Newborn never sleeps

[AllyFox]

Hi, I really need some advice as I'm struggling.

My 4 week old boy never seems to be able to go to sleep. For example, he will wake for a feed, have a short period of contented wakefulness, and then both me and my partner battle to get him to sleep for up to 4 hours. Sometimes he gets just one hour of sleep (if any), only for me to need to wake him again for another feed (I've been warned never to leave him longer than 5 hours without a feed at this age).

I feel like I've researched this to death, and I know a lot of people will say its over tiredness - that's probably true, but it doesn't mean we're able to get him to go to sleep. We've tried a dummy (which he hates), pushing him in the pram, various noises and sounds, shushing, rocking, over the shoulder, walking around the house with him in different positions but he just cries.
Up until recently the sling was sort of working, but that's out of the window now too. He used to fall asleep on his bottle, but that doesn't work anymore, or when it does he is restless and wakes up almost immediately.

The HV suggested he may have a cows milk protein allergy, so we're trying him on the hypoallergenic milk, but I'm just afraid it won't solve the issue of him being a poor sleeper. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since he was born and I just feel like such a failure. All the advice online doesn't seem to be helping - I would love to be able to soothe him to sleep, even if it meant he would only sleep on me. I'd give anything for that.

Unless there are actual medical reasons for waking him up to feed, not sure I’d be doing that.

let him sleep.

And also, congrats. It will get easier eventually.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I've been there and it's absolutely awful and soul destroying. My only advice is to try to give things a chance to work - that's not because the advice worked for me, but because I was frantic trying new gadgets and techniques and even nearly medication. When I think back on that time I just want to give myself a hug and tell me to calm down.

So, on the feeding front it sounds mad waking baby for a feed. Now I BF so I don't know how it works if you're FF, but that does seem extreme, especially if baby is gaining weight.

Do you co-sleep? I fought against it with my first but it was a saviour for my second.

Have you identified anything that does calm him down? Like with my first once she was up in our arms while we were standing she was happy, so DH and I both got our own slings and would walk her to sleep for her naps. We'd have to wait for her to be conked before we could even sit down with her in the sling and jump back up if she woke - absolute madness but you do what you have to!

No medical reason at all to wake him. It was just drilled into me by the midwives when he was born. We had to stay in hospital for 8 days as he had a chest infection (traumatic birth) and they would be cross if we left them any longer than 4 hours, which eventually became 5.

I even called the hotline for advice earlier about waking him when he sleeps so little, but they said not to leave him longer than an extra hour!

I think this is mainly for the 1st two weeks when babies tend to be sleepier and won't wake naturally to feed. I was busy taking rigid notes of feeding times at that age and my mum thought i was crazy.

Is baby gaining weight? Does he wake up naturally for milk? If so, you can probably relax a bit overnight and let him sleep

The worst thing I did with my first child is listen to the HV and midwives advice re. feeding frequency. The poor boy only had 3 hours sleep after a feed before I was waking him for another feed that he didn't really want. With my second I had a rule never to wake a sleeping baby and it worked much better. Obviously if it was heading on for 8 hours I'd have woken her, but definitely not at 5 hours. I think if you're having sleep issues and you have a baby that is otherwise healthy and maintaining their centile, then let them wake when they'd like.

I was told waking to feed was only until they had regained birth weight - and I had a small baby. Midwife said once he got to that it was all good.

I've been where you are. My 9 week old barely slept from 4 weeks to 6 weeks. I honestly was so concerned he would get sick he was sleeping so little.

What worked for me in the end was to act like I wasn't trying to get him to sleep. I would hold him, walk around, do something boring like put his bottles in to wash/sterilise - anything boring I could do with one hand

Fingers crossed for you and this will pass. I know exactly how you feel

And hun you are no failure. Its fucking hard. There are no two babies the same and no book which will magically tell us what to do.

You're doing a great job x

I wouldn't wake to feed either once if he's past his birth weight.

What sleep clues are you looking out for? I found that the length of wake windows varied during the day. Have you tried just popping him in his crib/basket and leaving him to his own devices. My DS didn't like a fuss at all at that age but would nod off if left alone.

I would let him sleep too (within reason). If he’s hungry he’ll tell you. Sleep begets sleep too. The more he does sleep the easier he’ll find it to go back down.

I was always told I could leave baby to sleep once they hit birth weight and their jaundice cleared - my youngest is 7.5 months so pretty recent advice. I wouldn’t be waking them to feed after battling them for hours on end to get them down in the first place, a healthy infant who is gaining weight will wake themselves when they’re hungry. You might find if you let him sleep and wake off his own accord he’ll be easier to get down for his next sleep as he won’t be overtired.

Best of luck x

Agree I wouldn't wake to feed now.
I think once you stop waking to feed, esp after a fight of hours to get him down to then wake after an hour you'll find he'll start sleeping. He's basically get distributed and it's having a knock on affect.

Have you tried different dummies? I had to go through about 5 brands to find one he liked.
How many oz is having? If bottle fed.

How much are you feeding him per bottle and is he finishing them? If you tried to feed him in the 4h period post bottle and falling asleep, would he take more?

Have you tried a swaddle? The Velcro burrito style ones are sold on Amazon & some babies really like them.

If you have a car, it’s worth trying a drive as well to see if he drops off.

If he’s regained his birth weight, you don’t need to wake him for feeds as long as he’s doing 6 wet/2 dirty nappies in each 24 hour period.

I would also leave him longer. At 4 weeks he is likely to wake up when he is hungry. Let him sleep, feed when he wakes then after a burp and nappy change straight away start to get him back to sleep.

The first few weeks are so intense. Congratulations, it is honestly worth it.

Midwives being strict about making sure a 4 day old doesn't go too long between feeds is very different to what a 4 wwwk needs. Once he is asleep let him sleep.

Also consider backing off a little when he's not sleeping. The process of him falling asleep isn't something that you can trigger, and isn't your job to ensure happens ito a schedule, but you can certainly delay it by being stressed out by the fact that it's not happening. Remember that some cries are just the sound of your baby communicating that he is very tired and wants the tired to go away, but you picking him up and cuddling him may be the last thing he needs. I'm not advocating CIO but just pause and check whether a cuddle is definitely what is needed

Both of my boys have slept far more soundly on their own and on their tummy. Neither one would be cuddled to sleep and would just fight me. Both needed their cot and a dark room. As tinies we didn't like to leave them on their tummy so one of us would be with them but it did mean they were getting some much needed sleep - and us some respite from the crying!!!

Also agree with other people that waking to feed isn't necessary now and if he's asleep, let him sleep.

Keep going - things change quickly and you're doing great.x

If he’s uncomfortable/ crying a lot especially after a feed and it’s getting worse over time it could be reflux. Medication can really help with this so may be worth seeing the gp.

Please don't put your baby on his tummy as pp suggested - massive SIDS risk.