc.

Although, I’ve just seen that he has previously slept through so maybe for him feeding to sleep isn’t the biggie. How are naps? Time and length?

Hello
we were in the same position we moved LO into her own bedroom about 6 weeks ago she had never slept through the night and was waking every 2hours or less. (11m old)
It took 4 really ball busting weeks of utter exhaustion and trying every sleep training method and sleeping on the floor in her room and eventually on an airbed in her room. I refused to get her back out of her bed.
But about 2 weeks ago we finally turned a corner she was waking 3 times but going straight back to sleep after about 5 mins and for the last week she has been waking once for maybe 2 mins.
It has been glorious. But without a doubt the longest most exhausting journey to get there.

Hi all - I just wanted to come back on here and say thank you so much for your support and kind words.

Things have improved slightly - the last few nights he's had one wake up (where he's had boob/bottle for 15/20 mins then gone back to sleep) and woken properly between 6:30-715 - which I find so much more manageable.

All my friends babies sleep through so it's comforting to know that other people are/have gone through this as well xx

@Bunny2021 did you end up sleep training??? I'm debating doing it and found this thread, I was so shocked at the fact that the majority of replies said don't sleep train then given your question was clearly I don't want to but I feel have to! I'm so on the fence, emotionally I don't want to but it's horrific to live this way and I find all the Mumsnet opinions of 'tough luck suck it up ' quite disheartening! I will be such a better parent if I get some sleep :(

Not the OP but we gradually broke the feed to sleep association by unlatching as the baby drifts off, progressively earlier, and then used the gradual retreat method. It doesn’t have to involve crying and you can always stop if you don’t like it. We got 8h unbroken sleep the first night and 12 h the second.

Comfort is as integral a need as food or changing nappies. Bring him into your bed for a bit? Take it in turns with your partner to get up? Does he have a dummy as that helped mine

@Tor88 we (thanks to a financial contribution from parents) paid a holistic sleep trainer.

She helped us break the feed to sleep cycle and work towards getting him to fall asleep independently. It was a little tricky to start with but amazing how quickly he adapted.

However, we picked the wrong time to do it (i.e. right before Christmas) as we were visiting so many family members and so we just went back to do anything to get him to sleep.

Having said that, it definitely helped and we still use some of the techniques she taught us as part of our routine.

He also still has milk before bed but doesn’t fall asleep on the bottle now.

This is who we used:
https://www.sleeptightbaby.co.uk/

Hope things get better for you!

@Tor88
Unfortunately, you most likely going to get the Don't sleep train comments here on Mumsnet. For some reason, mothers believe everything must be a struggle and if you don't, you will damage the baby.
Sleep training doesn't have to be cruel and you don't have to leave your baby to cry for hours.

What worked for us was to leave the baby alone in the room first for two minutes. We went back and comforted her (without taking her out of the cot). The first night it took 1 hour to go in and out
The next day we left her for 3 minutes (yes, she cried but it's more like a complained cry rather than a painful one) and every night we added an extra 2 minutes. It took us 4 nights total but the last night we only needed to go in once.
The key is to try to keep them lying down- which is hard because they want to stand up; and not to take them out while you comforting them.
You can also use a chair and move it every night a little bit further away from the cot.

Do some research online about the different sleep training. You can decide which one will work better for you depending on your little one personality.